welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
It was so weird. Sure, I woke up with the same back pain I've had since I've been sick, but I slept! 12 hours no less. One day left of vacation, and now I sleep. I can't even sleep in tomorrow =S. Sigh, I'll make it a point to take naps tomorrow. I love naps. I'm gonna miss them next week. Next week, ugh. Next week is going to be interesting. I know I get the pleasure of writing a three page paper for English...but I'm worried about what other lovely surprises might come. Progress reports? I really hope not. Those just ruin my days. possible Cs? Well, I'm hoping my couple quizes in geometry are okay, but that's probably all...right? Science should be fine. English should be great after the Odysesy stuff. Civics is over (: I'll be fine. Just breathe. I'm way too stressed. But what am I stressing about? I can't really think of anything to stress over. This vacation was supposed to be restful, and it was to a point i guess, aside from the being sick thing...if i was like that at school, eek, it would have been bad. Why am I stressed? Why why why why why? My headaches are stressful...that could be part of it. People are stressful...that may be closer to the answer. Sami lately...there's no question that that's part of it. School...12 page paper eventually on something I've never even heard of? Majorrrr stress maker. But I have piano. And I have guitar. I'm a lot better at guitar than I thought I was. yay intermediate stuff! Pain meds still haven't kicked in yet... All I want to do right now is sleep but I can't. I WANT TO SLEEP Please? Just a regular sleeping pattern at least would be nice. Can I wake up "refreshed" for once? I'm still convinced that's not achievable, but there's always a chance I suppose. I've been going back to my summer pattern of praying. Haha, I sound so stupid when I do, but I love it. Laying on my bed staring at the ceiling just talking to him out loud. And I know he cares. I've read books that say that he does, even went to a camp that threw that at me. I knew it long before, it just takes a little while for me to come back around. "There you stood holding me, waiting for me to notice you." No worries, I'm coming. I don't think you understand how much those stupid things make my day. I came across the first one in my bag and seriously laughed out loud. Maybe it's because it's like a more personal text message on paper. Or maybe because it's so random that it makes me laugh. ...I'm betting on the second one. I miss you. And I'm half the problem of course, but that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to miss you, right? I'm fixing that. I really want to. There's no way that you can be replaced and I would never dream of that ever happening. Well, that's a lie, I've had dreams of that...it was horrid. I'd never dream of it intentionally...yeah that's better. "Love and Mercy. Blood and Bravery." mm, Daphne Loves Derby is loved very much by Olivia... I need an 11:11 wish, seeing as I'm going to be awake for it. The topic of interest for my wish? I'm not sure. I'm almost positive though that I'll think of one at exactly 11:11. That's what always happens. I love how I've been taking it so seriously, haha. It's more like a text message of a prayer I guess. The "Hey, can you give me something to make it through the day?" prayer. Yeah, that's it. Wow...that was long enough. Making my wish, than going to bed.
Good to the day? Well, I got my iPod (: ...that's really about it, but it was a huge day maker I must say. I still think I need to get out of the house... Out of the house like AWAY FROM MY FAMILY. I'm kinda sick of my family as you can tell from above. We're all about to snap...oh wait, we already have. Ugh, someone save me, please? hmm, maybe I'll just "go for a really long walk" tomorrow. Those are nice. Go around town, come back a couple hours later. Anything, I just want to get away.
It's wayyy too early for me. I'll be taking a nap tonight before THE CONCERT TONIGHT :D! mm, finally! I do enjoy concerts! And showers...I like showers. So yesterday I felt inclined to look up stuff by Goo Goo Dolls for guitar. Last time I looked them up...it was bad, hahaha. But now, I can actually do it. Which makes me think of how much I've actually practiced in a few months. Hmm, I like it. There's some kind of freaky awesome peace I get doing this stuff. Peace. Peace is so great.
I love CASE'S cupcakes actually. I love her (:
WHOOT WHOOT! she's a prodigy at playing the E, D, and A chords. Cheyeahhh. "there is no lava on the E chord!! YEAHHHH" that'll be on your ipod someday. It will be, you just wait and see! ... mmkay, done for the moment
It feels like I've been sleeping since New Years day, Dreaming my life away. Please try to understand if you think I've changed. And all my friends they say I waste too much time staring out of windows in airplanes. No no I won't take the aisle seat. Just take me away with blood and bravery. I am the ever green that breaks the storm. Sing hallelujah, I sold my soul to the darkening." I've been trying to calm down and breathe a minute. Honest. Acoustic Helps; music and guitar. Brad's stuff mostly of course. Such a calming voice he has. "so if I told you that I I wouldn't mind if you took over my time and we could watch the movies that you'd like to see and take you where you wanna be just to keep you close to me all night long so dont try to change my mind I already know..." -April I dont really know what to think anymore. Maybe I hould just stop thinking all together
Better now than last week of course. Better now than never. I'm not really sure what I'm not getting. I'm pretty sure it's trust, but I don't trust because I think anyone cares. (yet another stereotypical emo kid trait, i need to break this) But I don't let people care half the time. And if I don't even allow them to care, what's the point? That might be it. That, or I'm over thinking it again. I'm so proud of myself though. I don't understand how I've stayed out of trouble with this. No matter how bad it got I resorted to stabbing a notebook with my pen and breaking the pen rather than myself. Why did I not? Did I want too? Sure did. But I never did. And to think, no matter how tired my heart may be now, it's never been touched. I like that too. It won't stay that way forever (At least I certainly hope it won't), but I'd like to take in this innocent bliss of an untouched heart while I can. On another note: How has your ego been lately dear? You seemed hurt when I accused you for being a bit shallow, and I appologize for hurting you, but that doesn't mean I change my opinion. You use people, heck you use me, but I still deal with you from time to time. Like now, I really think when you pry like that you just don't want to hurt your ego. Poor little ego. And to you: Thanks so much. You have no idea how hard it is for me to even tell people about that. I'm greatful on so many levels.
And yes, they make me look like more of a cartoon character than I already do, but they make me look thoughtful. And so I thought again of course. About what? Well, I thought about my fears. The lyrics of "Thorn in My Pride" came to mind (This song is probably the most gorgeous six minutes of music I've ever heard): "Are you wanting inspiration You spill your secrets on me Then you tell me with a whisper Of things that will never be. Do you hear me breathing? Does it make you want to scream? Did you ever like a bad dream? Sometimes life is obscene" By the Black Crowes, it's full of angst and heartache of course. Not as light as Hard to Handle or She Talks to Angles... It really must be that album.. Oh yeah, ANYWAYS. So, my main fear is fear of being alone. And I know, I know, I shouldn't have this fear, but I do. People seem to trust me with things, and the things they trust me with I try hard to protect. People seem to like me, I don't know why, some people just do. But I can't take that. "Can you hear me breathing? Does it make you wanna scream?" I don't trust people. So I throw myself in that bad dream... Sometimes life is obscene.
7 is wayyyy too early for me. My head was spinning in a who knows what kind of mood, and it hurt like hell. My eyes felt like sand paper again. And of course, my muscles ached, and as we all know, Olivia is so unathletic that stuff like that does not happen...like ever. I MUST be sick. I've gotten 9 hours of sleep the past two nights and I've woken up wanting to kill myself. (Now, To clear the air I don't really want to kill myself, I mean it figuratively of course) Sigh. I just hope I'm well enough to convince my parents to bring me to the ATTWN concert. No, at this point I could probably screw that. I want to be well enough to have an entertaining vacation. Yeah. That's probably more reasonable. I've been attempting to organize my overgrown and untamed itunes library... It's pretty hilarious to watch. The only thing harder at this point would my fixed mother's computer...and her "F" key is broken... poor comupter...abused by Sami... "She lost her grip I think she fell off the earth"
How do you miss someone you see everyday? Because I do. And I don't like it. Because the answer is pretty much one of two things: 1)-Distance myself completly away from them or 2)-Become closer to them. And frankly, I don't think I can do either of those right now. And that's just great! I don't want this weekend of vacation to suck because it. And I'm afraid it will. I truly am.
Would have been nice to find that out an hour ago? Why? Well, Olivia Gunther likes sleep. And Olivia would have loved to sleep just a little bit longer today. Why did I want too? 1)-I'm lazyyy. 2)-I'm sick, and that would be the closest thing I'd have to staying home. Vacation's coming...just have to stay in that mindset. But what on earth will I do on vacation? Hmm, probably nothing! Horrayyy for nothing... Sleep though...sleep is nice.
How I feel this way, and you will never know about because I don't have the heart to tell anyone that. Heck, I don't have the heart to tell people when I feel they've impacted my life half the time. But I strongly dislike you. And there is no way you should have to be burdened with that knowledge. I'm still of the impression that ignorance is bliss. If I just sit. Sit and forget that tomorrow really matters. Forget that the future is made by the dissisions I make now. Forget that anything exists but this. Forget that anything exists besides a calmed pulse and throbbing fingers. Forget that my passions are impossible dreams embedded into a not so sure future. Let go. Give up. Yeah, that'd be nice. And you. You make me smile a lot more than you probably realize. You're the person my mentor told me about. But I don't think you're the one I can explode on. There's way too much for randomness now. I couldn't handle it. But this day I will admit was pretty amazing. (:
One hundred posts...what does that say about the time I have on my hands? A little less than five months, and this has served it's overall purpose. What was the purpose? lemme recap: The equivalent of that one person I can tell everything too. Yup, simple as that. You might say, well most people have friends or family to tell that stuff too, but honestly, I don't. My life is in bits and pieces on the ground, and I'm the one that scarttered them. I'm the one that you don't know much about, simply because I don't tell one person everything. Sure, you could listen to my songs and get a pretty good idea of how I feel, but I don't think it's enough. The one thing I want out of this highschool year is similar to this. At least, I certainly hope it is.
"It's so fuckin'...oops, oh wait, I can use that around you." "Jeez, you remind me so much of myself at your age, it scares me." "I guess the only thing you can do is go chase your dreams. Because honestly, you've got too much passion right now and that's only going to eat you up inside when you grow up. No one can live you dreams but you." "I really truly have missed you." "Perhaps it's the modesty in you that can tone down some of that arrogance." I don't understand. Yet again, you make me want to cry. I don't understand why we're so similar. Like seriously what the heck?
I hope mine did too." So rachel ford is my hero today (: She got in trouble! yay! Why did this perfect child get in trouble though? Well, she invited a boy over! GASP, how dare she! Hahaha, ohhh I love her (: So I'm going to visit with you tomorrow. I read what you wrote to me it seems forever ago. And I cried. I cry everytime I read that. It's kinda pathetic. But you impacted my life so much... you have no idea.
I'm not going to search for some profound meaning in that... I think I've got it. And I totally agree. I really like the quiet day before the dreaded usual weekend hangover I get the following monday, and the fact that I'm delaying that makes me very happy. And then? Vacation! An entire beautiful week of vacation. How amazingly happy making. Sure, 80% of the time I'll be playing guitar and piano because everyone else will leave probably. But maybe, just maybe, It'll be warm enough to take someone on one of my old walks where I just think. I believe I need to do it with other people in order to take in the full beauty of it. They really are quite gorgeous as is though... Thinking about some stuff that happened recently, I kind of hated that. Knowing that he was there I think caused me to have a little less fun... Sure, we used to be friends, but I don't want to really talk to him now. And I know next year he'll find was too. And I don't want him too. Like, at all. That's one main reason why I want to get closer to the friends I have now. Give him and others a hunt maybe? I don't know, I find the whole thing kinda pathetic. "Idk, it's as if you're so much happier talking to them on the phone, happier when you come home, you have a reason to wake up now." -R.D.G. I love how I've gotten a couple people to use "dearest" in casual conversation. It amuses me (:
Gawd kid, I love you to death but I'll nver be able to trust you with anything. I just do not understand why you do those things. I can't hate you though, I'm pretty sure that I'm incapable of hating you.
Because I did. I'm trying to decide if I wanted to prove a point or piss you off. But I'm thinking now that pissing you off proved a point. I let you off easy though. There were SO many other things I could have said. But I didn't. No, I'm not that horrible. And will I ever tell you? Only time will tell. Sigh. Really had to get that out. My my my I love blogging (:
I was criticized today for my artsy coffee as a matter of fact (: Ahaha, I love it... Like, a lot. I don't want to be pulled apart from you. Sure, I might not like all the same people you do..but i'm not sure that has to make a difference. Yes dear, you're rather high up there on my happy making list (: Because I'm not sure you know exactly how much people around you truly love and care about you. I want you to know that they do, because the day I felt people cared about me was probably one of the happiest days of my life. Ahh, la classe de francais...how does one describe that? Today was just weird on so many levels... Like, I'm not even totally sure what happened...it was that confusing. Yes, I admit I don't believe you again. Yes, even if I did, I still probably wouldn't admit it.
Please no. Please? Anything but that. Je n'aime pas mon brain....il est tres penible. =P
That, or you should be involved with someone. No thanks...I hate this holiday. It's so forced. And forced love isn't really love at all, right? Well, that's what I think anyways. Then you've got the girl who obsesses over random guys so that she doesn't feel "alone" They don't know what "alone" really is I don't think. Alone is never having anyone care about you ever. Alone is not being aware that a higher being loves you. Love is much different. Love radiates heat. Love is taking some simple thing that you hear a friend say and telling them that you're truly proud of them, in every way shape and form. Love is a random hug when someone doesn't expect it. Love is spontaneous. Love doesn't have a due date. Love...love just happens. Love is something I've never felt 100%. Love, huh. Stupid holiday. I reallyyy like having my guitar again. Like, really really...I didn't think it'd have this much of an impact on me not having it. J'adore la guitar acoustic. Je suis tres content avec lui.
Whoot! Yay! Mmkay so i'm freakin' happy that our lovely project for english is done... that was soooooo PAINFULL. ...legit. And Now I have a headache due to Josh's strobe light-ness. mm yeah. I want pain meds (:
I believe it's the polar oppositeness of it all. Like, I don't know, everything. I don't understand what anyone (well, everyone for that matter) claims it's what right. They obviously don't get it, and I don't mind. I'm fine will spilling my life's guts to the kid, but frankly I'm not convinced they would care. It's stupid, pointless, unnecessary. Could it go that far? I suppose; but I believe people need to stop taking it as far as they have. Stop. Please? Thanks. I went all tech-nerd on my ipod and ran my cute little diagnostic tests. Well, that got it to respond to the computer...but nothing more. It's still dead. I still have a horrid time in homeroom. Mod B...need more people to text during Mod B... "Now it's over. I need closure." -Howard's Tail.-Sick Puppies TWLOHA is doing this open chat thingy on Valentine's Day... And since I hate Valentine's Day, guess who's gonna be watching it ?! ...Oh, yeah, me. It'll be tear making for sure. I'll need to make plans for the weekend though...Family's making me insane. Sami is...I don't even know. Parents are wayyy too stressed, which makes me too stressed, and truth be told, I really just want a hug. Is that too much to ask? I just want a hug to make these past five days freakin' worth it. Yeah. That would be nice. And my guitar...Hopefully I'll get that back tomorrow. The End.
I don't want other people to have to deal with my problems (uhm, we've gone over this) But I can't very well keep up this...idk what you'd call it, bottled up feeling? Because I feel I'm on the verge of exploding and I don't want to hurt anyone or snap at them. Cause I feel like I would right now if they were involved.
You knocked the wind right out of me" -Phantom Planet You know those people that make the whole morning of your day worth it? Like the ones you see in the hall second to last mod? Those guys are my heroes. Cute and funny and ever so entertaining. Happy people make people happy. Which is happy making when your week sucks! Yeah, my week has been horrid. I really don't want to be so, hmm, how do I put this, depressed feeling maybe? Cause...well yeah. Again, I need a venting buddy.
To get away from this horrid weekend. To get out of the house. To forget some things. I want to detox. "If you're not ready for detox, turn on the radio!" -mm love love love that song. Step 1)-Go for an A on the science test. -this semester I plan to get an A in at least math and science. Step 2)-Get a venting buddy, -This is obviously not enough for me. It does help to a point, but not to the extent i need it too. Step 3)-Get some answers. -Look some people in the eye. Understand a little more. Pay attention the what the hell is going on around me. Those sound like some pretty good goals for the week. I like 'em.
Why don't I see it? Perhaps I'm simply not convinced. I don't think I'll ever be. "Turn off your mind relax and float down stream It is not dying, It is not dying." -The Beatles.
Too bad I don't know anyone who would let me near a gun. Which I guess it's a good thing, to know people would care if I died. Friends are cool like that though. So: 1)-iPod=dead...officially dead 2)-Straightener=dead...again, officially 3)-I'm afraid to touch anyone else's electronics today. 4)-The hole's back. Horrible mood of course. Either something AMAZING is going to happen this weekend, or maybe it'll just be bad. Amazing would be cool though...11:11 wish come true much. I need to look up...things can't get any worse...right? hmm, well, I certainly HOPE they don't get worse. Maybe I'll just perfect my Odyssey thing so we don't fail...that would be cool.
I can't seriously have missed that... You're the second person to mention it, but idk, I can't seem to believe either of you... Could it be my pretty little trust problem? mm, maybe. That, or that I like to hear what people think through them, and not someone else. I've gotten over not wanting this. In fact, I feel I'd probably like it in the long term, but "Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, I would never admit that I!"(-My #1: paramore (: ) I can't admit anything because I can't open up. I need someone for that I suppose, but I don't think that not wanting too is entirely my fault. Not wanting to open up I mean.. Damn, I'm talking in circles aren't I? Too bad this topic can't be dropped...ohh my, guess I know what my dream will involve tonight. So I joined Chaos I think... What do I do? Great question! I'll tell you when I figure it out? We'll see won't we. Major techno phase, but I think I'm turning into a hippy. Well, make that the technical opposite of a hippy. Like without the sex, drugs, and world peace stuff. That's normall! haha. wow. I'm Pathetic (: My iPod is dead. Like forever. Yes, I cried. Will I get another one? Give me three months. Crap, I don't think I can make it.
...is there really anything else to say? well, she like Nabisco...who doesn't ?! And her tummy is making funny sounds! Yay!
He's so my favorite...maybe because not a lot of people know him. Give him a year I suppose. So had the best lunch date in the world today. It was so great to just talk, I don't remember the last time I did that. And I'm not entirely sure what to think about it. I love that girl so much (: Ugh, class ranks. They're interresting. I mean, apparently they got screwed up, but i'd have to say i'm pretty proud of mine. Of course, I feel mediocre to a point, but I always do. And I know I shouldn't, I've been told many times before, but that doesn't mean anything changes. Well, I'll probably pick up the guitar, write a couple randomly thrown together songs, just to clear my mind. Then find the "theme" I guess you could say of it. Horrayy... I don't enjoy babysitting. And seeing as it's going to happen a lot this month... well, i guess crap is all i can sayy
I'd like a pretty picture to put my mind at ease. I wouldn't say I'm much for love, Because the conversations we have are not enough So I wait And wonder when on earth the little spark we have will go under." I feel kinda empty again. Like I'm missing something. And anything I write makes it worse. It's as if my heart is leaving and going somewhere....but I have no idea where. Should I know where it's going? Would you like to tell me where it should go?
I don't want you going back there. I heard who you're going to be hanging out with. What are you going to do? Please don't do anything stupid. I know it's hard to stop doing this stuff, and I know you've but some effort in, I just don't want you to fall back. If all else fails, I'll be your mom. I have the worst headache in the entire world right now. And I have about a million things to do for homework. YUCK. I really hope I'm not sick... I mean, sore muscles, aching throat, and a major headache can't be much... Or it could I suppose. Ahh, just screw it, I just don't want it to get worse. Canada. Seriously? What are the chances of my over protective parents letting me go to Canada? What are the chances of your parents letting you go? Haha, well, we'll just have to see won't we... The screen hurts my eyes... I need a nap.
well it sounds like some place i'd like to go" eww. I think I'm coming down with something. Why? Well since you asked: 1)-My throat kills 2)-I can't seem to stretch out my muscles 3)-I've had a slight headache since this morning... again YUCK. Hoping I'm only sick if it's a snowday or someday where I'd be pathetically bored anyways. guess this'll be a tab looking up day... I'm not really sure what else to do. Like, I acctually did my homework...which doesn't happen. And I didn't really text or call anyone. I guess I'm just kinda in my own world today. Weird.
-Jackson! yup, i love conceded people! |
