welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
Too bad! Letting you know anyways: "I could be brown I could be blue I could be violet sky I could be hurtful I could be purple I could be anything you like Gotta be green Gotta be mean Gotta be everything more Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door!" Sigh...oh goodness. (: I love that silly little group that I sat with in the '92 Volvo today. The type of people that leave you sitting on the floor in front of fye. For a half hour. Or when they order a Jr. Whopper...at McDonald's... I love them all? Beyond much? Very very very much yes. Do it again in a heartbeat? Probably half of one. Which I don't think is physically possible? But hey. Metaphorically speaking it's alrightt. Regardless, today was wonderful. Oh yay! I like people watching at the mall. Because every once in awhile you see the random pair of indie kids that are absolutely adorable. You just want to tell them to stop so you can photograph just how adorable they are. Which is super creepy? Yeah. But they're just sooooooo cute and I don't understand why. They already dress like people should stare. So making couples out of them just makes people stare twice as often. Potentially bad for them, good for foodcourt conversations. Poor indie couples. Oh, hey, I have a shit ton of homework for school? I know how I'm spending my New Years Eve...and a good portion of the day. I'll runaway. Somehow. Because hey, Starbucks is only ten minutes down the road. I'll finish it all...eventually. But I refuse to stop having fun. I've had too much fun the last couple days to make it stop now. Wanna know what I like? Not depression. Which is convenient, because I'm quite not depressed. Fabulous.
Just take me away with blood and bravery. I am the evergreen that breaks in the storm. Sing hallelujah I sold my soul to the darkening."
And what's cool? I only remember what was going through my mind in the happy ones. And apparently my New Years resolution was to be happier this year. I do believe I accomplished that. Oh my good golly gosh. <3
The silence is slowly killing me." -Still guilty pleasures. I shouldn't like that. Anyways. I'm frustrated. I shouldn't be, but I am. I don't know what more I have to do to get it out of you. I'm so confused. I feel stupid. I can't seem to shake it or hide it as well as you can. Help me. Please? I didn't think it would be a problem. Was it a problem? I don't freaking understand. But. Successful day? For sure. Successful one coming tomorrow? I most certainly hope so.
I guess I'm just rotten to the core then, hmm? Appreciate it.
Wanna know what I remember? Llamas. Flashbackkk. Anyways... I don't like the tone of voice coming from your mouth. It's scarring me. It makes me want to go back to school. Why are you so stressed out all of a sudden? I don't pray for a lot of things. But I pray for you. Cause I live with you. And it's bringing me down. Good day? Yes. Wake up late. Subway with Sami. Little bit of homework (okay, not as fun), and coffee, and conversation. As well as being convinced that the only way to be more confused after watching Inception is to watch half of it. Mind. Blown. Kind of. Honestly, good sir? I seriously missed you. Thank you for not being stupid and leaving forever. See? You're not stupid. Good job, kid. Good job.
Not gonna lie. I'm a little sketched out by the Celtic Women version of Beyond the Sea. Sketched. Out. Nightmarish? Very much so. I'm now a bit concerned about the amount of headaches I've been having. I take drugs, go to bed, wake up when it wears off, take more, go to bed, wears off, wake up, get coffee and more pain killers... It's getting a little ridiculous. I don't remember the last day I haven't had one. Or haven't carried around three ibuprofen in my pocket. Always. Basically the only reason I carry that silly backpack around some days. I do like feeling better, minus that, though. I also like spur of the moment plans. And talking to people I don't get a chance to at school. I kind of like having places to be. Maybe I should consider getting a job. Meh. Maybe not. It'll be on the to do list for next year. Today, I: -Shoveled. It's damn cold out. -Read a little bit of real book. A little bit of fake sparknotes. -Got some sources for Bio project. -Considered doing the British Authors outline. I'm going to start that tomorrow. Hopefully finish, too. -Got frustrated. Then got better. I want a place to wear these new dresses I got. I'm thinking of saving them for concerts. They're not the floor length red dress, But let's be real. That was over the top. Gorgeous? Yes. But still over the top. Tomorrow is going to be good. I don't know why. It's just going to be. "I need caffeine in my bloodstream. I take caffeine to the bloodstream." "Yeah I've got love handles, but I cannot handle love." ^I love that, haha.
There is no way in hell I'm doing homework with all this fun stuff to play with. Ridiculous. I. Am. In. Love. And again. I was questioned. No, actually, my answer is not wrong. It's quite correct. More so correct now than a month and a half ago maybe. But really. Still correct. Maybe you thought it was cute. Maybe you were happy for me. Maybe I appreciate you thinking these things. But yeah. It's not happening right now. Maybe I should just suck it up and put my relationship status on facebook. Because it seems that not listing it means your hiding something. I'm not saying I haven't withheld information from the public before. I do that everyday. I'm just really tired of people assuming things. And THEN asking me about it. And then giving me the "WHY? It was so perfect?" response. And then I get to dance around my reason for answering. It's bothersome. Quite bothersome. Especially when the dance around the answer is in and of it's self, an assumption. Something that makes logical sense that doesn't hurt either party, and if it did, it's mine that suffers a bit. But still. I'm not even entirely sure. It's like I'm digging myself into a giant hole. I really want to stop digging, but people keep throwing me shovels. Ha. I like that. Anyways... Lots of snow means lots of shoveling. My exercise for the winter. Fantastic. I made a to do list. There's way too much homework. And nothing else productive to focus my attention onto. Frustrating. But the three hour nap today made it better. I just want to feel better. I think I'm really good at getting used. I think I give more than I take. I think that maybe that should be something to change next year. Because I hate getting walked on. And I hate getting left because I can make it on my own. Yeah. I can handle it. But I'm selfish. I don't want to handle it by myself. But it's really hard to do that and not act like a bitch. Fabulous. Lighter notes. Lighter notes. Happier notes. -Didn't feel so absolutely abhorred at church today. Thank you for talking to me. I'm tired of getting glared at and scanned up and down and ignored by everyone else there. Thank you for acknowledging my existence. I loved talking to you, as usual. -Blizzard? I'm really excited to get snow, even if I still want fall back. At least you can tell it's winter. -There is so much awesome food in my house. -I have a pocket-watch necklace? Sweet. -My family is intact. Which is wonderful. -I don't deserve shit. And yet, I'm still somehow so blessed. That's Easter, isn't it. Yeah. -I put all my toy dinosaurs on my bookshelf. The room became instantly better. -I've had Such Great Heights, A Black Day in December, and Beyond the Sea stuck in my head at different times today. And I've been dancing and spinning. Sorry sweetheart. It's not your fault. Just a soft spot. People seem to hit it a lot. It's callusing. No worries. I'm going to regret this, aren't I? We'll find out soon enough. It's simple enough to make it go away without much trouble.
MIDI FINALLY works. Which is beautiful. Because it gives my beautiful piano more use. And my nice mic can get used. And my guitar. And ohmygoodness. Simply wonderful. And snow tomorrow evening? Oh please. That would be also quite wonderful. So long as I can leave the house Sunday afternoon or Tuesday... I still want a late night. It'll happen it'll happen. Happy. Staying happy. Not being depressed and such. Sigh. Silly vacations. Jr. Kids tomorrow. Long morning with four and five year olds. Worth it? Sure. Probably not. Still can't dance without getting lightheaded. I'm going to do it anyways. Christmas? Still a success.
Beautiful. Cleaned the room. Which is weird. But I'm going to be living in it more than usual. Recording software? So I can actually record things? That's pretty neat. I'm stoked. I'm also stoked at the vintage jewelry and 50's dress I got. So happy about silly little things. Even Kiki's Delivery Service on dvd. asdfghjkl; I don't deserve any of this. I successfully made my mother cry. This is really a yearly thing. I always attempt to make her cry tears of joy at Christmas. Success is mine. Sami didn't hate what I got her this year. Also, a win. Dad didn't see the micro amp coming. "I bet this is the one Jack Black used in School of Rock." "Sure. I forgot to get him to sign it when he gave it to me." "Oh...hush." Good things. And I am sick as a doggg. Which is horrible. But I'm so God damn happy that it's really hard to care. I'm so excited. I don't even know what for. I just am. It makes me think that something else wonderfully happy making is around the corner. I certainly hope it's sustainable. And Adele? I want her voice. I want to make people melt like that. Ridiculous. Simply ridiculous. Old favorite. New favorite. Always a favorite. Let's keep this happy up, shall we?
Remember when I thought you were an asshole, but I gave you the time of day anyways? Well, good job getting your girlfriend pregnant. Sorry. I saw it coming eventually, but for me to say that freshman year would have been rude. Again. Congrats. Anyways. I still feel like dancing. However, when I tried spinning this morning I got quite a bout of lightheaded-ness. I'll make up for the lost time. Eventually. Maybe when I'm no longer so short of breath. I'm in love! I'm in love! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it! -Thank you, Elf. It's too early. I neverrr eat December snowflakes. I always wait till January. -Oh, Lucy. "Old man kneels to the earth in his mother's garden Where his own father was laid Every day, sun or rain Mermaid sits on her rock and she prays For the salmon in the sea, for the winged in the trees For the old man on his knees For the beauty in the park, and the cars at the heart Her own sisters and her brothers And ten thousand friends and lovers A black day in December." -Said the Whale I'm curious. Why, exactly? There's nothing to find. Because there's nothing hiding. I hope you have a really restful break, and time away, regardless. You know those little music video things they put up in the mall? I made them play only OK Go for a half hour. Sigh. It's the little things. Orange Juice. And pain meds. And a shiny guitar. And an iPod. And a few blankets. And I'm not sleeping much tonight. And it's going to be fantastic.
And yet I couldn't stop yelling or dancing today. I could't feel my throat. I realized I could barely breath after being abducted by the choir to sing carols. I couldn't feel my hands. I realized that when I went questing for...interesting gingerbread. I had a little headache all day. I realized that when I slid down in the driver's seat of the car. It's amazing what happens when you take all the stress out of a day. I guess it doesn't matter how ill I am, happy prevails. That's a comforting thought. "...it's because the world hates me." "No it doesn't. The world can't talk." -I loved Katy's response to that. I mean, it is kind of true. Just at the time of her saying it earlier this week it was so fitting. That kid's so silly. I am so excited that vacation has finally come. There is so much school stuff to do, but I'm not looking at that for a few days. I need a break. I can't go out tonight because I can hardly talk and reactor poorly to bright lights due to a headache. I'll go adventuring another day, I guess. I still really want to. I'm sure I'll find and excuse to be out late over the next week or two. My guitar needs love. And a good cleaning. Like, I don't reallyyy care if people play it... But it looks like shit right now. Poor baby. I'll fix that. Don't worry. I'll try to never make you endure that again. And hey. Thank you! I was really happy when you told me. Honestly. And now I'm more excited for it. Ahh...wonderful... Christmas stuff? Let's see what happens. ...after analgesics, caffeen, and REM. Delicious.
I like the voice leading in this melody. Trance-like. Very cool. Happy Wednesday. I've been thinkin'. I know. Crazy, right? But really, now. I've been looking at people that I dislike and asking myself why I have a problem with them. I don't have an answer. Why don't I have an answer? The least I could do is justify something so awful. But I can't, for some reason. They just bother me for one reason or another. I was so bothered today in class. -I got irritated at Mirabs. Not like it matters. She just tells me to be quiet most days. But I shot some really unnecessary facial expressions her way. -If someone asks me a question, usually it means they want me to answer. Not the girl sitting next to me. I'm so frustrated with my current lack of cohesiveness with people. I don't know what's wrong. I just feel...not hated. Not neglected. I guess I'm just bored. I don't want to be irritated. I want to be happy. I want hugs. I want rest. I want love. I want dancing. I want so much more than I deserve. Just kidding. I think maybe I'm bored because I feel lonely. And here comes Christmas break. Here we go again. Save me. Save me. Somebody please save me. I'm going to crawl up in a corner again. I don't want to stay that way. Gahh. I need friends. Maybe next year. I need to feel better. I feel physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Fabulous. No breakdowns until Thursday. But it might have to come a little early. No tears on Christmas Eve, after all. Also. This is amusing? Yes. http://www.formspring.me/oliviagunther Oh, and hey, stop assuming things. "Do nothing till you hear from me." Ha. But seriously. I'm so done with people asking me the same questions.
PSNH really does need to tell us what the problem is. Whatevs. It wasn't for that long. It was just unnecessary. I woke up at six pm, told that food was ready. I could have gone back to sleep for years. I think I'm sick. Headaches, cold nose, minor throat oddities. And it won't get bad till vacation. Fabulous. Why can't I take a mental health day? Or a physical health day? I should stop complaining so much. Good things. There really are always good things 1)-Said the Whale album is coming to me soon. 2)-Two days until break. 3)-Thursday will probably be pretty fun, as school days go. 4)-Letters are written, coins are painted. 5)-The car still has a decent amount of fuel. 6)-Peggy Lee has a really nice voice. 7)-It snowed last night, even if it wasn't a lot. Okay. Selfish. All I really think Christmas needs is snow and mistletoe. But for some reason the snow is being quite difficult. And mistletoe is too cliche for anyone's tastes now a days, apparently. Disappointing? I think certainly. Break is coming up. And I really don't want to get more depressed. Happy thoughts. Happy music. Happy food. Happy weather. Happy runaway on Thursday night. Yes. Readjusting is weird. A month. A short month. But hey. Good job. It turned out alright in the end. "It's a disaster. It's and incredible mess. But it's all we've got."
Three ibuprofen. Water and whatever I find to eat. Shed a couple layers of clothing. Compensate with blankets. Pull them closer to pretend I'm not so upset. And to pretend I don't feel so sick. What happened today? I don't even know. There is nothing that pisses me off more than divorcee. Absolutely nothing. So thank you for thoroughly pissing me off today. Really freaking appreciate it. Sarcasm. Can you sense it yet?
Good morning Monday. You're going down. "Hold my nose out through the blinds, Hope to God it sticks this time"
It could have been worse. There really wasn't THAT much stress. Hamlet was basically done before the weekend even came. Biology quiz? Formative. Don't care enough. Pre-Calc test? Okay. Maybe I'm a little freaked about that one. But it'll be fine. Just need to float a decent grade. It looks like tomorrow night will be less than desirable. Extra jazz and a Biology lab that I need to do well on. No C+. It bothers me too much. And suddenly, I question little things. Things that should have been questioned months ago. Like, hey, how are people so good at assuming things? How do people know such things? How does stuff like that get around? It wouldn't be assumed if it wasn't mentioned by a couple people. The internet is a funny place. As is the text message world. Weird. Then there's the question of "why do people care so much?" That one gets me more. Nope. There's no reason why anyone should care what I've done. And yet people still ask. Which is strange. I don't know. It's not like I'm completely innocent of it myself. But the extend that some people go is truly terrifying. Hmm.That was pointless. Horray! Said The Whale is really really happy making. I should get that more. Hope it's not too horrible and awful to look at. Really. Really. REALLY hope that. Nope. Not answering that. Nope. Never. I wrote down a few of the reasons I knew, explaining why I didn't want you around. There was this one time you said I looked empty and strange without my glasses. Asshole. I knew it wasn't a horrible move on my part. The things people say sometimes... Sometimes people say the most priceless little things though. The kind of things that deserve to be a locked text message. That priceless, be it cute or just plain hilarious. I read all the ones I had today, laughed, and deleted a bunch of them. I need room for more, after all. More memories and such. Memories are beautiful. It doesn't matter how I feel about things in the present, I can't help but smile at the past, and think about just how much better things have been getting. It's so exciting. I can't wait for snow so that I can get lost in it. I think getting lost is my new favorite thing. Which is why adventuring on Thursday night is still on my to do list. I've already done a couple stupid, yet impulsive things this weekend. Why stop there? Let's be stupid. Without dying, of course. But hey. What's the worst that could happen? Honestly? I don't know. But if I couldn't walk, I might as well drive. Fabulous. Hey. I'm finally excited for that New York trip thing. Even if I will be basically alone the whole time. But that was the plan from the beginning, wasn't it? I guess it was. Funny how things work out that way.
Maybe I'm just too frustrated to be optimistic lately. Hmm. I feel incredibly pathetic about what I'm planning on doing next week. It'll be worth it. Just have to keep telling myself that. Whether or not that's actually true is quite another story. Deep breaths. Open minds. I'm really trying. Whatever that means. No more over-thinking. No more depressing thoughts. I'm not even excited about Christmas. I need a night out. A late night out. Whether that means a cheap movie or a long car ride or... I don't know. Whatever that could possibly mean. It'll happen, eventually. I'm banking on Thursday night. Maybe even Wednesday if I feel up to it. I'm not sure what I'll do, or even if i'll be with anyone else. Of course I'd like company. But it doesn't matter at this point. Is it colder by the coast this time of year? Are pea coats and sand a bad combination? Is running away for a few hours a crime, so long as people know you're gone, But not necessarily where you've gone to? I don't think it's a crime. And I need mental healing sometimes. Come with me? I kid you not. It was Katy's birthday today. I reallyyyyyy don't like Chuck-E-Cheese's... Horrible. Hot. And creepy children. But I do like driving around with the best friend listening to unknown music. I'll take that. I'll take that.
Sorry for the somber yesterday. This is going to be a long evening... I meant what I said, and said what I meant. I'm mentally exhausted. Hey there weekend. Come crawl up next to me and sleep in my bed. Which means? Hello mostly depressing, partially wasted weekend. To come back for four days, emotionally and mentally exhausted from a weekend of... Well. Nothing, really. Gahh. Save me. Please. Updated, 9:54, give or take. So. I came home. Slept. Ate. Slept for a couple hours. Got something of substance in my system. And here's the rest of me. No falling asleep before 11 for me tonight. Sigh.
If I had a nickel every time someone said this to me, I'd be rich. Actually. I'd have a dollar. So, about 20 times. This time during mod H today it just hit harder. Now one has asked me about it for a couple weeks, And now, tutoring people I barely know in math, The question is brought up again. I didn't really answer, as usual. "Who told you that?" Then distraction. And a hey, guess what I figured out how to do on my calculator, here's the answer. And then the question gets lost in numbers. And letters. And buttons. But only from the real world. Not in my mind. It eats away at me. I feel like...so utterly confused. I don't understand. You kind of drifted...whether or not you really meant to. I hope you didn't mean to. I hope you didn't intend to do much damage. I hope I didn't do something incorrectly. And most of all, I hope so desperately that this is not what happened last year. And that's it's not what happened last year, that occurred again over the summer. Please don't be just the third person to go away without words. Please don't give me a legitimate reason to feel depressed and alone. All I want is to be acknowledged. I don't even feel that some days. I really wish she hadn't asked me about you today. In other news: 1)-Hamlet songs are coming along nicely 2)-Letters are nearly done 3)-Tomorrow's Friday 4)-I don't have a grueling amount of homework 5)-I don't have to babysit very long tonight 6)-I'm not THAT awful at piano some days. So, yes. I think that Thanksgiving break, Thursdays, and December have something against me. I'm sensing a trend. I want it to stop. Make it stop. I don't want to be quite so impulsive in my thoughts of what to do. "It feels like 15 elephants standing on my chest, 36 vultures picking at my flesh It's a man overboard without a life vest, Yeah I'm a little wigged out, but I'm doing my best. I just want a little bit more, a little bit more, little bit more little bit more tonight. I just want a little bit more, a little bit more, little bi, I just need a little bit more time." Time...and clarity.
I can wait. I can wait. I can wait. But I can't do that forever. I finished your letter, and I almost cried. Good god you made me smile so much. You still make me smile so much. I don't care if it looks strange, it's what I actually mean and feel. Which is weird. Because I don't typically do that. Until now. Funny. Figured the least you could do was understand where I'm coming from. Just accept it. A response wouldn't be horrible either. Ahh. I love letters. And notes. And basically anything handwritten. Sigh. And oh, I just love you. The end. Until tomorrow.
"Groan. Well how did you manage that?!" Fabulous. Breaking the news of C+. Not cool. I reallyyyy hope I scrapped up a B in History. Praying to every God, several times. I can't handle this. asdfghjkl; Immensely frustrated. With no outlet. I feel like I have all this pent up anger and sadness and frustration with no where to put it. I'm going to snap at someone. I'm so scared. I don't want to do that. I feel like I already am. Why am I so fucking stressed? Because apparently substance abuse isn't productive, I need something else. Something tangible. Something real. I came up with 27 reasons why I can't get married. I'm not even lying anymore. These are real reasons. I like tutoring in math, because this is what we decide to do. "You can't say reason #23 if you never made a list." "Fine. We'll make a list." #17-No one can stand me for much more than a month. I thought about this one, and simply had to laugh a little. And the slight amount of accuracy associated with it. Mm. It happens. Later later later. "You don't need my advice, We just need to stop saying goodbye." -I don't particularly agree with this. But that's a personal choice.
And then C+ in Biology? Didn't see that one coming. I feel like I do better in classes when I'm happier, due to lack of stress. Whatevs. Thank you, sweetheart. And thank you, dear. Smiles abundant I got today, and I really appreciate it. A lot. Even if you don't know that you're doing it. I like when people leave me little notes, It makes me feel loved. Superficial? Probably. But hey, nothing bad about boosting self-esteem a little. So, yet again, another thank you. Thank you so much. And...kind of feel bad about being guitar possessive this morning. But not exactly? Which is okay, I suppose. Mm, maybe another day.
The week it's self was quite bad, actually, making more of a reason for the weekend to be good. Better? I feel better. Cool. After FOREVER I FINALLY named all those Lemuria tracks. So...now I only have 100 left to label. But hey. It's a step in the right direction. A good step too, because it's wonderful music. Someday I'll fix them all...that day is not today. I think I over-thought something this morning that...concerned me? No. Not concerned exactly. More like...made me wonderful. I don't like being confused. Not one bit. Everyone seems to be hating on the rain today. But pounding rain and rushing wind sounds so fabulous in my bedroom. I could cry it's so beautiful. I love it. I love it. I love it. Can I rewind back to fall? Things were prettier then. "Won't you come outside, love?"
I wrote my history song. Finished Annotated Bibliography, with sources to spare. Read the Chem article and Bio Lab. Finished Hamlet. <3 Got my nails done with mom? Random? Yes. Very. Received hugs and a better sense of being. Finished Christmas presents. Cleaned the room for the first time in a month. Did laundry for the first time in a month...I have too many clothes. Managed to bang out (ha. Bang out.) some decent sounding music on the piano. Huh. That hasn't happened in a long time. I'm in an odd state still. A love hate relationship with the holidays. Like...break? Yes. Alone most of the day? Not so much. Make plans with me, oh pretty please? :D? Yeah. That should happen. "Was it a broken arm or collar bone? It depended on the week And me with my black eye stitched from head to feet Uncomfortably happy All skinned knees and gapped teeth Remember summers with the speak-n-spell Trying to make the robot cuss If mother knew the words we used while she worked She would be fuming Cause that's not how she raised me And when you taped over a good half of the wedding tape I bet you never thought Thundercats could ever make you cry You sat in disbelief As Lion-O made plans to slay the whole wedding party They're disco dancing to their death Oh Ma, you just don't know it yet And all my hand me downs are stuck to me From all the blood I couldn't keep Oh such a likely scene 10 year old body face down on Rosall Street Bike passed out on top of me Remember how I sore I would Pass you up in age You just scoffed at me Well I'm still gonna do it Just haven't quite figured out how yet We cornered Teddy Ruxpin and smashed his story tape And put Guns N'Roses in And watched him sing along to Appetite for Destruction Yeah he knew every word I'm dying in the hall laughing Oh John, you gotta turn it off And when you taped over a good half of the wedding tape I know you never thought Thundercats would ever be the end You sat in disbelief As Lion-O made plans to slay the whole wedding party Oh John, you gotta turn it off " -Dear and the Headlights. I listen to them too much. I need a new obsession. Or maybe just a couple new CDs. Hey, Christmas.
I always feel that way after shows. Which is kind of...not supposed to happen. Isn't it supposed to be nerves before? Whatever. Anyway. Hugs do make things better. I'm not particularly sure why. Probably just the general sense of touch being simulated. Which sounds creepy, but it's not. Human contact is nice. I like that. And conversation. I could have used more conversation this past week. I needed something. "Yeah I, yeah I still need you. But what good's that gonna do? Needing is one thing, And getting, getting's another." My phone's deprived, that's all. Silly phone.
I'd also like to think that maybe you'd...return it, perhaps? Or something of that nature. I feel like I'm trying and and getting no response. I know I'm trying. I am. I really am. And I was kind of hoping to get a little response of some sort. I know it's hard. I know you don't know what's wrong. But I've been praying for you. I don't do that typically. I pray for your clarity. And strength. And understanding. But most of all, happiness. Please, in all your stress and confusion. Be happy. Please, for the love of God think about yourself. Please for the love of God realize that you're really an amazing person. Please. And I'm here. Remember that. Oh, hey Friday night. Bring on the sleep.
Smiling people. Because they just kind of make everyone else around them want to smile. I like smiling. I wish I did it genuinely more. I want to go see the Masker's play pretty badly. I think I'll go tomorrow, even if no one else goes with me, Which is probably going to be the case. But it's cool. I'm typically the loner that wanders off to school events anyways. And it's incredibly awkward. Fabulous. Friends would be a good thing to acquire. To avoid...awkward things. You know? Maybe I'll drag someone with me. Who knows. The colder it gets the more I notice that perhaps I do park too far away. I swear I can't move my hands by the time I get there. Why wasn't the rain in October that bad in comparison? Mm. I don't know. This winter is going to suck prettyyy badly. Maybe I should carpool. Mm. Too much work to ask of such things. You are so handsome and so talented and so wonderful. My mind's been a blur for...2ish months now? Give or take? And although I've been confused and stressed as ever lately, I think it has been far more than worth it. I'd like to keep the brain at least slightly love drunk for awhile, Because everything just seems better when that happens. Even when I think I have a C+ in History. You know what? Fuck AP History. Anyways. I'm being happier, right? Mm, Christmas present preparations include: Nail polish and pennies and guitars and a keyboard and some lengthy letters and and... Well. I haven't decided what else exactly. But I have two weeks to do so. Mm fabulous. Ahh. Please? Yes, please? I hate this. Don't waste your time. I love this. Waste your time. <3
Is it a fabulous operation system? Kind of want to throw the PC out a window most days. Anyways. Major headache. Only on Wednesdays now though. I probablyyy should have come home early to do homework that is now painful to get through. But really. I'd much rather listen to the prodigy children play with their new toy. Thoroughly jealous? Yeah. They're fabulous. And now I get Chem and English, Leaving History for mod E and Math for mod B or C. I haven't napped. I'm messeddd up, sleep wise. Man cannot live on coffee alone. I try. And it doesn't work. Maybe I can be sick enough to stay home a take mental release. But nope. I get minor throat problems and aching everywhere for no real reason. Bleh. I need happy things. Like music. And covers. And blankets. And pillows. And coffee. And friendships. And red dresses. And hugs. And love. And shows. And plans. And inside jokes. And love. And food. And the ability to drive. And love. ...and love. Yeah. :) 45 minutes later, all this silly work will be at least halfway done. I'll make an attempt at conversation. And I'll go to freaking bed. Two more days. Two more days.
Excessive? No. Classy? Yes. But still. I don't know. I had a weird dream again. Lots of interesting themes and people. Want to know what I want? ...nevermind, actually. And tonight I'm going to sit and wait and wonder and listen to Death Cab for Cutie. Gross, emo child. Whatevs. Maybe my wondering will come true.
Sorry, sweetheart. I just don't know. Concert was most certainly worth the migraine, throat problems, and thus, possibly falling from the good gracesbof directors. But it's fine. I'm prepared. There are just a lot of wonderful things in Boston. Let me stay there? With all the people? To be a wall flower? Wonderful. I did feel like shit this morning though. Horrible. And cold. Maybe it is time to pull out the red scarves and hats and mittens. I should take my mother's hints and just wear the silly hats. I feel like I have a lot to say. And then nothing at all. Only because everytime I go to make that move I think about...well... I'm not sure what a good word for it would be. It's a little uneasy though. I don't like being uneasy. Or sick. But it'll all be worth it in the end, right? Once. Just once. Just try. I know that you don't know. But please. Please. Please.
Being achy. And having a sore throat. And being tired. And having a Bio test to study for. And having Hamlet to read. And a response paper to write. I am so frustrated. I fxcking hate being sick. More than a lot of things. Asdfghjkl; I need Monday off. "Can't you come home early?" School doesn't work like that daddy. :) Concert tomorrow. I'll get through this. Somehow. I'll be cold and sick, but alive. And somehow, some way, I'll be singing throughout the week. Tea is going to be a good friend of mine. Tea and vinegar. <3.
Which is unfortunate. I mean, it's good because I'm concert going for the first time in a month tomorrow. But...it makes this day really disappointing. I really want to go do something tonight. It wouldn't really matter so much what, just so long as I wasn't alone. Because, really, being alone on the weekends and vacations makes me sick. Took a trip out to Candia last night. I needed that. I needed that pretty badly. Thank you again, love. I want to be happy again. Like when October had the most beautiful leaves and walks could happen. December makes me sick. Perhaps you don't think anyone should be subjected to you. But I want to be subjected to you. Is that okay? Cause it's not going to change.
Please. Please. Please. I shouldn't assume, but there's not a whole lot else I can do. I want this to work so badly. So fucking badly. I just want words that try to explain themselves, So that maybe I have a reason to release this pent up feeling in tears. I want to cry. I have no reason to cry. So I can't cry. What the hell. What the hell. I've never felt so frustrated and scarred and worried and broken ever. You can call it seasonal depression. I can call it that too. I want this to be my fault. I want to be able to take blame. But I never have a reason too that I can see. Speak. Explain. Clarity please. Please. Because I feel neglected. I feel dropped. I feel rejected. And I feel completely and utterly confused. I want this. I don't want to give up on it. But when calls aren't returned And messages aren't answered And hellos aren't said And my presence isn't acknowledged at all. Well...I'm kind of looking for something to hold on to. I want something to hold on to. I want stable. But I'm stupid. And pathetic. And never set myself up for such things. asdfghjkl; Or, don't explain anything. And I'll wallow in the worst possible situation that could be happening. To answer your question, love, as of 7:40pm, 12/2/2010, I'm capable of tears.
Because it's clearly there. Because last night, I couldn't sleep. Then got woken up at five, due to a poor, light sleep. Managed to get out the door with a flashdrive. And go through the days ambivalent and pointless. I feel meaningless. Hello seasonal depression. I don't think I'm the only person to go through it, But why around the holidays? I want to be happy then. I want to be happy all the time, actually. I really do like smiling. The chemicals in my brain react very well when other people smile, or make small talk, or play music. I don't know though. I feel as if at the end of November, things turn. It's...kind of like the volta of my sonnet. And then it turns around again in May or June. Every year? Yeah. I liked the idea of Naturalism, but living in the inescapable cycle is by no means a good time. I want to cry, but I can't. Now it just feels like if I were to get a real hug, I'd break down into tears. I really wanted to in history. But I still couldn't. ...what the hell is wrong with me? Doubtfully nothing. Probably everything. And? I still feel selfish. Fabulous. |
