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I really do need this week of break. A break from everything and most everyone. Hopefully I'll be able to come back with a better mind set. I need this more than ever. Be back friday (:
I love infomercials. (: Anyways... That was unnecessary darling. What exactly were you implying at that point? I could have slapped you. But I didn't. I have to be polite to a point, after all. "All I've got at the end of the day is the love to smile now, even if that's fake." Then again, it was kind of a slap in the face to me. I'm just stupid and blind, aren't I? Mmhm. That's just how it goes most days. So, I've read the first pages of each of these required books... I really don't want to read them. I finished my bio packet in wayyyy less than the average time. Why do I have fun balancing equations? "I got a lot to say to you Yeah, I got a lot to say I noticed your eyes are always glued to me Keeping them here And it makes no sense at all They taped over your mouth Scribbled out the truth with their lies You little spies They taped over your mouth Scribbled out the truth with their lies You little spies" Summer still hasn't set in for me. Not sure if it will really. Today is a nice music day...That's what I'm planning on doing. "wait for me I've got to see the looks that you will get when you turn down the key to the town and your social being." -The Early November; Hair.
Plan on getting out at 8:30, we leave 15 minutes later. Get on the highway. Sami forgot her testing stuff. Turn around. Get back on the road at 9. And we get there and it's cold. But it's not freezing. It didn't get too hot, but I hate it when it's hot. It was relatively enjoyable. Better than packing... Oh packing. I do not want to pack for camp. Short Sweet and Melancholy? I don't have much today.
Oh darling, what on earth am I going to do with you? (: First day of summer and I've finally gotten all my beach attire for tomorrow. I wish the weather would make up it's mind today though... Me an Katy want to break out the kiddie pool again! Beach tomorrow, church the next day, and camp after that. Why can't I decide if I'm excited about camp or not? Perhaps it's the lack of people going. Perhaps it's just that I don't want to participate in a lot of stuff... I don't know. It'll be different I guess. "All that you're saying I can't stop laughing You're over your head." -The Minus Scale
It's the end of the school year. It's all over...but it doesn't reallyyy feel over. I love Rachel Ford with a passion of a thousand suns (: Honey, why do you make me so damn happy? (: I really don't understand. Fact is that I'm happy though. I've given up on trying to understand anything. Oh summer (: I really am excited about all the junk I'm doing. I just hope I have time for everything...
Mr. Seniow made me take my chorus final an hour after I woke up. Sigh. Not like it was hard, I just wasn't in the mood. Second. Ms. Mantineo is my Alg II L4 teacher. Anyone wanna come over and shoot me? Third. Kirsty lost her abilities/skills in mario cart double dash Today is a sad day indeed... But it had it's pluses. Mostly yesterday/last night. That was fun. I love random conversations about nothing (:
Well, maybe you don't. But I've compiled a bit of a list throughout the school year. No particular order. Care to see if you made it? 1)-Starting Now: Ingrid Michaelson "I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb I want to shut out all the lights in this room I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise - Starting now I'll never know your name Starting now I'll never feel the same Starting now I wish you never came into my world. I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains Spinning away every piece that remains of you. But before you finally go there's one thing you should know: That I promise - Starting now I'll never know your name Starting now I'll never feel the same Starting now I wish you never came into my world. It's my world, it's not ours anymore It's my world, it's not ours anymore Starting now I'll never know your name Starting now I'll never feel the same Starting now I wish you never came into my world." Don't be shy, go ahead and pull up an MP3 or something. It's cute. It's sticky cute. Can't say I can handle much of Ingrid dear. Anyways, the point right? This seems to be song I try to convince myself of. So in reality, there are two people here. With a cute little melodramatic story that has yet to complete playing out. How do I plan on it ending? Simply. This time next year I'll be freaking out about it, but once the year's over... Well, the story will just be one to tell future friends. That's the expected outcome. Could it be different? Oh, things could be very different. Things could escalate, but I'd rather not think about that now. Moving on... 2)-If You're Lucky, No One Will Get Hurt-Daphne Loves Derby "Rest your bones, I am feeling weak again so please rest with me. I dare not ask who's been helping you fall asleep, oh honey. I'm so tense, gasoline machines can't save me now. Is this how you get what you want? Cause I'd give you everything And I could be destructive too. I'll do anything you make me do. And I can be the one who brings this down. No, please don't make me, please don't make me. Change is coming, yes it's on its way to make things fair, And I'm colliding with the space you're making. Oh honey now I'm afraid that this is way, this is the way you're gonna be. And I could be destructive too. I'll do anything you make me do. And I can be the one who brings this down. No, please don't let me, please don't let me. I'll hunt the hands that took my place, and hang them on the wall so high. I'll make this fair if it's what you want. I dare not ask, I dare not ask for more." Now honestly, this one is worth looking up if you haven't heard it. Daphne Loves Derby just has that easy listening style about them. But the person I'm talking about here is someone I don't deserve. Don't tell me I don't give myself enough credit, because it's entirely true. Maybe it's because Anyone who's stayed as close as you have left. And you're just the first one to come around since then. Don't let me screw this up. I don't want to be the one to leave. 3)-Baby, Come on; +44 "She's a pretty girl. She's always falling down. And I think I just fell in love with her, But she won't ever remember, remember. And I can always find her at the bottom of a plastic cup. Drowning in drunk sincerity. A sad and lonely girl. Quit crying your eyes out. Quit crying your eyes out and, Baby come on. Isn't there something familiar about me? The past is only the future with the lights on. Quit crying your eyes out, Baby. And she said, I think we're running out of alcohol. Tonight, I hate this fucking town. And all my best friends will be the death of me, But they won't ever remember, remember. So please take me far away, before I melt into the ground. And all my words get used against me. This sad and lonely girl. Quit crying your eyes out. Quit crying your eyes out and, Baby come on. Isn't there something familiar about me? The past is only the future with the lights on. Quit crying your eyes out, Baby. Quit crying your eyes out. Quit crying your eyes out and, Baby come on. Isn't there something familiar about me? The past is only the future with the lights on. Quit crying your eyes out. Isn't there something familiar about me? Quit crying your eyes out. The past is only the future with the lights on. So quit crying your eyes out, Baby." If you've decided to look these up, I recommend the acoustic version. I met you this year, and I think you can see even that you've grown. And I'm proud of you. I know you may not believe me entirely, but I really, truly am proud. You've opened your eyes and found, well, simply happy. And it's okay to be okay. I promise. (: I love you....a lot... 4)-Here (In Your Arms); Hellogoodbye "I like, Where we are, When we drive, In your car. I like, Where we are, Here. Cause our lips, Can touch. And our cheeks, Can brush. Our lips can touch, Here. Where you are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I've missed you quite terribly." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now there's no place else, I could be, but, Here in your arms. I like, Where you sleep, When you sleep, Next to me. I like, Where you sleep, Here. Our lips, Can touch. And our cheeks, Can brush. Cause our lips can touch, Here. Where you are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I've missed you quite terribly." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now there's no place else, I could be, but, Here in your arms. Our lips can touch. Our lips can touch, Here. You are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I've missed you quite terribly." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now there's no place else, I could be, but, Here in your... You are the one, the one, That lies close to me. Whispers, "Hello, I've missed you quite, miss you quite..." I fell in love, in love, With you suddenly. Now theres no place else, I could be, but, Here in your arms. Here in your arms. Oh, here in your... arms." Before anyone asks, this song is not interpreted word for word in this case. No. I never fell in love with them. Hear me out. This person just makes everything okay, and I don't think she knows it. No. I know she doesn't know it. Will I tell her this? Someday maybe. She'd be likely to ask about it anyways. I feel that I can connect with her on anything even though I never seem to take up the opportunity. I wish she'd understand how she's effected me positively. Because she has. 5)-Everything's Magic; Angels and Airwaves "And do you ever feel like you're alone? And do you ever wish you'd be unknown? I could say that I have.. I could say that I have.. And do you ever feel things here aren't right? And do you ever feel the time slip by? I can say that I have.. And I can say that I have.. So hear this please And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly And look for the stars as the sun goes down Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound Everything, everything's magic Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight Prepare for the best and the fastest ride And reach out your hand, and i'll make you mine Everything, everything's magic And do you ever lay awake at night? And do you ever tell yourself don't try? Don't try to let yourself down Don't try to let yourself down And do you ever see yourself in love? And do you ever take a chance, my love? Because you know that I will.. Because you know that I will.. So hear this please And watch as your hearts speeds up endlessly And look for the stars as the sun goes down Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound Everything, everything's magic Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight Prepare for the best and the fastest ride And reach out your hand, and i'll make you mine Everything, everything's magic Everything, everything's magic So hear this please And watch as your hearts speeds up endlessly And look for the stars as the sun goes down Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound Everything, everything's magic Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight Prepare for the best and the fastest ride And reach out your hand, and i'll make you mine Everything, everything's magic" Oh my, this is going to sound stupid. Remember that time in PacSun when this song came on and I asked everyone in the store what it was and they didn't know? Then we went home and looked for it for a couple months. Then one day it poped up on your myspace and I flipped out on you at school for finding it? (Props for you btw :D) It's stuff like that that makes me really appreciate our friendship. Warped tour and deep conversations about the universe? You've got it. 6)-So I Thought; Flyleaf "All your twisted thoughts free flow To everlasting memories Show soul Kiss the stars with me And dread the wait for Stupid calls returning us to life We say to those who are in love It can't be true 'cause we're too young I know that's true because so long I was So in love with you So I thought A year goes by And I can't talk about it On my knees Dim lighted room Thoughts free flow try to consume Myself in this I'm not faithless Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose Ignorance is bliss cherish it Pretty neighborhoods You learn too much to hold Believe it not And fight the tears With pretty smiles and lies About the times A year goes by And I can't talk about it The times weren't right And I couldn't talk about it Choris Romance says goodnight Close your eyes and I'll close mine Remember you, remember me Hurt the first, the last, between Choris Romance says goodnight Close your eyes and I'll close mine Remember you, remember me Hurt the first, the last, between And I'm praying that we will see Something there in between Then and there that exceeds all we can dream So we can talk about it [guitar solo] Choris Romance says goodnight Close your eyes and I'll close mine Remember you, remember me Hurt the first, the last, between Choris Romance says goodnight Close your eyes and I'll close mine Remember you, remember me Hurt the first, the last, between And I'm praying that we will see Something there in between Then and there that exceeds all we can dream And all these twisted thoughts I see Jesus there in between And all these twisted thoughts I see Jesus there in between" I had difficulty with your song. There was a lot I could have done, but I felt they were too obvious. You've been there subtly, in the shadows almost. This was one of the first songs we clicked together on. I don't know, you just said how nice it was to talk to me, but I don't think you get how nice it is to talk to you. You inspire me. 7)-Syndicate; The Fray "Half way around the world lies the one thing that you want Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down The first thing that arises in your mind when you awake Is bending you 'til you break, let me hold you now Baby close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light Baby don't forget, we haven't lost it all yet Don't know what you're made of 'til the one thing that you want Is coming with the dawn and suddenly changes The Monday syndicate meets everyone the same All we've lost to the flame, listen to me now Baby close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for Baby, don't forget we haven't lost it all yet Someday when this is over We may still have no answer For now it's when I hold her We are closer, we are closer Baby, close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for Baby, don't forget we haven't lost it all yet We haven't lost it all yet We are closer, we are closer" "Actually, you don't know me, but I'm going to be going to Central next year and wanted to know if we may have classes together." Something along those lines. (: Remember when we were going to "finish out project" That was great. I feel lucky. I don't know if I should be, but I really am happy that we can have these kind of discussions. It's silly, and simple, but my reason for remembering you goes farther than you think. 8)Something's Coming; West Side Story "Could be Who knows? There's something due any day I will know right away Soon as it shows It may come cannonballin' down through the sky Gleam in its eye Bright as a rose! Who knows? It's only just out of reach Down the block, on a beach Under a tree I got a feeling there's a miracle due Gonna come true Coming to me Could it be? Yes it could Something's coming Something good If I can wait Something's coming I don't know what it is But it is Gonna be great! With a click With a shock Phone'll jingle Door'll knock Open the latch! Something's coming, don't know when But it's soon Catch the moon One handed catch Around the corner Or whistling down the river Come on - deliver To me Will it be? Yes it will Maybe just by holding still It'll be there! Come on, something, come on in Don't be shy Meet a guy Pull up a chair The air is hummin' And something great is coming Who knows It's only just Out of reach Down the block, on a beach Maybe tonight Maybe tonight..." Come on...someone had to get. Happiest unexpected occurrence at the very end of the school year. And the timing was ridiculous. And it got me through. Yes honey, you did well. I have to say that's the longest on going conversation I've ever had. You seemed to be that something that came...sorry it's in musical form (: Next! 9)-Over This; Ace Enders “Let's just say, that I am over this I am done with it, and moving on. So let's pretend, that it was perfect. And it was worth it, and all is good. But it's hard times, to make it seem alright. Oh please because, We need some saving To help prevent our hearts from breaking So we can say that all of this was worth it. So let's just say, that I deserved it. I worked and earned it, would that be wrong? We're moving on, never regret it And please don't expect it 'Cause we're on our own. But it's hard times, to make it seem alright. Oh please because, We need some saving To help prevent our hearts from breaking So we can say that all of this was worth it. We need some saving To help prevent our hearts from breaking So we can say that all of this was worth it. We need some saving To help prevent our hearts from breaking So we can say that all of this was worth it.” Thank for allowing me to gush from time to time. Thank you for being someone I trust. Thank you for trusting me. I know we’ve had these conversations before, but I honestly do feel like I can trust you with a lot. Thank you so much for that…you really have no idea. Last one… 10)-Behind the Sea (Alternate version); Panic at the Disco “A daydream spills from my corked head Breaks free of my wooden neck Left a nod over sleeping waves Like bobbing bait for bathing cod Floating flocks of candled swans Slowly drift across wax ponds The men all played along To marching drums And boy did they have fun Behind the sea They sang So our matching legs Are marching clocks And we're all too small To talk to God Yes, we're all too smart To talk to God Toast the fine folks casting silver crumbs To us from the dock Jinxed things ringing as they leak Through tiny cracks in the boardwalk Scarecrow, now it's time to hatch Sprouting sons and ageless daughters Those watermelon smiles Just can't ripen underwater Just can't ripen underwater The men all played along To marching drums And boy did they have fun Behind the sea They sang So our matching legs Are marching clocks And we're all too small To talk to God Yeah, we're all too smart To talk to God Oh, we're all too smart To talk to God” Why? Because the lyrics make about as much sense as your thought process sometimes (: I won’t say we’ve been through a lot…because we haven’t. I won’t say we were inseparable…because we weren’t. But you were always there… It’s a nice thing. I could have added a lot more to this list…like, A LOT more. Throughout this year, I’ve encountered a lot of stuff…and without it, I wouldn’t have changed. So thank you for molding me. I know, I know…that sounds creepy, but it happens.
I hate html >_< In other news... Lovely day. Woke up, gym final, went home, slept, woke up, Jackson's, went home ate, blogged. Why am I so tired today though? So I went over it. And that...that wasn't the look I was going for. That was the,"Oh...I didn't think it'd be so bad" look. That's why I didn't want too. But face it. I had too. Ahh, a much needed sleeping in tomorrow (: I can't wait. Imma stay up late...again... ...Let us pray this won't be because of thought.
I hate this. Leave me the heck alone. ...Please? Why did that make me so happy? I'm a bit confused. That shouldn't have made me happy, but in that stupid, silly gesture...well... Okay, let's face it. I could have melted. And for a split second there, I think I did. Which is ridiculous. Because I used to be able to compose this kind of stuff. This is just different. The lyrics to my song ring true either way. "It may come cannonballing down from the sky, gleam in it's eye, bright as a rose... Who knows?..." -From the only musical worth watching (: Today was...cute? Ha. I guess that's one way of putting it. Not the English final...that wasn't cute. "I came you find you" Why are you so adorable sometimes? haha I love how I have one final tomorrow... And it's gym? What a waste of life.
Other than that it's been finals. I know 95 vocab words, 30ish characters/epithets, and all about the history leading up to the french revolution. I want to shoot myself in the foot. Because of course what's the next one? Geometry...but that's not until Wednesday. And on Wednesday, I get to go to Sami's promotion ceremony. Great. It's going to be awful. Other than that, science is the only one I'm concerned about. But it should be fine as long as my formula sheet was acceptable. Sigh. Four more days. Four days till summer. Seven days till camp. Oh camp...still trying to decide if I'm looking forward to it or not. I just want to be alone I guess away from family. But then I don't? I don't know. I'll see what happens. The weather has been quite bi-polar today and it's going to rain for a good portion of the week. I hope it pours.
I'd congratulate you, but I don't think it's a good thing. Because you made it there that night when I decided what was happening. Honestly? A simple self-esteem boost. You didn't seem too thrilled about that in my dream though. And the whole performance aspect of it was weird. Two people with enough talent sitting, watching other people take over. But everything was somehow my fault? I don't understand. I don't even know if I can explain it. It's just that these dreams seem so real now. And pretty accurate. Which is why that whole...thing worries me. The first one like this was true. One fell apart, the other grew closer, knowing one of them was for the worst. I just hope this one does. I genuinely hope this doesn't change too drastically. "I like where we are. Here." "I'm not expecting it to go anywhere." "Why not?" I don't know love. It's one of those I don't want to ruin a good thing things. Why am I constantly being confronted with that? I can't exactly use the give me time excuse, because time's not the issue. Oh sweet security, where have you gone? I've missed you warm glowing light. I've missed your song at my finger tips. Come home wont you? I need you so. I need you before I do something idiotic. I need your sense of knowing. I need your sense of being. "I need you here, I need you now, I need security somehow" "So hear this please. And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly. Look for the stars as the sun goes down. Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound. Everything everything's magic. Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight. Prepare for the best and the fastest ride. Reach out your hand and I'll make you mine. Everything, everything's magic." -Angels and Airwaves
"Yeah it's why we're best friends!" I love running into your randomly though out the day. With our eyes all lit up and our dorky smiles. Momentary lapse of mood. Yup. That's pretty much how it goes. And I could never ask for anything more. Everything's over. I don't have to take Geometry or deal with concert choir. Sure. I'll have to deal with you. And I'm not sure how that's going to go next year. I'm betting we fall about. Meet you at the end I suppose. Either way...I'm still trying to decide if I'm going to like it or not. I'll have entertainment. Quite a few concerts. Camp. Arizona ♥. Tennessee. Story Land. Summer reading (appox. 900 pages). Two assignments. Kurt Vonnegut. Cookies and House. Guitar. Piano. Pizza. Ridiculously long walks. But it's only two months. And as insane as it seems, I don't know if it's enough. I've just heard weird things today that make me think differently. "We never had that much work over the summer" And other things I'd rather not record. Those things are for me. For my journal. For my mind to ponder. For my mind to discover the meaning over two months.
"Sure, is it okay if we go to target?" -Not like I can say no. "Sure." I really don't like being out all day on weekdays. As if school in the rain isn't depressing. The last thing I want to do is be out till five and have to babysit. If it's going to rain...I'd like to enjoy it. It's one of those long phone call days. "Take the white pill, you'll feel alright." -3Oh!3...what and awful band, haha "I scream bloody murder. Why don't you call me something dirtier? Never thought this honest crush, could be so dangerous." -Phantom Planet(=♥) Oh Phantom Planet (: Oh the memories. (: I really don't have anything to write about today....
But I don't remember what it was now... Well, I'll just pick what's been bugging me, 'kay? (Not that you have much of a choice) "By the time it was right, you didn't want to fall." Oddly powerful pop songs have some freaky meanings sometimes. Like that...I get that. Don't really care to explain now though... "Search for a gentle face that can heal this misfit mind." -Daphne Loves Derby Question: Is it okay to be okay? "Umm....yeah..." Honey, honestly. I don't have major 'roots.' Well...I did...they've just been dealt with. That 6 month period is gone. I don't need to explain what happened if it's done. I've contacted those I needed to. It's done. I just always feel during these discussions that I'm required to have a problem. And I know that it's the most obvious of answers; No, you don't have to have a problem. Then what is one to do? Sit there and watch? I feel awful on both ends. But I'd feel worse if I mentioned it. So I say it in little snippets. Usual. What should one really expect from me? "The ornaments look pretty, but they're pulling down the branches of the tree" -Cake (:
Love is not so beautiful when your lungs are caving in And beautiful is gone Oh don’t lie to me when we both know baby beautiful is gone " -The Ruse Today has been dull thus far. Well...not dull per day. I'm just sick, so everything seems dull. I mean...my writing conference actually went well... The lady could have made me cry if the other group hadn't interrupted. Study was math filled. We pretty much just skipped gym... Lunch was lunch. Chorus wasn't awful. Geometry sucked. Science scared the crap out of me. And french was easy... "Oh! It's Wednesday!" "Honey...it's Tuesday..." "Oh My Gosh it is!" -haha, that's what Case love told me yesterday (: But today, it is Wednesday. And I'm hoping this discussion won't irritate me as much as our English discussion. Abandonment. That was the topic. And it was irritating. I wasn't going to bring up my experiences. That wasn't the place. I wasn't going to bring up things about autistic children. That wasn't the place. Sit down. Shut-up. Act like you care. That was pretty much it. Sigh. Oh well.
Morning sucked. I hate being sick :( But things turned around. I think...I'm not entirely sure. The circulation in my legs was cut off...what are friends for? I got my original seat back in science now that the year is ending...figures, right? It was just an overall good day. "Can you dissolve crack in water?" "What the fuck..." -You would answer that question like that. "I just realized how awesome this is." -Yeah. I'd say that's pretty chill. Well...it was good aside from being convinced to do things I don't want to do. From social crap to classes? I mean really...classes? I don't want to take the full year of AP World History. I don't care if I regret it. I intend to have fun with the remaining years of school I have. A full year of World History is not included in that. There's just so much stuff I want to take. List? Sure: 1)-AP Bio 2)-AP Chem. 3)-Physics 4)-Calc. 5)-Jazz Band 6)-Adv. Instrumental studies 7)-Theory 4 ...I really want to take them all. But I don't think I can. And it's ever so depressing. Not to mention the other required classes to take. Sigh. I'm sick of everyone wanting to take these classes too. "I kind of want to do chamber because it's a level 4" "Ha. Good luck with that." -I told her something about how you didn't mean it...but you did, and I wanted to give you the biggest hug right then (: I've pretty much decided I want to go into either Science or Music. There's no need to take every AP class in the world to do it. Only the ones I want to take. Stop telling me what I should do. And you should stop telling me who I should associate with. You're pissing me off. Drop it.
"I'll tell you later." -Well, I couldn't just tell you right then. Things are going...oddly at the moment. And today was weird, in that sense. Maybe it's because someone made me aware. Then I got worried, but I know I shouldn't be. Because only we really know what's going on. And I'm perfectly fine with that. I'd like it to stay like that for awhile. It's comfortable, like acoustic music in the pouring rain. It's cold today :( And it's spitting. No, not raining, just spitting. I want it to pour. I want the sky to cry. I want the rain to fall down hard on my face. The rain is the best. No questions asked. I just wish I knew why I liked it so much. I love it when it rains. And when it rains, it pours. "Where is love when it's needed most? Did it burn away the moment we all looked away? Envy waits for those days when it rains. When it rains." -Envy; Daphne Loves Derby.
So, I reflected upon my weekend too. And I'd write it word for word... But I'm afraid I really can't do that. And I'd even write part of it... But I don't know how to explain it. Not only the reality of the events...but the fxcked up dream that came after it. We'll just contemplate the dream. I didn't like the dream first of all. I wouldn't say it scared me necessarily, but it was wayyy too real. It's one of those things I'd try to avoid, but I feel that it's coming faster than I'd like. And I don't want to end up having to make a decision. Because I know I did in my dream, but it'd end up differently in reality. You just seemed so hurt. Well, both of you did. But the other seemed royally pissed off in a way I've never seen before. And I found it ridiculous how I had to take a walk to deal with it. And I found it odd that my end result wasn't even happy, although it brought be to tears. I don't know. I don't get it. I hope I won't have to deal with it. OK Go is really making me quite happy (: Such as Shortly Before the End and Return. "How long did we all think this all would last? Who could have counted days as they flew past? But before we go, sing us a song. Sing us a song to hum through the hours of dying. Who would have though it'd come as such a show? A pink and silver day... who was to know? Even as we go, sing us a song. Sing us a song, to hum through the hours of dying." "Now its years since your body went flat and even memories of that are all think and dull, all gravel and glass. But who needs them now -- displaced they're easily more safe -- the worst of it now: I can't remember your face. Return. For a while, with the vertigo cured, we were alive -- we were pure. The void took the shape of all that you were, but years take their toll, and things get bent into shape... Antiseptic and tired, I can't remember your face. Return. You were supposed to grow old. Reckless, unfrightened, and old, you were supposed to grow old. Return. You were supposed to return."
I think it was the forth of July." I love thunderstorms. A gorgeous way to end a not so awful day. It could have been better, sure. But it sure could have been a lot worse. I'd write it all now. But I don't have the time.
-Why does everyone ask that? "I would have guessed Junior...Sophomore...not a freshman." ...Hmm. I would have thought after 2-3 months you would have guessed. Oh well maybe it's cause you're high all the time (: Attention seeker much! There's something strange about your eyes. Not physically I suppose as much as emotionally. They seem charged with curiosity. Curiosity and intensity. They're...piercing. Calling almost. Honestly, it's hard to resist an offer like that. So when returning the favor, you simply throw a crooked smile at me. It's different though. And I don't know what it is...but I certainly wouldn't mind finding out. "Apathy and Heartache; A shallow attempt to find happiness without pissing too many people off." It's funny how I haven't told many people about that. "Well what did you want to do this summer?" Mother, I wouldn't have told you anyways. I'm keeping it mostly to myself. There have been plenty of times during this school year that I could have brought it up. Asked for opinions on it. Ask for advice. But I didn't. I never had enough of a moment to share. Jeez, I keep so much stuff to myself without even knowing it. Why do I do that? Sure, I share some stuff. Not exactly enough though. Well, what do you expect me to do about that? I'm not just going to pick someone. Summer...summer will make things better. My solo Arizona trip will make things better. Jesus camp will make things better. Something has too.
I don't really know why exactly...but it was. Maybe it was last night that put me in a good mood. Maybe it was the other obvious number of laughable occurrences. Either way, I'm pretty happy. "Oh wow, just the person I was looking to rape!" -And if we weren't friends, I'm not sure what people would think of that (: Don't you dare ever leave. Thank-you. I'm not sure for what yet, but thanks. You shouldn't be thanking me. That's just odd. I've done nothing... "I gave you nothing, I took you no where." -UnderOATH.
"French class" "You wouldn't mind getting out of french class right?" "Not at all...would you get me out of french class?" "I'm going to have too for a couple days." -See, that makes me happy. Not that I'm missing french class, but that I'm being considered for something.. Something...advanced? More exceptional? I don't know. But I'm being considered, and that's a self-esteem booster. "You deserve a hug for that." -You know what, I do! I was proud of myself for picking up a new technique in 5 minutes. (: "So we're still having an affair, right?" -Honey, I love you, haha. Next year's going to be great (: "Why not?! It'll be fun!" -...I don't see the fun in that... Convince me...then just try to convince my parents. And the chances of me being convinced are slim. Have fun love. I had one of my hour long guitar sessions (: I miss those. They make the following day so much better. "The air is humming And something great is coming."
Not really good, not really bad. I got that dreaded text I promised myself I wouldn't look forward too when I woke up, and during my least favorite class. Figures I'd get them when I'm in a bad mood. Ridiculous. Simply ridiculous. You guys are soooo weird. Yes, I have to agree with you that he's an ass. That's not exactly difficult to see (: It makes for a nice story though! Many nice stories... Oh darling dear, what am I going to do with you? Stop making me laugh (: Summer. Still not 100% sure if I'd like it too come or not. It's not like it's any more than two months any how. It'll either be amazing or awful. And honestly. I'd hate the second option.
What a day. Morning was very nice. Left me on a cloud. Mid-morning was pretty bad. Afternoon was okay. Unexpected? Mmhm. Quite. After school was okay as well. Unexpected? Again, yes. Quite unexpected. First off: No. Everyone needs to stop thinking that that's what I want. With anyone. But today's experience was just plain wrong. No. Don't ruin a good thing. Please please please don't ruin a good thing. And then home: Huh. Just huh. "I don't know, me and dad were talking about your audition and we've come to 3 possibilities. The first, and what we think is the most likely one, is that maybe your pursuing music shouldn't necessary be in the church. I mean, honestly, Have you seen your luck in the past 8 or 9 years?" Well what am I supposed to do? "People want to escape pain, and if you could do that for 3 minutes...that's like therapy." I'm not sure who to converse with about this. I wish I knew someone who understood. I still feel like I'm missing something. That sinking hole in chest feeling. I don't like it. "Don't be scared I need you to keep dreaming."
I was with 4-5 year olds for 3 1/2 hours. Eww. I had the worst audition ever shortly after. Eww. I went for a run today and it was awful as usual. Eww. I finished Silas Marner. Eww. Positive: I allowed someone who doesn't normally sleep in on Sundays to sleep in. Yay (: I had a nice phone conversation. Yay (: Someone recommended good music to me. Yay (: I read a book about parasites. Yay (: So I guess this weekend wasn't a total waste. Sami's birthday is finally over, so we can stop hearing about it. That's probably why I hate my birthday. Just hearing about it get annoying. And people getting mad at you for not telling people about it gets old. I'm sure I've done that to people before though. Oh well. I miss you dear. I don't know why, it's not like we've grown apart. I just miss being conjoined at the hip. And again, I don't think that has even changed. Maybe this week will change that. Listen to: Burden of a Day
Who knows? There's something due any day; I will know right away, Soon as it shows. It may come cannonballing down through the sky, Gleam in its eye, Bright as a rose! Who knows? It's only just out of reach, Down the block, on a beach, Under a tree. I got a feeling there's a miracle due, Gonna come true, Coming to me! Could it be? Yes, it could. Something's coming, something good, If I can wait! Something's coming, I don't know what it is, But it is Gonna be great! With a click, with a shock, Phone'll jingle, door'll knock, Open the latch! Something's coming, don't know when, but it's soon; Catch the moon, One-handed catch! Around the corner, Or whistling down the river, Come on, deliver To me! Will it be? Yes, it will. Maybe just by holding still, It'll be there! Come on, something, come on in, don't be shy, Meet a guy, Pull up a chair! The air is humming, And something great is coming! Who knows? It's only just out of reach, Down the block, on a beach, Maybe tonight . . . " -Something's Coming; West Side Story (My favorite musical :D)
I woke up and honestly felt like I was dying. Listened to some Jack Johnson for happy vibes and three pain killers, and it was off to the real world. I don't remember what happened. Well, I remember a nice conversation with Kya during gym (: That was nice. Got me thinking probably more than I should have been, but it's okay. I'm having music withdrawals. It's quite irritating. There's just so many band I've stated listening, my iPod's having trouble keeping up. I'll have to fix that. I've found it hard to write a whole lot lately. Yeah, I know I'm vague, But I haven't actually written about anything. Maybe I'm sick of it. Maybe I'm closing off. Maybe I just need to get away. That's always the answer a friend gave me, just get away. That's a lot harder than you may think. I can't just leave, though I have before. Sitting in the tower; watching; waiting. Ironic to a point I suppose. Because I don't know what I'm waiting for. Why do I bother watching when there's nothing to look forward to? It's that stupid hole. The stupid idiotic wretched hole that keeps me looking, looking for something to fill it. I don't know what it means. I want to like where I am for a little while...but I'm not sure when that's going to start up again. Suggestions? My pathetically confused mind could really use some sense of security. "I've kept my heart under control" -Parachute
Which I did. Probably more than once... But that's okay (: Our songs were worse than expected and our dance was...uhm... well...we made people laugh, so I guess that's a plus...maybe? And as awful as it was...I loved pretty much every minute of it. "I need to get away from her" "Oh, you hate her too!" That's just awful dear. It was awful. I loved it. "And Lately the weather has been so bi-polar and consequently so have I"
Hate hate hated that. I can't stand group discussions that consist of wallowing in misery. I have a very simple question: Is it okay to be okay? Because after tonight, I'm not sure if it is. WWell, maybe not. I don't know. I met someone new who I clicked with instantly. After a horrible night. A night where I had almost convinced myself I had issues that I didn't, I found someone. "Wow. I'm sorry I just really really like your glasses." "Oh, well thank you very much, I have quite a liking to your hat." I don't think I could record it all...but there was something oddly different about this kid. The kind of look at you when you talk kind of thing. That made me feel a lot different than I have in a long time. Good different. No worries.
Then in a frozen bar And I claimed I didn't care for you But your verse got trapped inside my head Over and over again You played yourself to death in me I thought I'd drop you easily But that was not to be You burrowed like a summer tic So you invade my sleep and confuse my dreams Turn my nights to sleepless itch Stuck on you 'till the end of time I'm too tired to fight your rhyme Stuck on you 'till the end of time you've got me paralyzed Holding on the telephone I hear your midrange moan You're everywhere inside my room Even when I'm alone I hear your mellow drone You're everywhere inside of me Stuck on you 'till the end of time I'm too tired to fight your rhyme Stuck on you 'till the end of time You got me trapped inside I can't escape your incessant whine When you beam it out all across the sky No I can't escape (stuck on you 'till the end of time) your insipid rhyme (I'm too tired to fight your rhyme) When you shoot it deep (stuck on you 'till the end of time) Straight into my mind" Yeah. That's kind of how I feel...maybe? I suppose. Tomorrow is going to be fun and awful. Fun? Concerts are fun for me and I don't have to go to geometry. Awful? Uhm. Dancing? Fail. "Why are we drifting apart?" I don't know love. I really wish I did too. Maybe later... I'm not in the mood for once.
Let alone getting pregnant. Did I not mention that the world is screwed up? "Well can't you see that it's just raining there ain't no need to go outside... But Baby, You hardly even notice when I try to show you this song is meant to keep ya from doing what you're supposed to like waking up too early Maybe we can sleep in I'll make you banana pancakes pretend like it's the weekend now" -Jack Johnson.
We're not. We won't be. "Mom, if I was dating someone, I'd tell you." "Aww really?" Is it THAT uncommon to do? Oh well. Our world is pretty screwed up. Otherwise, I had a great day. I think it was all those substitutes (: Chorus and Geometry. Dancing in chorus is lame...but it'll all be over soon. Too soon probably. "I cannot believe she got that." It was once love. That's all. And I can understand why you're pissed off. I was too at first. Now I just find how hilarious it is and laugh :D "There's one in every crowd, and it's usually me." Country music's not all bad I suppose...
When people come driving by in starwars masks.... Oh the memories. Why was today such an awful school day. Things were just bad. Like gym class. Darling, I love you, but I really need you to understand that I'm confused about this. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I don't even want to think about conclusions. Please. Please. Please. You don't know how much I don't want that. I'll explain tomorrow if you'd like...I hope you'll understand. And lunch. I don't like talking about abortion. I just feel weird. I wish the world had morals. I may have more respect for it if it did. I honestly wish I simply had respect for more than...idk...five people? The thought of it is what caused me to leave the band room so early. A change of scenery. A change of topic. Anything. Anything...and yet nothing at all. |
