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but I know its something you can't steal So I'll buy another problem to approach sell a virgin lie that can't be touched So I fall again So I fall again So I break through this rotten piece of wood again I can't say if this here f*cking subject should be dropped but I know its something you can't stop So I'll buy another pickup line and sigh and pretend that everything is alright So I fall again So I fall again So I break through this rotten piece of wood again" Kay, so now Godspell's over.. What am I to complain about now? Sure, I could find another play... But ugh, I really hated this one. I'll find options laterr. So I've decided to give up on being annoyed with you. Because Phantom Planet wrote some song 10 years ago that speak exactly how I feel about the issue. I'm not entirely sure that my feelings are real...but you can't have them. I won't let you.
This is post #70....i didn't even realize yesterday was 69! haha, no. I have more of a life then to start another... Oh my oh my...where to start today? Brad Doggett finished his new Ep...I'm so in love with him (: I found a new section of my life that's falling apart (horray...) I got one of my best friends back (: I had my Godspell show People acctually came to the show... I came close to learning how to play the drums...but of course, that'll never happen (why does something always seem to come up?) I call people squares too much too often I was listening to Phantom Planet whe i wrote that... I'm going to stop talking about random bands you may have never heard of... So about that best friend. I don't know what happened, but he just kinda, idk, dropped off the face of the earth there for a minute, and i didn't think it'd make me so screwed up. I didn't realize the impact some people have on me. I really didn't realize the impact I have on other people. And I know you've told me time and time again that I do, I just never could believe anyone. I never figured that I, idk, meant something to you. It means a lot, I'm not going to lie. Again, I can't lie. I'm just good at saying the right things. I really am kinda irritated I couldn't play drums today... I mean, Godspell doesn't mean THAT much...ahhh! It's almost done! I haven't played guitar either today, WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TOO ?! ugh. Well, we'll see what happens next week. Eww. Next week=more snow=school issues...YUCK. Just an fyi dear. I use that time to escape for a bit and you are truely annoying....i wish I could say I was lying... Could you fix me? Not really "fix"...that's probably not the right word... uhm, fill the void maybe? Cause, who knows how, but that hole in my chest goes away when you're there. It's nice...better than being in pain (like duhh) "I am feeling weak again, so please rest with me"
Yes, this has been a fuck my life kind of day, no doubt about it. No, I'm sorry, more like a "fuck you" kind of day. Is there really a reason you're so against me doing anything? Why do you have to be so involved in my life? You're screwed up worse than I am, so why are you telling me what to do. Since I'm not allowed to hate you, I VERY STRONGLY dislike you. Left my phone in Veronica's car which means I can't call anyone about homework help. Horray for failing at life! Parents said my write sucks. Thank you, thank you very much. Kenzie thinks I'm weird. Okay, that's normal (: I'll take it. Damn, I need a freakin' hug...maybe after I crawl into my hole for a little bit. I think I figured out the inevidable truth about that hole in my chest I was talking about it seem ages ago... I think they're bottled up emotions. Sure, I have a lot of pretty good friends, but I never acctually tell them what's going on. I don't want them to have to deal with me. I don't people to see the hazard zone my heart's turned into. I can't, I simply can't open up to people. You might think you know me, and maybe I'm easy to read, idk, but I sure haven't told you much. You can't possibly understand how much I want to just spend a night with someone crying over everything: past, present, and my pathetic certain future. You don't have too though. I won't make you. I'm too scared. Last night before I went to bed I played a little guitar, just singing random stuff, I don't even remember the words coming out of my mouth, but I had done it for a couple hours. I never thought I could be absorbed in anything like that besides sleep. Oh my, sleep. I should get more of that.
Why? Pshh, why would I tell you ?! Cause I love you? Good point. Truth be told, I'm not sure why I'm so happy! Maybe the fact that I finished my english paper! Or...no I think that's it... techno music might have something to do with it though (:
Two pages down, two to go. But how I will fill those two pages I have nooooo idea. Don't you just love distractions that cause you to get nothing done? Oh really? Cause I don't... Can't get my godspell costume because of my english paper. Can't do my english paper because of people Can't deal with people because of snow. But I can deal with the snow...you'd think everything else would all into place. But it won't (: yay! "I heard you driving in my car Then in a frozen bar. I claimed i didn't care or you but your verse first got trapped inside my head over and over again you played yourself to death in me." -by Failure, covered by Paramore if you prefer that. Ore Ska Band is probably my latest obsession... why haven't I posted any of their lyrics? Easy! I don't understand what their saying.. But damn they're good. And cute! I love Asians! Ska music...very good, I like it (: I like it a lot. deep stuff today? negatory (:
So I was told to blog about that one huge thing that I want to do before high school is over... but my "big thing" isn't exactly that huge. Should it have been done before now? Yeah, probably. Do people judge me for not having done it? Well, most don't know about it. And most won't ever know about it. How do I feel about that? I'm perfectly fine with it. Ahh, science class. I love it. I hate it. Why the love? Well that's easy. I just like science, and the people are pretty cool for the most part. Why hate if I love it so much? Well, my seat is...less than desirable. And then there are those few people whom I dislike in the class... That's about it, haha. Hmm...I need some aspirations. I mean, I know that my initial "dream" dream will never happen...but I really think I'm going to be bored anywhere else. I'm afraid I'm going to be bored with my future. That I can't do anything. That's I'm not good enough to do anything I'd ever truly enjoy. Maybe I need to meet inspired people. Kid, I don't understand how you deal with me. Legitamatly, I would probably hate having me around all the time. I don't understand what you see in me that's so interresting. Because I honestly don't think I'm that interresting. Why? That's really my only question.
Make me think I have a C when I have a B Make my parents think I fail at life. Thanks a lot. My mother is so queer. She wants me to be getting all As again even though I don't think I'm truely capible. ugh, she gets on my nerves a lot lately. "J" (4:30:00 PM): sidhf "J" (4:30:03 PM): how do you know? "S" (4:30:21 PM): know what? "J" (4:30:39 PM): everything I swear, that kid and I have the same brain. Which is cool, cause I acctually like talking to him. Like, there have been people in the past I'd talk to about stuff, for example, music, that's not hard to start a conversation about. But the people I only talk about music with bore me sometimes. Just because...well, that's all they talk about. This one? We'll probably talk a little bit more. So, my gym class is amazing. In probably more ways then you could understand. Why? Well: 1)-Uhm, no civics. 2)-...no civics 3)-No work 4)-Ah-mazing people (: Be jealous...very jealous. mm, I need to find my chorus folder... I bet I won't... great.
And you have a sweet sinful smile I'm in trouble cause you turn me upside down And around and around" I went to church for the first time in a couple weeks. Winter's my favorite, but it causes you to get locked in the house on more than a regular basis. I really miss the amazing highs I used to get from it. I don't really understand what happened after the fall, after the summer. That summer. That summer sucked and yet was the most amazing thing. Last night. Saw some new things, before and after the semi. (The cheesey English speech is probably a lot truer than I let myself think.) That girl is a lot stronger than she lets herself think. There are a lot of people that love her a lot more than she thinks. Not a fake love either. A love that's stabbed everytime something happens to her. It's complicated, but so it she. That girl...she's pretty great.
And I finally found the strenght you tried telling me about." -Sundays So there's been this sinking feeling in my chest. Almost short of breath. How long? mm about a week. But it was pretty bad at semi. In the moment, I'm fine but it's when I sit down and acctually think a little that it happens. And when I think, it only happens when it hink about certain people. Just the people I care about. Like, a painful longing. And damn it hurts sometimes. I don't like it. Make it stop. Semi in general was really fun though. I certainly know a lot more people than I originally assumed. It's long and complicated...I'll continue tomorrow. P.S.-I don't think you fully understand how much I love you. You know I can't lie about stuff like this.
Heck to the yes. Haha, I haven't listened to these guys since back in the day when I'd listen to the radio instead of my ipod... What ever happened to the radio in my life? It's kinda like the mix tapes I'll never get =P I'm so old school, because i still listen to past made mix tapes and vinyls. Ahh, I love it! "I still don't have a reason, and you don't have the time, and it really makes me wonder if ever gave a fxck about you" Sigh...There's still hope I'm sure. This is better than my 3oh!3 phase...that was horrible. "What are you listening to?" "Oh, provocative things." Pathetic, glad it's overr. So I find it really funny that the one day I have a good day, home life's all screwed up. Yeah, It's pretty cool... freakin' hate ittt. Like, my chorus midterm went amazing, although that wasn't expected. "Oh that was perfect" ...Go play your trumpet goat man, I'll take the A, but sometimes he just has NO idea what he's talking about. Well, my family's not talking to eachother, so i guess i'll be plaing guitar/piano all night.
Stressful and happy and entertaining and boring.. I guess I'll write more later, I'm not fully inspired right now.
Seeing as I thought the math midterm was fun... What in the heck is wrong with me? Idk. I still have a couple friends, I'll survive. Side glances are cute coming from you. They legitimately are. Sure, everyone hates you, but maybe that's why I like you. Everyone thinks you do certain things, but they were never proven. Dear, I don't care what you did, you still give amazing hugs and make fun of my shortness. Which, in reality, pretty much makes you my friend. Talking to you the other day was nice. You're the only person who gets it. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever, though it's been, what, a week at the most? haha, that will change soon. I've been writing songs pretty quickly now. You wouldn't believe how it helps my stress level. Music really is great; flowing combinations of chords and melody with lyrics to be interpreted however one pleases. Maybe that's why I like it. You can sing a song you wrote to the person you wrote it about, and they probably wouldn't even realize it was about them. Have I done that? No. Will I? In the near future, the answer is a probable yes.
horray for not failing miserably at life! Civics? That's different. Good thing half the questions were answered on posters! Oh, how happy I am that that's OVER. So, since I was mad stressed last night, I wrote a song. It's short, sweet, partially depressing but heck, it's me. I'll post the lyrics on my private blog (: Sigh, practice at 3... till 6.. i need to bring food this time! Still in desparet need of concert-o! gasp, i hate this. yeah....i'm done for now.
Cool. Some change. Do I sound raciest for not being this excited? Probably. Oh well. On a more on "in my life" note: So, I'm kind of obbsessed with Jack's Mannequin. Don't ask me why, I just hit shuffle on my ipod and that's what came up. But there's oe song inparticular that hit me. And it hit me hard. "Meet me at my window At my window I could use a hero right now You could use someone to save Someone like me Someone who's not brave Someone who's not free Meet me at my window With the darkness, cometing down I could use your, saving now Meet me at my window Meet me at my window I will wait for you there I will talk to you, no When there's no one, around Come on, you could change me You could steal me You could turn all the lights on And show me the real me Then maybe, if I'm lucky You'll offer me protection You could even heal me Just meet me at my window With the darkness, cometing down I could use your, saving now Meet me at my window Meet me at my window I will wait for you there I will talk to you, no When there's no one, around" So that kinda got me thinking. Am I the one that needs saving, or the one that saves? I mean, legitametly, i could use a hero right about now. More specifically, someone to tell me who i am. I don't have to believe them, I'd just like to hear. But doesn't everyone need that? So wouldn't that mean that we all need to save each other in order to save ourselves? Who really knows? Feedback would be cool for this one. -Oliviagunther@rocketmail.com thanks
a lot. 3 hours locked in a room? eww. I hate it. So I come home and now get to chew out someone for something they don't know that they're doing.... Way to make things worse deary. Just stop talking for a bit, if you would, because I'd prefer to forget about him, not get involved again. I don't want to get involved. I didn't want to call. I didn't want to have to hear that. I didn't want to enjoy it. Why the heck did I enjoy it? a question for another day fur sure...because I'm lost Lost, as usual. Unaware of what to do... Who to trust... anything. I'm sure of one thing right now... midterms are gonna suck
yay! how do you blog? STOP! STOP WRITING THIS!" -case... Yes, you guessed it, case was trying to bloggg! "Poopy goes the weasel" -Jill Yup, and jill! "Electron dot diagram." -Erinnn Yay! erin's blogging too! I love our study parties (: Case thinks Meg is lovely. Meg, tell Tim we said hi! yup yup....still haven't found a song for that thingy... and will i, probably not! yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay! Case's ass crack keeps showing because jill's pants are too big. yay! Jill is attempting to study, that's cool. I'm not!! Now we're naming bonds! yay bonds! Megan doesn't want to be involved in my blog. yay! to be continued.... <--- random dots
And one in three. When can I be one of one? Cause I really want to be, haha Why I am one in ten, i understand. One in three I can't fully comprehend... Dear, I've known you for, what, two months solid maybe? Not that I mind, I just think you might want to, idk, wait a bit. Judge me later kinda thing? But I guess people accept me cause I accept them. People are really great, I mean, seriously us humans are the shiznit. (Oh wow, I just blogged using the word "shiznit"... I'm doing this way too much....OH WELL) Anyways, a lot of my friends hate a lot of people...but i like em. "Ugh, he's so weird." And you say that because someone else told you. "Sketch." Yes, he's a sketch, but he's not rude about it. "Whore." Because you watch her sex life...you think she's weird? "Square." Ok, i use that one a lot, but I love it, so I won't stop...I don't mind. I like when people label me... It's entertaining.
My mom thinks I'm totally unappealing. That totally helps my self-esteem, as if it's not already mighty low. She always assumes the worst and doesn't want me doing anything because she's afraid i'll do something stupid. I know people who get drunk all the time, and i don't want to be like them. So maybe I have common sence? Wouldn't matter, they'll never believe me. mm I had a funky dream about my wedding this afternoon. In the middle of nowhere in a clearing in the words. huh. weird. But i wasn't wearing white (thank the lord). I really don't like traditional weddings. The food's always nasty, you get stuck sitting with people you hate half the time and the music is rarely to my liking. That my friends, is why no one is coming to my wedding. Because it will be so screwed up, you'll think i'm kidding. hmm. I figured out what I want this year. You know that one "I've never done this before" thing. I found it. I'll let you know what it is as soon as it happens. No worries.
You're pretty cool, not gonna lie. And...yeah, there's not much else to say. kinda tired. no church. kinda bored. don't wanna study. I like phone calls (:
You're scaring me. It's not like I don't already want this a lot, but seriously, I'll do something stupid. I'll do something wrong. You'll see another side of me. I don't want anyone to see that. Leave me be. Let me go. My day? Funny you should ask. It pretty much sucked till I went out. I had a confirmed friend removal from my life and some nice little vocab words and convincing someone they're worth a damn. But, again, going out makes me feel better, because i normally enjoy the people i'm with. I mean, who doesn't love hanging out with their pimp and 5 year old on the inside friends? I know I do, haha. Found out i was freakishly small for my age...again. And freakishly cold...yet again. It was great. "Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep." -AFI
And GOD knows I do too, but what can i do?" -AAR...like yeahh So I need a song. And I don't think I can find one. Joy, this is great. So movies tonight. Yeah, it was great (: I just really love making people happy. And I'll leave it at that. So what am I supposed to think of that? Should I just shurg it off like I always do, or reel it in? oh, how i wish i knew
Kick like crazy. I've been trying way too long. Only pushed a way off to fight you. And I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm not sure<|3 <>" -Saosin(avec Anthony green) Babe. I think you just went too far. Like, legitimately, you shouldn't care. I don't want you to care, truth be told. I don't want to get that involved. And you dear. Don't even start talking to me about that. Not going to happen. Ever. You may be more experieced, but you don't know the whole story. I like being over all happy. It's nice (: You should try it.
I can be destructive too. I'll do anything you'd make me do." "You've left my in such a silent world the evening is calm, but i'm restless And my breath as become, as thin as the wind not even the mighty sky can fill the space you've left behind not even when it rains no nothing takes you place Your emptiness too great to fill" -Daphne Loves Derby So there's this guy Jason Call... and I guess he graduated college at age 18, sings, and plays bass. I think that's pretty amazing, haha.
I like it when that happens. Need to finish my speech i don't want to give. I don't even know where to stand on the topic without looking like a complete hypocrite. Oh well. Civics is stupid. Way to wake up 3 weeks before semester's end and realize we haven't done jack (: I can't wait to skip half of lunch again with my friend (: We have muchh to go overr. But I will miss my lunch table. Those guys are just awesome. ugh, bored. bored. bored. bored. i miss you! bored. bored. bored. and bored.!
It's for the greater good Cause I'd rather be great than good." -You, Me, and Everyone We Know So, past two days i wrote a song. Yeah, it only took two days this time. Now why it didn't take my usual monthish, i have no idea. I think I just felt it this time. Joy. Just more stuff I don't want to admit to myself.
The images in my mind have been racing the same, pathetically, uncontrollable way and speed. Which sucks, because 1)-I don't want it to be my problem and 2)-I do want it to be my problem. Funny stuff hm? Yeah. And with those cute little contradicting actions, you figure I'd just be confused. But I'm not. I'm actually the happiest person alive right now. Floating on a cloud, as it were. Silly brain. Silly people. Silly me. I was informed about something today that I've heard only twice so far. And yet again, it made me want to cry. Why does that always happen? It shouldn't be that much of a surprise, but it is. There's this thing called lack of self-confidence that might have something to do with it... but for once, I don't think that's it. For once, I think it was pure fear. Not wanting to accept what I should know as true. Not accepting the fact that my dream isn't unreachable. But what am I supposed to do? I'm so lost, and any support structure I have for such things isn't too strong. Sigh, I feel an epic fail coming on. Labels: life and love and confusion
So here I am wasting time blogging!! Whoot. Just a little warning, i'll probably make a lot of reallyyyy random moblie blogs... School's that boring. But it entertains you right? You ARE reading this after all... :D Oh, and yeah, I get to face all my problems today. I CAN'T WAIT =P.
Two tests. Only one I was aware of. Which is pretty much why I HATE assemblys. Sure, missing english is the best, but then forget about getting caught up in anyway. Epic Fail XP. As if just civics isn't bad enough. I just don't wasnt to fail...because it feels like I am. might record my song today... but i doubt i'll have anytime what so ever.
i love wasting time It's just so much fun! You can go to bed at 1, wake up at 12, listen to music and eat all day. Talk about my kind of day. Sure, because I pretty much have no life I'm isolated from the world, but school will start soon enough. And Oh how I adore social school problems!
I'M MAD HUNRAYY! ...I'll order a pizza Fine, partially serious stuff now. So, with the whole new years hangover thing, I got myself a thinking. I've been around about fifteen short years, and I haven't done jack. And anyone who knows me...umm, better maybe, would know what i mean. And I need help with that. You should go do stupid things with me this year (: |
