welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
I would. That's all I have to say about that. With patterns that clash enough to match. I need to stop being such a goddamn hipster. I'm. So. Excited. And. Happy. You have no freaking idea. HAPPY! <- See? Yeah. The day was decent. An easy lab, a sleepy assembly, some easy jazz songs, the oppurtunity to pick ones that are more fun, walking around school with a pipe. Ya know. It's typical. When I put the pipe back after school I looked at all of the other random ones we have. Pipes are really cool. I don't know. They just look cool. Probably why we have 20 or so displayed in our living room. I love antiques. Criticized for spinning in hallways again. I like spinning, alright? Maybe I like acting happy. Honestly, I like being happy. And even with a killer headache again, I was feeling quite satisfyingly happy. Alright. Okay. You win. I'm in love with you.
You were just "that person" again. I just shake my head and sigh, now. Ridiculous. Simple ridiculous. "And who do you think you are Running 'round leaving scars Collecting your jar of hearts And tearing love apart You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul So don't come back for me Who do you think you are Dear, it took so long just to feel alright Remember how to put back the light in my eyes I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed Cause you broke all your promises And now you're back You don't get to get me back." -Stuck in my head forever. Thanks, love. Yes. I can play chords on a piano. Sorry, I just don't think it's that amazing of a feat, haha. Sleepy. What happening tomorrow, I wonder. Bio Lab...I think that's all of importance. Getting up at six to get to the church by 7:30 isn't fun. But witnessing a sunrise while listening to Dashboard Confessional makes it worth it. Sunsets are really cool too. But I feel like you have to be at least a little motivated to watch a sunrise. "My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me, So won't you kill me, so I die happy?" Mm. Regina. I love when she comes up on shuffle. This is going to sounds obnoxious, But I am sick of people being so insensitive to each other. No, people should NOT go kill themselves. Horrible idea. Worst idea. The idea bothers me as much as divorce does. And divorce pisses me off. A lot. This Town Needs Guns. I love them a lot, right now.
Just let it go cause you never know, you never know If your rhythm ever falls out of time You can bring it to me and I will make it alright And if your soul is let go Oh you never know, no you never know And if your heart is beating free For the very first time it'll be alright"
I now know exactly why it bothers me. ...and every time I write it down and read it back to myself, I feel like it's the creepiest thing in the entire world. I like notebook paper. I've been writing stuff down more often now. So now I have all of these lyrics that might fit with the random instrumental stuff I have. This could be cool. It could be very cool. Ebadd9/Bb Really pretty. Also a Cadd9/G capoed at three. Silly guitar players. I woke up this morning with the biggest headache in the entire world. Took drugs. Went back to sleep. Woke up alright. ...I don't like that being a typical Saturday. Vision Statement for Creating Laura is being written today. I'm so excited. The idea of starting an organization is pretty fun, actually. I really hope it works out. Said the Whale is still stuck in my head so much. It just adds to the patheticness of my situation. Sitting on a bar stool in my room with a candle and tea. Yeah. Pathetic. "Yeah, I've got love handles but I cannot handle love." asdfghjkl; Why is that so calming? I love you. A lot. Apologies. There's no changing it. Watching music videos made in the '80s. Yeah. For a good half hour. Also, vision statements? "Our vision is to spread some love on your sandwich of life." Productive? Probably not. But we listened to a lot of math rock. So it was worth it, obviously. "I can't love I can't feel or have passion, but I don't mind. You can't break my government heart." Need. To stop listening to them. sjkl Job applications and Chinese and SAT prep. Delicious. Simply delicious.
One, three, two, seven. One, three, two, seven. One, three, two, seven. six, five, four. One, three, two seven. One, three, two seven. "Then the rain turned to snow And it stuck to the road and Now where are we to go?"
But hey, it'll be worth it eventually. Is it bad that I came home, thought about what to eat, and ate cheese on toast, due to the fact that it was in this song. Life. Getting. Need one. Saw my old driving instructor today. "Still have no friends? Too much school?" "You know how it is." I wrote lots of lists. A few little poems, too. Just to sort out things. Figure out why I don't feel so happy. "But you're always smiling?" I know. I like smiling. I just haven't had a fabulous reason to lately. My mind's a mess. It's a bit ridiculous. I think I'm going to blame it on the weather. I was kind of odd like this at this time last year. But that was all just horrible timing. I don't know. I refuse to stay in this state. Because it sucks. I'm going to be busy. Excuse me while I disappear. Why do I feel like you hate me so much? :(
Alright. Trying to make this reasonable. But it's not working. Please help. :(. I'm confused and stuck. :( Blarg. Ehh day. Started out kind of oddly...ended similarly. Chorus was kind of awkward...but a bit refreshing at the same time. I don't know. I just don't know anything right now. After school was alright, but I realized more just how frustrated I've been lately. "On edge" I guess you could say. I just want hugs at this point. I need to apply for jobs this weekend before my dad murders me. asdfghjkl; It has to happen. Just listening to attractive British men sing. No big deal. Oh wow. Hey. I had a happy post yesterday. It's funny how things can just turn so quickly. Just spinning and smiling. It'll get better. It'll get better. It has to get better. It could get worse, I suppose. But it most certainly will get better. I took a concept I heard today and wrote some lyrics I felt silly. But I think it's alright.
Easy last midterm. Playing with the PA. Loading the station-wagon. Panara Bread. Unloading the station-wagon. Spaghetti dinner show. Playing music. Listening to fabulously talented friends. Eating ridiculous amounts of bread...typical. Loading the station-wagon. Riding around Shaw's in shopping carts to visit friends. Making people that work are Shaw's angry. Freezing toes off. Making tea. Eating a cupcake (Clearly identified as one from Hannaford's) Listening to music. Feeling quite satisfied. Yeah. I'll take that. Any day. (:
(Back when I had my huge 30GB, white iPod...miss that thing...) So I had listened to Great Northern, Born Ruffians, Metric, and Minus the Bear. I loved it. But no one else would listen to it with me. Until i met other people that listened to this stuff. Oh yay! I don't even know if I like this that much, but it was also something I had listened to for awhile. Gahh. Flashbacks. <3 Today was alright. Aside from the migrane. And the boring jazz songs. But! Belting out Remembering Sunday in a hallway is my idea of a good time. "Keeping an eye on the world, so many thousands of feet off the ground." It's funny how strong I can sing when I believe something. Harmonies make me so excited. They really do. I'm addicted, I think. If that's possible. Addicted to caffeine and harmonies. What a weirdo. I'm sorry I don't have a love interest. I'm also sorry I'm not cheating on him. I'm also sorry that I'm not pregnant. But you knew that, right? Yes. "We can just put all the stuff in the car, right?" "Isn't that what boyfriends are for?" -ahahaha Sterling. <3 "Uhm, Mr. Sterling those are quite nonexistent." -I love Michi and how I'm going to go to college with her? Yeah. I guess so, haha. Aww. :) Such a cute song. Thanks, for sending it to me Miss Taylor.
ahahaha. Oh. My. Goodness. <3 I really like the band Rosa Parks. I hadn't actually listened to them until today.
I saw it coming. Just another year and a half. That's all. Anyways. I had an odd dream during a half sleeping state last night. I was trying to de-stress a little before I fell asleep. And my mind kind of floated into the backseat of a car. There were two people up front, just talking and driving, but I couldn't tell who they were. All I know it that it was dark. I was lying down in the backseat of a car. And I was as peaceful as ever. ...I guess I need a long car ride. I had a fabulously successful Saturday. Passed out around...1:30? Then had to wake up at 7...mm... After five hours in three and a half inch heels, my feet weren't happy. "Why do girls do that?" They're pretty, alright? I don't regret it. Not at all. Last night was probably the most fun I've had since break. It was nice. It really was. If my numbers are correct, I've been asked eight times in the past two months a variation of virtually the same question. Eight. Times. And it both kills me and makes me smile. Answer to one wording: No, and I'll say that. Answer to another wording: Very much yes. But I won't tell you that. Ambiguity. Spaghetti dinner songs are coming along nicely. Which is cool. Even though I have no idea how that's being accomplished... Oh welll.
No one here has a clue to the calm words of love, so we tend to shout. Once we are dirt, all the mountains of men will fall. Once we are gone, all the mountains of men will fall. They will fall. God at times it feels like we've been left here alone forever more. God I'm fighting to swim, but my wrongs drag me back to the bloody shore. We will fall. I'm a lover. I'm a Killer. I'm a sinner and saint. I can fly when I'm dreaming, but I sink when awake." -Kenny Choi, your voice absolutely kills me. And also: I'm going to die. x3 So beautiful. I now want a loop pedal, just so I can harmonize with myself. Like, what?! Ahh. Thank you, Michi, you're so beautiful. mm...I'll fix it later. Oops. :)
And I'm not really sure what that reason is. Maybe it's complicated. And all of the things that are still there. Faded, perhaps, but still there nonetheless. I'd take it back it a heartbeat, but I know it wouldn't come back that fast. I've got a little bit of time left. Don't tell me how I'm supposed to feel. I'm sorry our definitions of "crash and burn" are different. Forgive me, please. Alright. Feeling selfish. ...one more time? "Favoritism ain't my thing, but in this situation I'd be glad to make an exception."
Why don't I do "shit?" I honestly don't know. Because it's not like I don't know people that do. It would be really easy for me to do that. But I don't, for some reason or another. It doesn't make me feel like a better person. No. There are a lot of really successful people that have that in their lives. A lot of successful people. Maybe I just like being a little different. I like people when they're really interesting due to the fact that they're really, truly interesting. Not just because they're fun to get high with. I've watched too many people get messed up mentally because of it, And it reduces me to tears. But there are a lot of people that are also perfectly fine. They'll be fine. And they have fun. And I can't be the judge of that. Everyone's different. Just like everyone's version of "rational" is affected by their world view. So, I'm sorry that mine is different and irrational to most. I find it funny that people keep bringing that up with me. I don't lose a lot of respect for them, really, it's just kind of... I don't know. I'd rather drink coffee or something. Or take a walk. Or make harmonies. Because those are my favorite memories, as of late. They might be stupid memories. But they mean a lot to me. Getting lost in Dover, or fail questing, or invading houses with waffles, or taking a nine mile walk, or singing fourths, or being convinced to go to SYMS, or getting inspired to play music more, or talking about really philosophical shit. They're not stupid. They're real. So I'm sorry that I'm a boring "straightedge purity freak." The purity reasoning is for a different day. Cause it's not cause Jesus or Daddy told me so. Maybe it's childish. Maybe it's innocence. It's not that I think it's particularly bad. I'm just a little different. Now that wasn't very conclusive at all. Perhaps it was even contradictory. I'm sorry. It's not your fault. It's been bothering me awhile. It's not a big deal. Honest. I thought of reason 31 why I won't get married. Actually, no. Wanna know why I honestly think people do it? To hide from their problems. Because it takes away stress and everything feels better. I don't want to do that. It'll be too easy. I don't want to take the easy way out. Not yet. Alright, if stay home all day again I'm going to have to diagnosed as insane. Wow the house is choking me lately...
And so is the fire that could, potentially, make those angry words go away. This is a tad ridiculous.
And I really don't want to yell about to the world, But it's eating me up inside in ways I'm not okay with. Make me talk. I feel sick. I feel like crying. I feel like a horrible person. This week probably isn't for me. I'm really really really hoping it gets better. I mean, when everything's so horrible for so long, karma says that a lot of really good things will come after? So I'm hoping. No. Not hoping. Praying for better things. Praying for smiles and long walks and hugs and music. But until then: Coffee and painkillers and candles and acoustic guitars and the occasional phone call and blankets and pillows and v-neck tees. Yes. Oh, and U.S. History midterm tomorrow? That's funny. I'm pretty sure I know more about Chinese history than American history. Tears bring release, but not a whole lot else. Eww. Although there's nothing fun about research papers, I thoroughly enjoyed reading Brave New World. There's a lot of terrifying truths in there. I hope to be gone by then. These coma naps should probably stop... I'm having dreams that are far too strange. Alright, I wouldn't hate another snowday... I'm just so dang lazy. Feeling hated. Cool beans. It's really hard to talk about things that bother you unless someone brings it up first. So thank you. Thank you so much, dear.
Afterwords I just got really exhausted. Sleep? Yes. Probably. Food and sleep and music and...not much else. I'm really disappointed in myself. It happens. I ended up playing guitar for a good hour until 12:30ish... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Not for that, necessarily, but for other things. Yes, you're being referenced. Candles again? I think so. One step closer to no stress. I'm curious: What do you intend on doing about it, exactly? I wish blogger stats didn't exist.
Ever So Sweet-The Early November Bruised-Jack's Manequinn Slide-Goo Goo Dolls Giving Up-Ingrid Michaelson Title and Registration-Death Cab for Cutie Delicate-Damien Rice
Massive migraine with wonderful amount of stress. A paper at nearly the ten page mark. And a few people I have little to no respect for. Isn't that wonderful? It's how I wanted to spend my snowday. What's worse? I've been listening to music that makes me feel like I could beat the shit out of everyone. I feel like I should not do that...at all... Tooooooo late. BLARG. Alright. Calmed down. Paper is done early. Biology is getting studied. Socially healed a bit. This will be alright. Lighting candles tonight. But listening to acoustic music, obviously. Suggestions? Because I honestly can't stop listening to this. Loveeee the scream at 0:58. <3
I honestly have no idea. Like, it wasn't completely rude...but it had overtones of rude to it. Which probably accounts for being a tad angry about it. And also, my being ambiguous. No, right now I don't think you deserve a response. Sorry. I'll get over it today. No worries. Today is laundry, term paper, Bio studying...room cleaning, shoveling. Avoiding a lot of social interactions in general. Fabulous. I think the blog thing causes me to talk to myself more. Again, fabulous. Reason number...30 why I can't get married. Awesome. I need to eat today. I didn't do a whole lot of that yesterday. Mm, random things. But I'm procrastinating. And already spent an hour trying to make things sound okay on the piano. Must. Stop. Neeeeed to do that paper. ...after 11:11... Also, I think it's safe to say I'm irritated beyond belief at you. And I won't bring it up. And neither will you. So I'm working on being done right now. Apologies for the loss, really.
You don't even understand how fantastic that is. And you won't. And that's alright. "Go blog about it." Thanks Nick Kraemer, I will. My dreams have been oddly specific lately. In ways that they probably shouldn't be. It was fine before it invaded sleeping patterns. Erg. Stop being so god damn attractive. It's really getting to me. Bad.
It happens, I guess. Anyways. Term paper? Semi dress? Midterm studying? Snow? Practice? I just don't know some days. So much studying. And a decent amount of stress. And...I think after mod A tomorrow I'm just going to sleep in the music department. I should bring a blanket... Ridiculous. Any who. Hopefully, I'll be basically done with term paper sometime tonight. I just cannot work on it Wednesday. Not when there's a history midterm to fail the next morning. Oh my goodness, I need a hug. I feel like falling apart over things that clearly don't matter too much. Midterms will be fine. Term paper won't ever be read. Will get out of school earlier than usual. For a week. It won't be too bad, I don't think. And yet I'm still stressed. Time to light some candles in the room again and pull out the vinyl. ...oh. And memorize the history study guide. Mm, someday. "Kisses or hugs?" -Both, often. That's not a very good question.
Yeah...probably slim. But that would be so nice. Especially on nights when I end up staying up past midnight. Doing what? Nothing productive. That's for sure. But that's alright, I guess. I don't think it's okay. I don't think it's fair by any means. But it happened still. And, well, there's really nothing to do about it. I liked that. Probably the best time I've had in a short while. Thanks. Just leave them alone, alright? They'll be fine. Don't force it. I want fall back. "...I've come to the conclusion that October is just a bad month." How could you say that? In the heat of the moment, maybe. I think October is beautiful, if not only for the leaves. And everything's better in October. I'm pretty sure it's my favorite month, and has been for at least the past two years. I still love the fall. But I never went up North like I had planned. I guess I saw enough leaves. And I hid enough in my textbooks, that make me smile when they fall out on my desk. Sigh. I love it. "I don't know...I get bored sometimes." "Don't tell your parents that."
...Because I really don't like this at all. It has some potential though. And if I don't do SOMETHING I'll never do ANYTHING. So here's something. And I think it sounds like shit. It can only get better, right?
It's not like I don't like them...I just don't like them as much for some reason. Awkward isn't the right term probably. I don't know. I joined with a different mind set than I have now I guess. Oh welllll. Finals. Eww. Babe and sweetheart. Those are probably my favorite. Which is lame. Whatevs. And I've got this thing happening again. Where I want one thing while everybody else thinks I should want something else. And I'm not too happy with it. Because that basically puts me in the position where I can't do what I want or what anyone else wants. Which is irritating. Because this really would have been nice. It's alright. People come around sometimes. And sometimes they leave. It happens. It happens a lot, actually. You promised. You did. You really did. And you managed to be like everyone else and break it. It happens apparently. And it really pisses me off. Trying to "enjoy the dreary day." A nap and Biology book. Save me? Call me? Blarg.
I'll get a life one of these days. I hope that's not a lie. Someday maybe, someday. I wish there were more decent people. That would be nice. Someday maybe, someday. I went through my box of notes today. Sigh...I just want a silly letter. The doodles and short, 7 words notes just make me smile so much. Someday maybe, someday.
Yes. <333 I also (<3) killed a (<3) man. <3 Someone asked me not to wear a hat, but I wore a hat. <3 That person is gone. And yeah. <3 <3 <3 Everything's a puppy. <3 That's a good album name for us to get naked <33, then you almost die. <3 Actually, it's triple baby. <3 Alright. I'm done. x3 "I'm coming up only to hold you under." Yay! (WaHOOO -Love, Dee)
I just melted. I always do. And then I get this high after. And...I don't even know. It's like, the fall off of the adrenaline rush from watching them play just makes me feel absolutely fantastic. Don't stop. Ever. Alright, we reallyyy don't need to ask that question anymore. It's still no. Yes, I'm sorry, the answer is still no. I know, I know...you "think it's perfect." Even if it's no. So...don't even bother asking if you're going to blow over my response. "You two are like orbs of light" Oh goodness, dear child, where did you think of such a thing? And sometimes, I like being sung to sleep.
And there was a hell of a lot of snow on it. Feel like crying. Blah. Soooooo cold... Oh, formspring. Where all the questions accumulate that people are too afraid to ask you in person. Beautiful. I'm not really sure who decided it would be a good idea. But I still have one, don't I? Ohh well. My project is simply gorgeous. That's probably a lie. But I'm happy with it. Very excited to get it behind me tomorrow. I lack the strength to dial numbers right now. Mm, later.
In all honesty, I do. A lot more than I should. But ignoring my desires seems to makes everyone else seem happier. It was fun. It happens. I was so far beyond stressed last night. Literally set an alarm to check the school closings in case I needed to do a project... I guess I got lucky. I don't get lucky often. Today will be dedicated to a paper, a presentation song, a poster, and a piano. I never have time to practice piano anymore. :/. Thank you for apologizing. It made me feel like being angry wasn't all my fault. Even if it happened a year ago, I really appreciate it. Today would be a good phone day. Maybe I'll add "call people and tell them I love them." to my to do list. I think I will. That sounds like it will put me in a better mood. Until then, coffee and pain killers. "Don't unplug me, please just love me." Oh goodness.
I really don't want school tomorrow. Because that means throwing together a Biology project in an hour. I'm so good at procrastinating. ...I shouldn't pride myself on that. Yeah, sure, I can bs some piano for an assembly in front of the student body with two days notice. Oh goodness, this week just keeps getting better and better. I like the beginning of this, but not much else? The verses are cool, the chorus is kinda boring though. "Say you to me You're a bird with an eye for anything shiny Searching the land For a hero of a man You say I need More than my fair share of attention But I think you know That just isn't so" Hey, hey, hey...no need to glare at me sweetheart. What did I do, exactly? Barometric pressure my ass. These headaches are really starting to become problematic... I can't just go into a coma for 2 hours everyday after school. I don't have timeee tooo. I LOVE YOU. Deal with it, please? Thanks, love.
Yeah, I guess so. I was offered, yet again, to join chorus. And I feel like if you're offered to get credit for being in chorus while only having to show up twice a week, well...I'm pretty okay with that. What's twice a week? Nothing I couldn't handle. I don't know. I have a couple days to think about it. I should. I really should. Even if I lack true desire. I like this. I like musical things. I hate forgetting that bands exist. I listened to this band over the summer. Then school happened. Stupid school ruins everything. I shouldn't bank on a snow day. But, dear God, how I would adore one. Just a day to make sure I actually have a project to bring into school. A day to sleep a little. A day to play with recording software. Yeah. That could be nice. Probably will be. I wish I didn't come home with headaches. Damn this cold. Mother nature, you took away fall. The very least you could do is give me some snow. I really do appreciate unexpected telephone calls. Thank you, darling. It meant a hell of a lot more than you know. What makes people want to be in a relationship? I think it's irrational happiness. Like, those times when you're around someone and you're just so pleased with things that you don't want to leave or stop. You'd like to hit a pause button on the moment, or the evening, or just the outing. The "relationship" label, I think, is just is a way of confirming like feelings and like desire to keep the feelings. I thought about that when I got home today, haha. Some days...
Ahh! Yay! http://www.purevolume.com/talisvita Silly friends with they're good music and shit... I love them? Yes. Quite a lot. Aww man. I keep getting really good shuffle songs. Creating less reason for me to go to bed. That's what they made coffee for, right? Besides...I'm doing homework...kind of...
I can't stand being at church all morning. Bleh. Not fun. I really want to sleep. But there are things to do. Projects to think up. Papers to write. Yeah. Not looking forward to this. I couldn't fall asleep last night. I finally was able to really around 1:20? I should fix that. No more late night coloring. That must have been the problem. There is nothing to mention really. I feel too tired to be particularly passionate about anything today. But thanks for the rude glares today, sweetheart. Really appreciate it. Telephones and iPods shouldn't make me so happy. But they do. So thanks! Hold. Up. PicMorphSearchToolbar? Really? Goodness gracious, some days...
Seriously. Erg. asdfghjkl; I hate crying out of genuine frustration. It just makes me even more pissed off. But I'm calming down a bit now. I'll get over it someday. This week won't kill me, per say, but it's going to be complicated. I don't have time for a lot of homework Monday night. Tuesday is basically open. Wednesday has been shot. Thursday is shot. Friday is shot. Saturday isn't completely dead. But within that I have a huge project due Wednesday and a nice paper due Next Tuesday. Hmm. I'm not feeling this. Because I know that's not all the work I have. Sleep is overrated anyway, right? For the next couple weeks it is anyways. Sigh. I'll work it out somehow I suppose. February vacation is coming up, right? I feel like I need a break already. Maybe second semester's beginning will be slow. Memorizinggg. Super fun. Memorizing while trying to be crafty for Biology. Why do I even try some days? Call me. I get bored after 11 most nights. Especially if I'm supposed to be working on stuff. Like tonight...kind of wasted the day, as usual. I need to fix that. Ha. I shouldn't like these so much. But I thought this album had some decent covers...though calling them "punk" bands doing "pop" songs would be completely inaccurate. Like, this is pop covering pop. Still an amused. Autotune, yeah. But the vocalist for the Cab does things to me. Absolutely killed me live. <33 Alright, I'm done now. Also, thank you for leaving me messages on my little pathetic blog? Yes, thank you. :D!
Woooooooooo! But, I danced an awful lot today. It wasn't all bad. In reality, it wasn't bad at all. Weird mind sets? Yes. Biology tests are intimidating, but I think I did fairly well on the last one. It's settled. I'm going to Starbucks around 7:30. Because there's something beautiful about drinking coffee when you have nowhere to go. Something beyond beautiful. It's more like...calming? I guess the way that smoking a cigarette at the end of the day would feel like. I wouldn't actually know that, I just feel like the release would be similar. But iPods with nice music and coffee without thinking about that wonderful Biology project worth two tests grades due on Wednesday? I'll take that. I'll take that. Next week is going to be crammed. Signing up for maskers? This should be interesting. And much practicing and meeting-ing and concert-ing and not sleeping-ing. Lots of verbs. In a single week. Which is...stressful, but I think being busy will help me. I need more stuff to do anyway. I'm going to record something this weekend, in between research and homework and sleep. I'm not thinking it'll be earth shattering, but it will be something. And something is something, and you've got to start somewhere with something, right? That's what I've been told. Which should be entertaining. ...I'm going to spend way too much time with that. I love vintage dresses. So much. Fridays are decent. Let's try to make something of this weekend, shall we? No more super depressing thoughts. Or at least a heck of a lot less than came in this week.
Hand-written letters: For that matter, hand-written anything. When was the last time you wrote cursive? In fact, do you even know what the word "cursive" means? Kids born in 2011 won't -- but they'll put you to shame on a tiny keyboard. I read this article. And got as far as that. I still want one. And this just made me think that it's never going to happen in a million years. Which might be completely true. But I'd really like to think that it's not. Basically a week left of the semester. Basically have halfway decent grades. Basically still lack desire. Or passion. Or anything for school. I'm sorry I ask so often if you're okay. It's probably annoying. Don't hate me, please? Katy fell asleep in my bed today. Underneath a couple fuzzy blankets, holding a pillow pet. She looked so content. What do I look like when I sleep? I feel like it can't be quite so content. But I wouldn't know. I just remembered, yet again, today that I'm still going to New York. And that, although much of the music department will be attending, I'm going to feel all alone. I don't want to isolate myself that bad...but I don't even know who's going. But I know a lot of people not going. And that makes me sad. Who am I going to have pointless conversations with and fall asleep on during a bus ride? Who am I going to walk around a museum with? Little things that shouldn't stress me out, but do. Good God, I don't want to be all alone. I get scarred sometimes about the stupidest of things. And I won't mention them. Because no one asks. My mind is screaming at me. I'm slightly concerned. But not enough to do anything about it.
This is it. I want happy music and this kind of stuff for awhile. I can't stand how everyone around me is so unhappy. I loved going out to the church and back singing this chorus on repeat with the best friend: "I like you so much better when you're naked I like me so much better when you're naked" Seriously. I needed that today. I can't stop listening to that song now. My friends sometimes. Thank you for getting me out of the awkward funk I was in after school. I hate that I can't do anything about that.
"Maybe you should consider getting married." Oh freshman. The divorce rate is above 50%. I can't handle that stress. That's reason 28, by the way. I added it. I was shocked. You wouldn't look at me. Just walked away. It only frustrated me because I was defending you not 20 minutes earlier. Thanks, kid. And the fact that it wa such a severe change from earlier just made it worse. I know you won't talk about anything. But I'm seriously concerned. I couldn't stay with that for another hour. I'm bored with life. I don't really know if I want to go to semi. I don't have a reason to go anyway. You snapped too. Why do people hate me today? And you left. Again. Story of my life. I wasn't trying to converse or anything. This was one of those days where I had a really good aditude going in. And then I left asking myself why I even bothered showing up. I feel sick. Again. With a fuck you.
"We might kiss when we are alone When nobody's watching We might take it home We might make out when nobody's there It's not that we're scared It's just that it's delicate." -I think I just died. Delicate indeed, Mr. Rice
literallycannotbreathe. ireallyyyhatemyliferightnow. gahhwhatthefuckk. grr. In short, I feel like death rolled over with bayonets. On the bright side, I had some pretty killer sex hair on this awful day. It's the little things, isn't it? I want this. Also, I want this. Also, I want you sweetheart. But that's a topic for another day.
Because I just love to check shit off." -I love shuffle. Cause I just did this? Go me. "Before I became a secret agent spy I was put on this earth with a regular life Smiling and laughing and singing away But I could not keep my curious mind at bay I set out to answer a question of mine About human heart versus rational mind See, I thought if I planted my heart in the ground I could grow a heart tree and spread my love around I enlisted the help of a very close friend And we ripped out my heart so the test could begin And we watered my heart And we let the sun feed it vitamins And we waited for that sprout And I dug up my heart and I found it was nothing but dirt" ...12/8? I don't care. Love this. Hey, what the hell. It's January. It's been now months. Shouldn't people have forgotten or stopped caring by now? And yet, the question is still asked. I mean, thank you for asking me. I'm just really sick of being asked. No. We're not dating. No. We didn't "break up." We were never "together." Now please, leave me alone? Thank you. Sorry. That was upfront. It's all I know. So stop askingggg. Outline to finish? I might puke. Yeah late nights. Can't focus. Wooo. Jazz tonight and such. Just fabulous. And again, sorry. I'm just frustrated with everyone else. Also, note to self: Don't wear obnoxiously high wasted khaki material skirt when breathing is important. I can't feel my waist. <3 Fabulous.
1)-Make sure all of the quotes from my book are in my outline. Also all of the transitions. Research stuff wouldn't hurt, but I'm betting I won't get to it and still be sane. 2)-British Author's notes? At least write down the headers. 3)-Sparknotes for "review" of The Killer Angels. Yum. 4)-Figure out how I'm going to fix my throat. Again, yum. 5)-A couple math problems. 6)-A BSed Biology "reading guide" 7)-Meaningful conversations before I pass out. 8)-How about I make some lunch ahead of time for tomorrow? That sounds nice. And clothing pre-picked out would be helpful too. Damn, tomorrow is going to be hard, mentally. I'd say the vacation was well worth it, though. Sure, there are plenty of other things I might have liked to do. But I got my late night. And that's really all that mattered to me. Easily amused, I guess. "Impulse arrested spills over, and the flood is feeling, the flood is passion, the flood is even madness: it depends on the force of the current, the height and strength of the barrier." -And it's words like these that make me love being emotionally silly. And it's those silly lyrics that strike you the right way. Feeling, passion, madness. Ahh. It makes me melt. The feeling of ecstasy. Or true sadness. Or to be so utterly frustrated to the point of tears. Or to be completely in love. I could be frustrated about how I feel. Or, I could be thankful that I'm complex enough to feel anything at all. Because I've been numb before. And that's just awful. My favorite, is probably the feeling of walking up the stairs after a fantastic evening, not doing quite what you had intended to at the beginning, shedding layers, pulling over covers, and letting out a few wonderfully contented sighs. Ahh. Beautiful. I want to feel that again.
-Why yes, I have indeed. Why do people act so funny? I didn't think anything was wrong. Not at all. But I guess it was. I don't know how. God, why did you have to be like that? "That's not fair to you at all." -Trust me. I know. But I am too scarred to bring it up. Terrified, actually. Vacation is almost over. It's January. I want something shallow, for my mental sake. I need something stable for my emotional sake. Maybe next year. I kinda wish I got phone calls.
Just ask me, alright? No need to assume. January has some really interesting factors. A couple concerts. A dance that will either be miserable or a lot of fun. Birthdays. Various things. End of the semester. Finals. Huge papers. Stress puking. Spur of the moment Starbucks trips. Ya know. Stuff. I need some new music... Not that I don't have enough, I just always feel like there's more to be had. Probably because there is. Wrote another song a couple days ago. I actually like this one. Can't tell you why. Possibly because it has a legitimate guitar part. Words are weird, but fitting. We'll see what happens. I need to go dress shopping. Again. Something with a better fit. Brighter. I kind of want red again. But navy is so cute. I've got like...three weeks. I'll find SOMETHING. And hopefully, it'll be perfect. Impressions are nice, yes.
There's so much emotion bottled up that shouldn't be. But I don't want to let go of it. There's nowhere to put it. It's not fair. I'm being selfish right now, so I'm sorry, but it's just not fair to me. Guess who gave a shit about being happy herself this year? Yes, me. Which was difficult. Because sweetheart, you laid on the guilt ever so thick. Both of you. "Nope. Don't do it. You're hurting other people." Yeah, well no one has to know. No one ever has to know. No one ever really deserves to know. And I think that this year, if it has done anything, has done the following: 1)-Music is still fabulous and fantastic and make beautiful people with it. and 2)-People like to either have control over others or the ability to throw you under a microscope. Well. I got out from under the microscope. It took a good month and a half, but I did it. Now, let's just forget all of that so that I can go exploring again. And so I'm starting the year with a little bit of fire in the belly. Like, not for school. But for things that are fun. Because I was getting better at having fun this year. Let's have fun next year. I don't care what it is. And guess what? I refuse to stop spinning. Again, my main resolutions this year are to get better at music and to find happiness. I don't really care where I find it, so long as I do. We can criticize me later. |
