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Meow.
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Tomorrow is filled with review and guitar playing. The worst and the best thing I could be doing with my time. I'm halfway through the editing of the Bio packet and I am done. I hope to be done before noon, so I can take the girls to the movies. <3 No late nights tomorrow. None at all. Chem is done. English is done. APUSH is done. Math is...well. It's to the point where I can pretend I did stuff on it. APBio is so so close. I'll finish. It'll feel so great. And then I'll get a C+ on it, with my luck. I think it's right...not my fault you're asking me over the summer. I miss phone calls. :) Goodnight.
"When you were here before, Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry You float like a feather In a beautiful world I wish I was special You're so fuckin' special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul I want you to notice when I'm not around You're so fuckin' special I wish I was special But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh She's running out again She's running out She run run run run... run... run... Whatever makes you happy Whatever you want You're so fuckin' special I wish I was special But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here I don't belong here..."
Sigh. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Feeling neglected. Or ignored. Or forgotten about. That's a complicated situation. Or feeling like the only thing you have the strength to do is sleep. That's terrible. The things I think when I'm tired. You know what I want? Sustainability. Sensitivity. Honesty. Durability. Competentness. Affectionate. Funny qualities in anyone. Rare to find them all. I like people. "I look at you and...I'm home." -Dory <3
Silly, silly, girl. It could never be quite that simple. Helping at orientation tomorrow/doing school work/distracting myself. Fabulous. I miss July. I miss not school, actually. Yeah. I did stuff too. Night.
60 pages of a book, a paragraph, and some math and I am DONE. I'm...going to find a way to celebrate my accomplishments this weekend, I'm just not sure how. I would love some suggestions. I'm thinking about going to the beach for the sake of walking around the beach. Or going hiking for the sake of going hiking. Something that requires not a lot of prep work. Just some food, maybe extra clothes, and a car. Yeah...that would be nice, wouldn't it? Regradless, I'm happy about this. I'm determined to finish more Chem reading tonight. I should be done with everything by Friday... What's weird though? I feel kind of gloomy, school starting and all. Almost lonely? I don't know. It's just weird that this work has distracted me. From my sickly feeling, that is. I wish I knew where that came from. Dang insecurities. "Hate California, it's cold and it's damp, That's why the lady is a tramp."
The kind that sort of makes me feel like crying. But then I can't? And I haven't the slightest clue why I might have this hole in my stomach or lump in my throat. I just don't know. I know what I'd like to do with myself most of the time. I just can't get there...and knowing that makes it hurt. I guess it hurts a lot actualy. I wish it wouldn't. Sounds stupid, but I've always loved the feeling during a hug. I kinda wish I could feel that tight...embrace I guess? Often. It's pathetic. Pathetic. Again. Must be that time of the year again. Pathetic isn't so bad. It's just a lot worse this year. Stupid girl.
I'm kind of at a loss for words at this point, other than that I am beyond lucky/happy. Vacation was nice, especially Saturday evening. Now to catch up on sleep and school work. Yum. Day dreaming syndrome with surely ensue soon. Oh well. :)
Good God. You know it's bad when you think you can prove an AP text book wrong. Shame. Shame shame. So much for that freedom of education thing...
I don't like it very much, in fact. I think it's pretty lame. I'm so sick of being tired. And oh so tired of being sick. "I like birds. If you're small and on a search, I've got a feeder for you to perch on." -I Like Birds; Eels Where'd the happy go? I'm not so sure. It'll come back when it feels like it. Maybe. "Well I like...birds." I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. I must be sick. Stress is back. Yum. I freaking love school.
Awful day. Terrible day. I'm going to rant a bit now if you don't mind. And if you do, well, it's your choice to read it. Woke up at seven. Massive headache. Went to church to entertain 4 and 5 year olds for five hours. Come home. Exhausted. Too tired to think. But I can't sleep. Lying awake in a pitch black room trying to fall asleep for an hour. I feel like I barely ate anything. I miss you. Some people bother me a lot. I can't fathom going back to my studies in AP Bio because I don't buy Darwinism. Sigh. Okay. Good things. There were good things. Solving a Rubik's Cube, no matter how silly, made me feel better. I got to talk to people today I feel like I haven't had a real conversation with in months. I'm one day closer to going up north :). I took a walk. The cool breeze outside my window is breath-taking. Looking at pictures from SYMS made me smile. Gosh I'm tired. Tomorrow holds: 1)-Chinese :P 2)-Economics :P 3)-AP Biology :P 4)-Playing piano :) 5)-Taking a walk :) 6)-One more day marked off the calender. :D! Yeah. I just need some rest.
当然可以。 I love having a little bit of Chinese super powers. :) 我爱你！ Yeah. It's kinda fun. Because there are no cognates in Chinese. But! There's little to no grammar. Which is fabulous for me. 很高兴认识你。 Ahh...the little things in life. I'm very 高 to say that I have learned how to play Moondance on the keys. Not like it's reallyyy that difficult of a song...I'm just a terrible player. I'm thinking about pulling out some of the weird Italian pieces that I used to have to sing and learn those. Why? Because the piano stuff seems...doable? I don't know. I'd just like to get better I guess. For guitar, I have no idea what to do. Maybe just keep learning theory, I don't know. Oh whatever. Before the week is out, I'd like to finish my Economics class and get ahead on Chinese and get half my Biology packet done. Bleh. "Are you depressed?" "Why should I be?" "Because you're doing so much school." -Yeah...I guess. No, not i guess, I know. What ever. You know what's cool? Phone conversations. Those are cool.
I figured this would be enough. <3 Goodnight.
Actually. It's not a balance at all. It's just...neutral. Which is fine, but I'd prefer to just be fabulously happy. But really, which in their right mind wouldn't? Who in their wrong mind wouldn't? I don't know. Some depressed, drama addict. "SO AWKWARD." -I'm sorry sweetie. Give me like...six months.
I need to just shut my phone off for a bit. But of course, that would turn into a pretty bad, but productive, day. Luckily, I have finished 4 out of 5 of my books. Which is fabulous. I plan on doing the bio packet this week/finish economics. Bleh. I'll be so happy when I'm done with that silly class. Economics would have been far worse at school though, or so I've convinced myself. Like, a huge group project and paper? Or an hour of work every week? Yeah. Thank you. I picked the nice move. Which was take music theory instead. Best thing I ever did? Yes. :) I love theory. Totally hope it works into my schedule next year. Sadness with ensue otherwise...sigh, no more sad. I like happy. I'm really excited for fall to come. That means long walks in sweet smelling forests, Brisk air, perfect for a sweatshirt, Sitting, smiling, contemplating. Oh, and this crazy peaceful feeling. I don't understand what it is about the fall, but everything just feels so perfect then. And I know it's not...but it feels that way. And I love it. And and and...I don't know. I think this one will be exceptionally good. "Hey, I'd love to find you excuses to go up north more!" -I love my mother. :) So so so much. A good little cry never did anyone harm. Listen to a little music in minor keys. Some songs just kill me. A lot. What a cute little mess I can turn into. I can't finish my Rubik's cube tonight. Pity.
-You, Me, and Everyone We Know
Jetlag+ sun+slight amounts of stress=headaches. Mm...oh well. All is not lost. "Let it go this too shall pass." -Ok Go :) Oh how I adore them. :) Such a fabulous show that was. I know, I talk about it way too much. But hey, it was good. My brain has been a cute little puddle of goo for awhile now. It's...not the greatest, but it gives the most fantastic little highs. I still can't stop thinking about that one Friday night at the dance. Just so happy making. :).
I knew after being back from two weeks away, I would want to shoot my family. I just didn't think I'd want to do it so badly. :) I love them so so so far beyond much, it's just a very different habitat to be living in. A what? Habitat? Yeah. It's not like I don't enjoy it, it's just repetitive. And I never noticed all the whining. I don't like it. But there's nothing to really do about it. Oh well. Regardless, leaving on a plane alone always makes me good. Like, hey, I'm thousands of miles away from anyone I know very well. It's like...a true sense of being alone. At least, a better sense than having people yell at me from the bottom of the stairs up to my room. Yeah. Much better. Remember when I said I was going to pack today? That was funny, because I still have yet to start. Damn you procrastination. I think you are beyond cool. :). The End. Signing off.
I can't be anymore direct with you without exploding. I'm trying to be nice and polite. Honestly. TRY to understand. Good God. I don't understand how so much drama can be accumulated after two weeks. Two little weeks. If I was a Hindu, I'd call it karma. But I guess people don't know how that really works anyways. Silly family. <3 So so so so so so so so so much school work. Three more books. Two and a half more packets. Bleh. Someone tell me it'll be worth it. Hey, maybe the apocalypse will come a year early? "In the Bible, it was written as an eye for an eye." -No, magazine article, actually. That was Hammurabi's Code. I really like pointing out historical inaccuracies. :D! |
