welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
I don't understand how you hate so much. How do you expect me to love you when you'd kill me if you could? Don't tell me 'She's just special.' That B.S. My life does not and will not revolve around her. It can't. When it does, Olivia goes away. Where does she go? Just away. Detachment was horrible the first time. Don't tell me it's okay to go back. It isn't. So, hope was the message at church today. But what I've realized is that I haven't really put my hope in anything. I find it difficult to even put my hope in God. But I have to. And it does help, even if I don't believe it. That's why I like religion. People can look at you and say 'why on earth would you believe that?' And all I'd say is for some sense of security. Too many times have other things fallen away from me while I searched for something. Something....tangible, meaningful I guess. The closest I've gotten to that is God, but I still can't always convince myself that he cares. No one cared before. Why should someone so important be burdened with it? Then I start questioning things. I know he's there. It's just hard to think that he understands. Does he understand that what I've longed for for the longest time probably won't happen for another couple of years? Does he understand that I've always wanted to be close to a friend, but I push away those I find too clingy? Does he understand that I can't stand my sisters although they've made me who I am? Does he understand that I never feel good enough? Does he understand that the one thing I'd love to do is the one thing I can never do with my life? Does he understand? I'm not saying I'm going back to a legit emo state, but these are the things that go through my head. I'm not saying my life is screwed up. I'm not saying I don't believe in God. I'm saying that some weird sense of security I get telling God about these things makes me feel better. Hmm. I don't think I've ever felt security with anyone. Too many standards. People have tried, it just freaks me out. Friendships are two sided. I need my guitar...again (: |
