welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
I freaking love my life sometimes. Such a strange week. I really want to just sleep in on Saturday. I feel so sick. It's pathetic. And my eyes hurt? "It'd be so awful if not for my glasses and hair." A very strange week. I've been extremely happy and quite frustrated. I've been wide awake and half asleep. Hot and Cold. I really hope stuff...evens out. Cause I don't like these swings. I prefer sitting on a bridge to swinging most days anyways. That fall walk? Still have to do that.
The End.
I'm curious as to how some people's minds work. Because they're obviously not like mine in the least. Genetics become a lot more complicated when looking at personalities. What makes some people really temperamental and some not? Why does annoying have a different definition for everyone? Why are you mad? Why did you drop me? People are funny specimens. I don't understand. This year is progressively getting better, Which is good, because it was looking awful at first. It just hurts to see that not even a month has passed. Dear God, let this be kind of worth it. I'm so awful to myself. But that's okay. I hate being an honors kid. "And that was the day that I promised, I'd never sing of love if it does not exist."
Oh my goodness. Love. :D! Why? I can't say. Don't ask. I love dancing and singing to stuff like this. Must make a note to see them in concert. It's really terrifying, all the stuff I find in the back of my closet when I'm too stubborn to do laundry. I have clothes that are 4-5 years old. Which is cool. I mean, it's not TOTALLY destroyed. I'm just getting my money's worth, right? Hey, at least I wear it. Please don't be rude. I know you don't mean to, but it's happening. Oh arrogance masking confidence. Isn't it always the case? Silly.
Until the day breaks Apathy and Heartache You're lying awake" Cute. I'm not sure exactly how to respond to such things as that. Like, I'm half surprised, half thinking I'm being lied to. But I suppose that doesn't matter. People lie all the time. Right? Unfortunately. I kind of reallyyy want cooler weather. So I can take that long pretty walk. Stupid summer. Go away. I don't like you.
The 80s. Weird phase going on right now. It'll last the weekend, no worries. But I mean, it's getting bad. I'm considering buying some of it? I can't...not yet. We'll see what happens. And I really like Peggy Lee a lot. Because she gives me a different perspective on awesome jazz singers. She looks different, like she shouldn't have such a rich, seductive voice. But she does. Ahh. Jazz. Like Fever? I get chills. But I always get chills with that one. Oh goodness. But more with Black Coffee. I'll stop rambling about her. I haven't cleaned my room in so long. It's gross. I'd do it this weekend...but...nahh... I never do anything on the weekends, everrr. Typical. But then when I do have plans I don't like them? Strange. I'd say I need a happy medium. But I'm pretty content. Relatively speaking. Just let me listen to my iPod. That's All.
I have a really lame one page that I'm throwing away. But hey, it only took me ten minutes to throw together. Which means it'll only take me 15 to write again. Wonderful. Facebook was down today. Which I found amusing. Just because it was. No real reason. I'm a little worried for my math test tomorrow. We'll see what happens. I want to have a good weekend. I hope it cools down. I still really want that walk.
But a little something shallow wouldn't hurt right now.
If I can make this night light enough to move." I wish I didn't make some people so angry so easily. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It didn't seem that big to me, but I guess it's important to you. I want to go for a walk quite badly. Just a walk. With anyone, I couldn't really care who. Just some other random person so I didn't look so silly. So that silence would become more meaningful, So that a breeze would be more serene. Just that stuff that makes you want to come home, Crawl into a blanket, Smile, And sleep for years. I love fall. It's crisp and beautiful. So beautiful. I really want to go for a lot of walks then. Take me with you sometime? Promise? Don't let me down like everyone else.
Because that would make learning it a lot easier I think. Cause I just don't care right now. If U.S. History wasn't required, I wouldn't take it. I WANT to take music and science. And that's it. But no. We need English classes. These silly requirements are pretty futile if you ask me. Because I don't want to take world lit. But I'm going to. I hate this. I hate school. I hate school. I hate school. I feel like I have no work and a lot of work at the same time. I miss my guitar. ): My nails are long because I haven't played in so long. I want that back. I want my piano back. I want to actually, like, progress. I know I should get lessons, but I'm so not wanting to go back to ground zero. There are a lott of things I should get lessons for. Like singing worth a damn, Buttt....stubborn. And more apt to spend money on CDs. Yeah, that's sounds about right. What is this Skype thing? I got one just because...and it's sitting there. I think I'll just uninstall it sometime next year. Cool. Procrastination at it's best.
Regardless, a to do list: -Bio Review packet -APUSH outline -Chinese midterm -Economics chart/final -Pull out this thing called a guitar? -A piano, what? I want one. Wait... I miss practicing music. :P Stupid classes. No, stupid school. Buttt...I've officially spent too much money on music. Three CDs in two days would be fine if I had, like, a steady income. But hey. The Ting Tings was important for a mood booster. And it's for the flashdrive. Yeah, that's it. Next year. You're going to have a problem. Just saying. I'm guessing, of course. If this doesn't change, it's most certainly the case. "Ten minutes to go, and she should have gone home." -Keep Your Head
"Yeah, maybe it's not so bad."
At least, I think I'm done. I can't really be sure. But I was never really sure to begin with, So, what could go wrong that hasn't already? Hush. Just...don't mention it. I'm sure you'll forget sooner than I would. Strange couple of days. Tomorrow will be wonderful. Sleep in, finish up an online class, then go have fun. What a concept. I like going out and doing stuff with human beings. I don't take the contact for granted, But I feel like other people do. Which is fine. It just makes me enjoy talking more than they do. Vocalists are weird, aren't they? Kind of annoying. Stupid vocalist. I smiled a lot today. Thank you. (:
I have such a soft spot for obnoxious things to learn. Like Chinese. I think it's SO COOL. But at the same time...I kind of dread recording anything. But I really like being about to understand some of the characters. It's not hard to understand, it just takes some time. And because it's interesting, I'm willing to put it in. But...it's not like I want to waste all my time on school. I just don't have many other places to waste it. Eight assignments and I can call myself done finally. And then I take a month off. And then I take Chinese 1 semester 2 and SAT prep. Wonderful. I am so very highly curious. Something is going to happen, probably soon, To mix things up a bit. There's too many stagnant relationships or situations, so for something not to change? I don't know. I just couldn't think of it otherwise. And I really want something to happen. I'm praying it happens. Because I'm bored, and when I'm bored, earthquakes happen. Hope it's not too painful. "I was getting lost, I was getting so lost, Through the storms, with rain in my face." -Person L; Storms
And CDs for me. And CDs for gifts that I expect copies of. I'm an awful person. (: I think people are funny. Like, the people that loveee to play music, but refuse to listen to it. I love listening to it. If there was a job out there where I could just listen to music... I'd be there. In a heartbeat. All kinds of music. Anything. Yes, I love playing music and performing. But sometimes I'm too tired or frustrated to. I'm never too tired or frustrated to listen to music. To dance or harmonize...or to just sit there. "My brother knows you as 'she who always has headphones'" Yes. And I'm glad. It'll stay like that for a very long time. "You don't have cool games on your iPod." That's because I use it to listen to music, Just like you're supposed to use the telephone to talk to people, Not send them short little fragments of text. ...But I don't know where this came from. Anyways, day off+little homework+lots of music. Sorry, but very little could make it much better. Try to make it better? Nahh. Not worth it.
(Yes Olivia, obviously. Why are you so stupid all the time.) I woke up disgustingly turned off this morning. All done. I've been so terrible to myself lately. I'm going to go be selfish for a little bit. I'm in striking distance of finishing up my courses online. But I'm freaking lazy. Yes. Like, I'm trying to get out of doing a couple of assignments due to my average. Stupid. I hate it. But there are things I hate more. Like U.S. history. Cool. I think I'd like to live up North because it's colder. I like cold weather. I mean, I don't like cold hearted people. But I do like the weather. Makes sleep so much more satisfying. It makes little things seem like a bigger deal. I don't know. I just like it a lot. Fall, where are you? I need something to save me from this mess I got myself into. Thank you. With love, Olivia
"Dropped"-Phantom Planet. I went questing for bugs today with the Lead Barker. I like chasing butterflies. A lot. I feel like I'm five again. I like the idea of being five. I feel like a five year old for a lot of reasons. I'm immature when it comes to things that "matter" to most people. I love dancing. And singing horribly. For long periods of time. I'm stupid. Anyone that I talk to seems to be so much more intelligent. I don't care about big things. I care about little obnoxious things. I ask for Disney soundtracks for my birthday. If I'm forced to marry, I want to marry Aladdin. I don't want kids. Ever. I'm scarred of silly things, but still love surprises. Surprises? Like that unexpected kiss on the cheek. Which I guess wouldn't be a surprise if I said I'd want it, would it? Hmm. I'm jealous. Not in a, I want to ruin your life way. Just...in an admirable way. Does that make sense? Maybe I'll explain it over copies.
I'm so distracted by it. There's so much to be done, But I can't do it. I just wander. The school day is fine, until I have a mod off to do nothing. I really miss it. I really really miss it. And it's the most pathetic thing in the world. I hate it. I shouldn't miss it. But I do. And there's no changing it. Until next year, maybe. Perhaps a birthday hello? Something? Anything? Something that says it wasn't terrible. Because now, I think I've done something wrong again. There is no drama, and yet my mind is wrapped up in something that might as well be that. I obviously need a distraction. Oh the times when I wish I could play music that was worth a damn.
In reality, I haven't had much homework at all. But I still feel overwhelmed? A better support structure might help. I feel like I lost, gained back, and lost that this summer. I don't know. It's a lot of curious stuff. But luckily, with keeping busy, my mind doesn't wander quite so much. Which is comforting, seeing as where my mind has flown to before. Make excuses. Move on. Laugh it off. Move on. I like the idea, but easier said than done. Am I lying to myself? No. Because I couldn't really know otherwise. So. It's all good. This weekend I'm excited to not be at my house, even for just a little while. I'm really tired of not having a kitchen. Makes it very difficult to eat. Which is lame. Yeah. I love when people make me smile, Even if it's about stupid stuff. Actually, I think the stupid stuff is more fun. Like the fail of a US History class we are, Or the side conversations in the hallways. Something, anything, to make it seem more like friends, and less like colligues. I got a call and two texts about homework today. I sent messages back and forth from Colorado about SYMS. And why does everyone think it's strange to miss it so much? I'd be more than okay with wandering alone under those trees again. Until someone calls or randomly finds me, of course. But the newish place? Makes me feel lost. More like free I guess. That's beautiful.
It just depresses me. I will be irritated tomorrow. Because I'll have a lot of homework/editing. And I'll be out late. Which means I can't go to sleep as early as I'd like. Is it Friday yet? Please?
I wish I wasn't terrified of voicing my opinions sometimes. Because I'm pretty sure that's the only reason I want to be unnoticed. I wish that I could actually say what I pleased. But I can't, because it's not correct in anyway. Politically, grammatically, or, in the world's view, morally. I love talking to people. But I'm terrified to start a conversation because I'll say something wrong. I'm intimidated by you. Reason #37 why I can't get married.
And then I assume. And then I step back to where I was near this time last year. And then I think I need to rethink everything. And then I end up beating myself up. And then I have to heal again. But it's never anyone else that hurts me. No one ever hurts me. I hurt me. And it's a terrible little fact. Sometimes I think that school is just a distraction for me hurting myself. Which is why I do it during vacation. I need to get out more, don't I?
I don't understand. Last year started out beautifully. Now, I just feel like I've fallen on my face, and I haven't even done anything. I do nothing. At all. And I still want to cry. :S. Gahh. Stress? Maybe. Loneliness? I'm not sure. Bored of the same old song and dance? Probably. I think I'm just sick of everyone's whining, and it's making me whine. A lot. It's terrible. I feel selfish for wanting to talk to someone who isn't selfish. Who doesn't exist. It's awful, really. I don't really understand it. I wish I wasn't so damn selfish sometimes. I need some new music or something... This is going to be one hell of a long year. Something amazing had better happen, Or I just might die.
But I did Bio this evening. So the weekend holds U.S. History, Chem, Math and British Authors. Fabulous. But hey, no drama seems to be ensuing yet. Yet. I know it won't stay that way, no matter how invisible I am. Oh good golly gosh I dislike school ever so much. I wish I could stay out of the way sometimes. Just hide, do my thing, not get noticed by people. Not that I'm really noticed now, which I like. It just gets weird when people think they "discover" me. I'd say, "Hey, you don't know who I am," but I'm not that deep. I'm not a shallow person, just straight forward. Weird. Ranting. Sleep? Yes.
And you know what? It's fantastic. Because nothing is keeping me up to two in the morning. I very much believe I need this rest to endure tomorrow. How cheesy is that? Tomorrow will be better. Everything will flow. "Tell me that you're alright, Yeah everything is alright." I feel like my mind is too engrossed with...thoughts. Certainly a problem in my shoes. School will certainly fix that. Certainly? Certainly. "Take it slow, take it easy on me, Shed some light, shed some light on me please."
Thank you notes to people that make an impact on me. -Thank you for living with me for two weeks. I love to be able to talk to you now. -Thank you for dealing with my thought process. -Thank you for helping me pass Biology. -Thank you for giving me an opportunity to play. -Thank you for being the first person to play for me when I ask them too. -Thank you for making me feel special, even if it was just for a little. -Thank you for having conversations with me. -Thank you for being real with me. -Thank you for letting me let go. -Thank you for dancing with me. -Thank you for kissing me. -Thank you for making me feel awkward. -Thank you for making me feel not alone. Good summer? Good summer. It kind of came cannonballing down near the end, But it was so very worth it. And again, Thank You. |
