welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
It's terrifying. Absolutely terrifying. There's just something about floor length dresses that get to me. <3
Bare with me for a few seconds. Can you call me? I miss you. I miss you a lot. And it sounds stupid, because I see you nearly dally. But I want to actually talk to you again. It's only been a week, but I do miss it a lot. You have a huge effect on me. And it's terrifying to me how much I care about you. So...yeah. I love you. Honest.
Stuck in my head all day. And I mean allll day. Strange day, overall. Some parts really low. Like this morning? Not sure what my issue was. Ended pretty okay, even if I was getting was too excited helping some girl do geometry. (Oh the memories of being called a whore and getting 47s on tests. <3) Then ended again pretty ehh. I don't know. It was just silly. I kind of don't mind walking to the music school. But I've only reallyyy walked once. I always seem to get abducted by someone. Which is fine. Kind of strange, but fine at the same time. I feel silly. And I feel mixed up. Which basically is the definition of silly...but that's okay. And my insides feel all...not completely working... Which is probably why I want a hug so badly, to like...hold it all together? That sounds pathetic. And silly. So I guess it works out okay. "Won't you come outside, love? Won't you come outside? Won't you please be mine, love? Won't you come outside? Won't you come outside, love? Won't you come outside? Won't you please be mine, love? Won't you come outside? Won't you come outside, love? Won't you come outside? Won't you please be mine, love? Won't you come outside?" Just this line. I love it so much for some reason. Mm, I don't know. Maybe it's just the way it fits in the song. Regardless. I think I'm going to be singing it all day tomorrow too.
Not this one as much. But I'm dreadingg Christmas. Why am I always so depressed then?! Blahh. It's horrid. I'm already dreading it and it's not even December. Help? Please? Maybe? I don't know.
And I read some of it. And I feel like shit after doing so. So...I won't do that again. Rather, I just added three or four pages of current stuff. Well. Maybe not THAT current. More like a synopsis of stuff from August on. That was vague. Oh well. My parents keep asking me what I want for Christmas. And I don't blame them, because I'm stubborn and typically don't tell them anything. Or, when I do, I talk myself out of wanting it. But it made me think, again, about what I want. I never wrote elaborate letters to Santa. Maybe I should have. Because I feel like hand written letters bring me to tears. Maybe excessive? Maybe. Regardless, I'd like one. Is it silly to want someone to sing you a song? I don't think it's THAT unreasonable. Because, hey, it's not expensive. It might take just a few minutes even. I just have always absolutely hated it when people refuse to sing for me because I'm "intimidating." ...Intimidating? You're kidding? Right? Please be. I'm really not that good. Seriously. Please just listen to Regina Spektor. You'll understand. I've made people cry when I sing them songs. I want to cry. That's horribly emo. ...good god, I'm selfish. :/. asdfghjkl; I don't deserve shit.
Beautiful. You know what else is nice? Home. And that slight upgrade in social interaction. Pathetic, but true. Is it bad that I'm so thankful for wifi? Probably. But I'm thankful for a lot of people. Honestly. To the point where I get really scarred not talking to them. Because I feel like maybe I did something wrong. I don't think I did. But something had to have happened, right? But it's okay. Just to have had them in my life for a short time is nice. I love people.
Which is fine. But disappointing. Curling up the fetal position and feeling better doesn't happen often. Conditions usually have to be met. Like what? Like clean blankets. Soft pillows. The occasional text message? But I don't get those anymore. Basically, I want to crawl in bed and go to sleep for my vacation. But can't. I never can, really. Maybe for Christmas.
Monday night. Never thought that one, out of all of them, would be so interesting. And wonderful, nevertheless. Mm, Biology test. Math test. Nothing of value in the others. Typical. Two days left. Then perhaps I'll get a decent amount of sleep. Maybe. We'll see what goes down. I can't seem to get enough rest anymore anyways. Silly life, always getting in the way. 300% increase. Very nice.
Needless to say, I didn't stay long. "I love you." "Really, JP?" "Yeah, I guess." -Four year olds. <3 "Crossed every desert, Swim every ocean we can find, Search for a gentle face that can heal this misfit's mind And in time, we'll believe, that there's a reason for everything." -Envy (waits, for those days, when it rains.); Daphne Loves Derby "Let's go find a roadside motel with a clerk who won't tell." -Ok Go; The Fix is In. Wasted pathetic weekend? Mostly. Next weekend will be similar? Probably. I really do need to find a way to change that.
I still really am turned off of everything school currently. It's so easy to coast and maintain decent grades. It's pathetic. I wish it wasn't. I'm so sick of being a pathetic individual. I'll see what I can do about that. Jr. Kids tomorrow=death=Hey. I didn't sleep this weekend. NO. Failure. More tired. Then come home and read and sing songs. Then a three day week. Then, Connecticut with that wonderful bird. Mm. And then home to do homework for the weekend. Then, the week with December in it starts. Weird. It kind of has been awhile, hasn't it? Which is strange. Because it really hasn't been that long, in retrospect. But it's long for me. Which makes me feel pathetic, again. It's not that I can't do it. It's that no one else wants to. Which is ridiculous. But okay at the same time. Pandora, you are so beautiful. How do you know exactly what to put in my ears? There's just too much music. I can't decide what I want.
Like birthdays that are not their own. It kind of means a lot more that way. So yeah. Thanks. :) "She seems weird." -But she's the nicest girl in the world. But you wouldn't know because you're too caught up in your own thing to talk to people that are even a little different than you. I love people who are willing to love me back. I mean. Obviously I have some preference when it comes to that. But really. Really really really. Really. And I feel like if boundaries aren't pushed, they will be particularly difficult to find. So, would it mean not being good? Well, not necessarily. It could be good 'not so good'. Actually, it could be beyond fantastic. No one's made me quite so comfortable before. Ever so comfortable. And ever so sweet. (Early November reference intended.) So maybe next time. Whenever next time happens. Which could be in a couple days or a couple weeks. I have the ability to wait for such things if I have to. And I'm more than okay with it. And I recorded a rough...thing. Really rough. Like. I don't even know what's happening with it. But we'll see, I guess.
I really wish I didn't feel like sleeping all the time. Because it makes me feel pathetic lazy and just plain apathetic about everything. But I'm most certainly not apathetic all the time. I'm really not. And it struck me that something that uncontrollable could make her stop loving, Because to me it seems that it should be the opposite. Life does happen, for the record, so there's really nothing to do about it. People do things. People work. People go to school. People sleep, sometimes. People don't just sit around. And good people don't smother others. So it honestly is okay. It makes it that much more worth it later, actually. How do you appreciate something that has no life but to serve you? That's horrible. Character is a good thing. And, for the record, I would never want to have it any other way. And I love you. But I've already mentioned that.
Isn't that horrible? I think it's horrible. It's awful because I don't feel like I can think or do anything. I just want to curl up into a little ball. And I feel awfully warm. I really hope I'm not sick. I might just want to die if that's the case. Because there are debts that need to be paid. And that probably isn't the smartest thing to do when you're sick. It'll be so worth it.
It's controversial. Which is cool. Because that means there's enough there to write 12 pages on. Which is also cool, considering I'll have to do that eventually. Wonderful. Hoping this day turns out nicely in the head. I only have a slightly huge headache. It's common. Every time I sleep in later and then have coffee later. I take pain killers and caffeine. For some reason it doesn't help on Saturdays. I'll write something about it later. Mother dearest returns Sunday night. It would be really nice, I think, if we didn't leave for Thanksgiving. I get so stressed and tired and feel like I miss everything. Even more this year than last. And last I missed a lot. :/. Lame. Lame, lame, lame. LAME. But, hey, someday maybe it won't be quite so lame. Maybe someday things will be different. Maybe someday I won't have a caffeine addiction. Maybe someday I'll consider my iPod a toy rather than an IV. Maybe someday I'll tell people what's really going on. Maybe someday I'll verbally chew someone out, the way I do in letters that get shredder. Maybe someday I'll live alone. Maybe someday I'll get bored. Maybe someday I'll starve. Maybe someday everything will be completely and utterly alright. Alright. Alright. "I just love being in love." -Me too, Bette Midler/Rose, me too.
Not feeling this weekend. But it's okay I suppose. "Cause when hard work don't pay off and I'm tired there ain't no room in my bed, as far as I'm concerned so wipe that dirty smile off, please." Mm, I need to take off tomorrow. I'll think of something to do. Maybe walk. Maybe blast car speakers. Maybe drive up north? Probably not. But I bet the weather is cooler. I don't know why I've felt so strange lately. Just the idea of it being strange is...well, strange. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't know. It'll come eventually. You can't make time. You can try to make time. But you can't 'make time'. So, there's really no need to try for me. Honest.
strips me down bare and gets me into my favorite mood. I keep on trying, fighting these feelings away, but the more I do, the crazier I turn into." -Adele; Crazy for You Deliciously bluesy voice. <3 Love love love love love love. Why can't I have this kind of control over my voice? Or anything, really? Sighhh. I could just float away sometimes. (: Always, actually.
I'm over bring cold all the time. Cold and wet. It's gross. Quiet, but ever so cold. And the only thing the cold really makes me want to do is cuddle under blankets, which typically ends in my falling asleep, then either being woken up within two hours by a cell phone or mother. Regardless, I don't feel like doing anything in the cold. I need more responsibilities. Or something like that. I don't know. Let's see now. There seems to be a lot of Biology to be done, along with US History stuff and a British Author's poem to read. Beautiful. Bio, then BA, the US. Cool. Let's see what happens. Because daydreaming, no matter how cute and wonderful it is, doesn't add many productivity points. I'd love so much for this week to get going to I can have a weekend again. Even the day off, I suppose. Something tangibly good that I can hold on to wouldn't be awful either.
Because you're doing exactly what everyone else does. It's okay. I'm used to it now anyways. Okay. I really really really don't care what we do. Or where. Or even when most of the time. I don't care. I just want you to be there. My apologies for being so boring. Honestly. There are a lot of other, probably more productive, things you could be doing. So it means a lot when you make time for me. Honestly. Honestly. I love you. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. I can't say it enough. Ever. And I figure there's at least one person that hates me for that. And I'm horribly sorry for that. But there's not a lot I can do about it. Cell signaling-->hormones-->feelings It happens. Trust me. I'm taking a class on it. I'm feeling a good next weekend, too. I'm so damn spoiled. It's awful. And fyi: I'm seriously okay. Please stop asking me if I'm okay. Please stop worrying that I'm going to get "hurt." Please stop telling me what my future looks like. Please stop giving me advice when I don't ask for it. I'd say I appreciate it if it didn't happen so much. So just to clarify, one last time: 1)-I'm happier than I've ever been. 2)-I'm not stupid. Not a rocket-scientist, but I don't have to be. 3)-I'm okay. I'm way more than okay. 4)-I thought at one time that everyone kind of knew what I was like, but with the amount and content of questions I've been getting lately, maybe that's not the case. I guess it's not that important then, is it?
I'm not sure how else to explain it.
School is just...not that fun? Because honors kids can't really ever have fun, really. Yeah. I just used really twice there. Anyways, HATE school. But hey, it's almost the weekend again. Which always tends to bring something nice to look forward to in more ways than one. Mm. I just don't know sometimes. I need a walk. Tomorrow I'll do that.
Which is wonderful. |
