welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
I burn burn like a wicker cabinet, chalk white and oh so frail, I see our time has gotten stale. The tick-tock of the clock is painful, all sane and logical (I wanna tear it off the wall) I hear words in clips and phrases, I think sick like ginger ale, My stomach turns and I exhale. -Eve 6; Inside Out. Totally sums it up for '09. Honestly? 2009 was the best and the worst year ever. All time highs and all time lows. Best part? I got my perfect fall that I always wanted. Fall was great. Winter's looking cold and painful, but fall was really nice. Everything kinda tipped over the edge in December, and I don't know why. I won't know why probably. But it's okay, I'm going to try to forget about it. I've progressed nicely in school. Not exactly at the top, but I haven't bombed a math test in awhile. I think my music library has doubled this year thanks to some special people :) Thanks guys. The span of summer was really great. And warped tour? Amazing x3. I can't say I swam more than once or got any color in my pasty white face, but I smiled a lot. And when school started again, school sucked, but I still smiled. I didn't really think being that happy was humanly possible. But I guess it was. I didn't realize how much it effected me until now. Thanks for the ride. I figured I'd start the year off by getting an external hard drive and not storing all my music on flash drives. My new year's resolution is to be happier, and having music makes me smile. So, let's give happy a chance again.
And it's cold...which means I can't go anywhere without bothering someone else. I hate bothering people. But I really hate having no purpose what so ever. I'm bored. I've learned too many songs on the piano. Listened to too many songs. It's the only thing I can think to do. I hate it. I'm bored. I'm really bored.
Emerging from the gentle grip of night's unfolding arms Darkness, darkness everywhere, do you feel all alone? The subtle grace of gravity, the heavy weight of stone You don't see what you possess, a beauty calm and clear It floods the sky and blurs the darkness like a chandelier All the light that you possess is skewed by lakes and seas The shattered surface, so imperfect, is all that you believe I will bring a mirror, so silver, so exact So precise and so pristine, a perfect pane of glass I will set the mirror up to face the blackened sky So you can see your beauty every moment that you ris" -The Hush Sound
Because I don't understand it. I wish for change. Another vacation, another sit around and do nothing week. Sigh. I need a social life. Maybe next year... I don't like this cycle. I want to have fun. I want to be happy.
Glad you didn't die or anything though :P. I saw a cool Polish video today in church...it was really powerful. I couldn't tell you the name of it, and explaining what it's about would just ruin the quality. Good film. It's like art. No special effects, just a powerful message conveyed through images. Yes, darling, I know this is quite pathetic, to get so wrapped up in artful things. But I must say, I'm hopelessly devoted to them, and for some reason I can't stop. It's like an addiction to menthol, it's not necessarily detrimental, but it's still an addiction. I wish my words had the power to make people forget more often. To allow people that three seconds of absorbed thought. That 'wow' feeling you get every once in a while. Not to have me remembered, but my voice. Like, the words that make you feel funny. When I read, if I ever come across a line examining how your heart moves, such as 'my heart sank,' the feeling clicks. Beyond clicks. The human mind is funny in it's clicking moments. I'm feeling too deep...but that's okay. I think that I've have a lot fewer 'perfect moments' this month. December hates me. December hates me a lot. Which is unfortunate, because that's when break is, which means less perfect moments. I pray that changes. I pray for clarity and wisdom, daily. I pray for something...anything. Dare I actually say that words but: I'm bored.
I looked up a bunch of their stuff today...I like it. I like it a lot. Just another reason I have to go to Soulfest I suppose. Aug 9th :) "Be Still and Breath." I'm so sleepy still, we're leaving tomorrow. Should be...interesting. Rain, and barely any travelers..it'll be Christmas day after all. Then we'll order a pizza or chicken tenders and watch Spongebob and laugh about all the ridiculous stuff that went on. Then, on Saturday, we'll have half of Christmas. And on Sunday, we'll go to church and have Christmas dinner. Oh, how I miss church. Child, you're ridiculous. Thanks for the comic relief.
"Why would he do that out of the blue? I bet he misses you." "I bet you kicked him the but to get up and do something." -I don't know guys...I think he just doesn't want to look like a jerk. There's just so many unknowns. Should I bother getting them answered though? The list grows but...I don't know. Getting that yesterday just kinda killed me. Perhaps it was timing again, only it was bad timing this time. Because I don't have that, I feel like I'm using someone else. I know I'm not, but it just feels so ridiculously wrong. Last night? No, I can't say I'd care where we'd go or what we'd do...but not for those reasons. I don't feel that way. And it feels awful. But, I still don't know what to do with myself. I'd love to just stay in Tennessee if it was quieter. I'll write about my experiences yesterday, in full, down on paper. I don't want to feel like an awful person anymore than I have already.
-Shxt. I hate how everything for my classes is due next week too. Oh well...it could be worse. It could not be almost vacation...though I'd prefer just vacation at this time. Mm...I miss sleep quite terribly. Maybe not sleep, per say, but a deep sleep. I miss my good dreams. Lasts night's was just so...not nightmarish but bizarre. I don't know...it was weird. I want a deep, good dreaming sleep. I'd like answers too. That'd be cool. I don't like when people ask me what I'd like for Christmas. I've told a few people what I'd really want...and it'd honestly take five minutes. Please?
I wish i could enjoy Wednesdays again :/.
They're ever so entertaining. Sure, I hate preparing for them, and I even hate their inconvenient timing. But honestly, I love concerts. I probably couldn't tell you why...I can't very well explain why I like anything. People, certain classes, songs. Well, I know songs just give me a feeling...even that I can't explain. Feelings are weird. Oddly powerful. Severely potent. Seemingly cyclical.
"I have a class." -How I lied to Mr. Sandford. a)-Music theory shouldn't be considered a class b)-I had a free mod...it's concert week, duhh. Guess I'll read that chocolate thing eventually... And guess what? I loved my free mod. Sure...it wasn't anything really besides fixing risers, but it was fun. I miss stuff like that. It seems so stupid. Just doing something productive, though not graded, with enjoyable people... I miss it. Not like we really did anything productive before. You were just fun. I don't know..pointless in all regards, but fun. I don't really like the level four bubble. Sure, everyone's smart. But they take things way to seriously. I don't like seriousness usually. I like listening though. Listening...laughing and smiling is pretty fun too. I could do those things for awhile and be very very happy.
My stop date is January 31st, after our last go around. I'm so done with this. It's disgusting how much it's affected my mind. My judgment. My ego. I didn't know I had an ego. I don't want one. I need to stop. The End.
Some of them are more than noteworthy. Some were never truly followed through, but seemed to have the best intentions. Some made me cry. Some just made me smile. I don't know...humans are funny species. It's like they say things every so often the reveal something almost unlike them. I don't know. Those moments just amuse me. Tomorrow will be okay. I hate practice, but that's fine. I'll deal. We sure as hell had better not match :P
-Regina Spektor Something about this day was just so empty. It really did end pretty perfectly, didn't it? I guess it did. "Screaming nobility." Thank you. I'll have to show you your song Saturday. "They want to watch, to watch each other sleep." Fancis Bacon-x3
-Remy Zero. "I miss my perfect fall. But, seasons change" -Hush love. Talk about timing. Why has nothing good come out of December thus far? I don't want to go to Tennessee... I really don't. I really really don't want to get on a plane and miss school. I just wanted to make it to Christmas break. I just wanted to finish this year okay. I just want everything to be okay. Why can't everything just stay okay? Well...I got all my World History Homework done. Great. I miss you, darling. What happened?
I appreciate it. So, I don't remember if I mentioned that I cried reading Of Mice and Men yet. It reminded my so so so much of Sami. Having to watch her and such. The thing that might have hit me hardest was either: 1)-The direct relationship to Sami in chapter 6 or 2)-My fear of turning into George. Fear? Well George is a perfectly capable person that could probably have gotten off just find without Lennie. It's pretty much my families biggest fear to deal with Sami for the rest of our lives. For me, that means quite a few things: a)-My loft will include a room for an autistic diabetic. b)-Marriage? I can't put someone through all that. c)-Light at the end of the tunnel disappears after college It's that just neat? Perhaps pessimistic...but the child screams at me when I even mention leaving the house someday. Which I am...as soon as I can might I add. The house is choking me.
I love feeling incompetent and useless. I hate the level four bubble. It never seems to be very fun for me... It doesn't even matter if I have friends in them...they act differently. I'm doing fine in school, that's not the problem. I have nothing to look forward to...for anything... Why don't I have anything to look forward too? Why can't I have something to look forward too? Is that selfish? Perhaps this seems like I'm wining. I don't feel that I am... I'm just waiting for something else to happen. Something...anything... Absolutely anything that could possibly make my life slightly more entertaining. Please?
I'm going to take AP World History I've decided. What's the point of getting more than halfway through at this point anyways? Mights as well try for some cheap college credits. Gym, I'm afraid, will have to wait :p. So my bag is absolutely falling apart? "Use you're Christmas money for a new one" -Guess my memory is going to have to wait. I feel like practice Sunday is going to be awful. I don't know why...it just always is. I should probably finish that album...maybe it'd give me an excuse to quit :/. Not exactly a good reason for staying now anyways. Motion City Soundtrack is coming out with a new album. And so are a bunch of other bands. Ah. I love music. Dear and the Headlights has most been "speaking to me" if you will though. I don't know...it just feels real.
Don't want to let you down I'd rather let you fall apart And so you back off A bit less obvious Oh you forgot I called Don't take it personal personal honey I know you've just been busy or You need to be alone Well you can call me when you're bored I'll sing a song low Over the telephone In lower decibels so you can hear it and hear it and hear it and hear it " -Dear & The Headlights I'm tired...and bored, dare I say it. Kinda wish I had some degree of a life... All I've done this weekend is childcare and sleep. Kinda want to cry. Oh well.
Unfortunate, but highly expected of course. Mm, oh well. Someday. Everything's been alright so far... So far so good I suppose. I'm surviving. Well...kinda. Definitely in one of those well-it's-going kinda feelings. But it's okay. And that's all that matters is that it's okay. I just hope that the change doesn't go too far downhill. Why? Fear of missing it. My insides feel silly.
Or getting high. The kinda thrill that could just kill ya It's like I'm eye-to eye while i ooo I don't know what to tell ya There's just this thing about 'cha." -Ok Go; WTF? They can be such the guilty pleasure, can they not? Ahh...that music video (: Very good day of catching up and such. I'm missed you darling (:
Yeah everything is alright. Oh please tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright. Give me a reason to end this discussion, To break with tradition. To fold and divide. Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks and airplanes, Talking with strangers, waiting in line.. I'm through with these pills that make me sit still. "Are you feeling fine?" Yes, I feel just fine. Tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright. Oh please tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright. I'm sick of the things I do when I'm nervous Like cleaning the oven or checking my tires Or counting the number of tiles in the ceiling.. Head for the hills, the kitchen's on fire! I used to rely on self-medication, I guess I still do that from time to time. But I'm getting better at fighting the future, "Someday you'll be fine.." Yes, I'll be just fine. Tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright. Oh please tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright. Give me a reason (I don't believe a word) To end this discussion (of anything I've heard) To break with tradition (they tell me that it's not so hard) To fold and divide (it's not so hard) So let's not get carried (away with everything) Away with the process (from here to in-between) of elimination (the long goodbye) I don't want to waste your time. Tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright. Oh please tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright. (Alright) Tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great) Yeah everything is alright. (Everything's fine) Oh please tell me that you're alright, (Hi, everything's great) Yeah everything is alright. (Everything's fine)" -Such an amazing song for today :). I love how my thoughts came together today during Mod A writing my response paper. There were so many true statements in the thing...and just reading it over again made me realize that my head was always on straight...I just had to find it. And yes, I have it back on now. Today was very very good. Thanks :) "She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom!" -Hawthorne
Those pieces of information that can become nearly set in stone for everyone else, but perhaps to you it turns into denial. Those little indisputable facts that on may not be aware of can cause some lovely problems. If all these facts were so set in stone, I suppose there would be less problems? But it's opinions that come into play. I must say, I'm an opinion person a good portion of the time, but they're fed from facts. But what seems to be a reoccurring pattern is considering facts on items that should be simply opinion. Like...feelings and such. I find it difficult to understand why someone is angry, because most always, there is a logical reason. But what if there's not? Happy even. People can make people happy, sure, but people can tear people apart too. Mm, I don't know, just rambling. Tomorrow's Wednesday (: |
