welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
Nope. But that's alright. I wrote the most depressing poetry today. Beyond depressing. It kind of made me want to cry reading it back in class. Which is lame. But that's alright. I really really really want to fix that. Badly. It's been eating at me for awhile. But I regret losing it so much. And I still feel like it's completely my fault, because I'm pretty sure it is. But that's alright.
This conversation has run out of time." "And handshake is worthy if it's all that you've got." Overall, I dub this a lame day. But it wasn't actually THAT horrible all over. Just the...school parts... Which was just longer than usual. Which was lame. But unimportant, nonetheless. No one seems to care that much until you're down. Then you get the "aww, feel better" or "I'm always here to talk if you need it." Which is nice, I guess. But I'd rather be slapped than pitied. teehee. ...I don't knowwww.
Um. Alright. I. Don't. Want. To. Be. Sick. :/. But heyy...I guess having another day is alright. I'm going to study and clean my room and...and... Damn I'm tired. It'll get done...eventually... I should probably throw things together for a potentially rainy New York as well... A blues band. Alright. I'm down. I guess. I'm so unproductive. I wanna go for a walk. I'm going for a walk. With good outside inspirational music. Yeah. I need exercise. That might help the mental state. New Panic! At The Disco. Still like them. Still like them a lot. Mm. Weird :) Outside. Right now. Two real days. Two busy real days. Then three fake and damp ones. Alright. I'll take it.
I struggle to find any truth in your lies And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know This weakness I feel I must finally show <3 Just...I don't know. "I see you found that bracelet. I'm glad that's better now." Thanks, mom. It just makes me feel better that you know it still means a lot to me. Thank you, love.
Three hours of sleep. Long night of paper finishing and project finishing. I can't seem to stop whining this weekend. It must me the sickness. I want to get better so so so bad. I feel like I can't do anything. I want to feel better physically. I want to feel better emotionally. I want to feel better mentally. I want a hug.
Didn't miss much at all. Of course, I still went on this morning. But...I don't think I'll put it back on my iPod. Not yet. Because, again, there's nothing to miss. And...well...I'm kind of leaving soon anyways. So who cares? Night number two I wanted to go watch music when I probably can't. Hrmf. At least there will be cake? No...no I'd rather be out, for sure. Today is paper. Today is getting 6-8 pages done. If I get 8 done, it will be printed with NO proof reading and passed in on Monday...or whenever this fever decides to go away. As much as I hate school, I miss social interaction. Bleh. I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK INSIDE FOREVER. :( I'm going to finish the Cinderella song this weekend. Yup. It's happening. Yeahhh. ...Sure. Easily will get married to anyone who will play list for me. It will never ever ever ever get old for me. Never. 5 of 8 done. Just a little more.
-It's like you're not hearing me at all...not at all. I just was talking about how much I liked it, and how much I wanted to keep doing it. And how much good feedback we got. And just how happy I was. And then...we can use it for college. I like it more when there aren't ulterior motives. Not that using it to get into college is a crime. It just makes it a lot less fun. Every time I've stopped thinking about college, I feel like I do a lot better. I don't know. It shouldn't bother me. But it does. 99.5. Gross. 8-10 page history paper. Gross. Math project? Just...wtf. I sound pathetic and winy and annoying. Bleh. Oh cool, backing up backup vocals today. My favorite. Je suis alle au cafe après la practice? Probably. I don't want my night to end so awfully. I mean...wonderfully... Because who doesn't want to backup backup vocalists for a couple hours? I can think of at least one. But she's just really bitter. Just...bleh. I swear I'm not this pathetically depressing in person... It's just the illness. It happens.
-Just...ahh... Happy and sad tears. Oh my goodness. Marf.
Three or four pages of writing and a letter and I'll call it a night. Marf. I came home yesterday and just passed out. I came home today to a lot of work at 7:30 and I think I just might die. The concept of sleep is constantly evading me. Now...trying to stop this procrastination thing. I wish I didn't do homework in my room. She's so...real. <3
I hear you loving your girlfriend I hear you loving yourself too. I hear you flushing your toilet I hear you turning your thoughts off And I turn mine off too The only thing I hear is you." -Obsessed. Beyond obsessed. <3 French. That's a new one. "Where did you learn to do that?" -Just Mom crying. Sorry mom. You know what I like about the concept of this New York trip? I don't have to be concerned about coming home right away. I wouldn't define it as rebellion, but it's pretty damn close.
Then jazz. Then history paper. And no facebook. I feel like today was "fix Olivia's self-esteem" day. Which was...really strange. But also really really nice. It makes me feel not so down I guess. Today is Mumford and Sons and Regina Spektor. It's going to be alright. "Take ibuprofen tonight." Four of them ought to make a low grade fever go down, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. I glazed over yesterday at the computer. And then like...twitched? Weird things. I won't be sleeping again, as usual. But I made it all day without facebook. For. The. Win. Bi-winning, actually.
Cool. No facebook this week, starting tomorrow. Till at least Friday, maybe longer depending on how history goes. Don't bitch at me and then tell me I'm stupid. It makes me feel a hell of a lot less supportive, sweetheart. Nope. Can't do it. I'm not satisfied. It's not happening. Marf. :/. I don't want to be so frustrated. But I'm really sick of everyone telling me what to do. Rebellion should be in order shortly. I just want to be happier. I want to feel lighter. I want to smile because of something that happened a week ago. I want...not what now it. I don't like it. But it's okay. I want a letter, actually.
The lesson today? Samson. So I had Regina Spektor stuck in my head, naturally. Samson was pretty stupid. I think he got a big head. Delilah just knew how to manipulate it. Sigh...deceit is no fun. "Hey! His hair grew back in like a minute!" -Thank you for the observation JP. :) Holy coma nap. asdfghjkl; Just wow.
So beyond cute. :) The lyrics in this one nearly make me cry. Transcription done. Next? Research. Going to mention Steinbeck...because I can. I like cute things. That was a cute thing. Mm, I wish I could sleep. 10 SAT Prep assignments? Done. Transcription and most research? Done. 6 Chinese assignments tonight. Done. British Authors paper outline tonight. Done. A couple chapters of A Farewell to Arms tonight. 5 Chinese assignments tomorrow. Comprehensive outline for History tomorrow. Paper writing for British Authors tomorrow. Letter writing for World Lit tomorrow. Some Biology things tomorrow. ...Can I run away? Because I know this isn't worth it.
What happened to falling asleep at 9:30? Good question. I LOVE FRANK TURNER. <3
I'm not impressed. Tonight includes: -Music project -Room cleaning -Tea and candles...and potentially french fries if I feel like visiting -History project? Doubtful. But possible. It's pretty sad when the thing you look forward to the most from day to day is a haircut. But it's happening. Finally. No more emo bangs...nope. This weekend is a "lock myself in my room and do work and probably not manage to finish it all by Monday morning." ...I'll make a point to get out I guess... Nova sucked this season. 10 of last 15 games lost. Loses first round at the end. Again. Pathetic. Next year, maybe. :)
I only feel that way because I've been feeling more and more average lately. Average. Typical. I'm in a really weird funk that I'd love to get out of, but I don't seem the light yet. I just see a lot more rocks piling in the hole. A lot more things that probably won't matter. Like NEHS? Probably a waste of time. And a World Lit letter? Just kind of annoying... I'm exhausted, but I've gotten decent hours of sleep...only because I pass out by eleven. But not everything's done. It's. Never. All. Done. "I just need someone to get my mind off the stress." -Only that just brings more stress, more time, more annoyances. More everything. It's. Never. All. Done. I want to sit. I want to watch a sunrise. I want to go do something super cliche. I want to walk for many many hours. I want to drive for many many miles. I want to get my focused mind back, the one that would only focus on a single conversation or project at one time. Just. One. Because. It's. Never. All. Done. I don't think I was ever super focused on anything this year...but I know I've certainly been more focused. So I'll focus on what's to be done the soonest, and try to not be so average when I do things. Sitting in a silly practice room at school made me feel exceptionally average. I just couldn't sing anything that I really liked. It's frustrating. It's insanely frustrating. So. Freaking. Frustrating. I'm going to walk more. Maybe start running a little? Just to get more physically alright. I just feel so pathetically average. Maybe I shouldn't feel quite so average, but I do. "It's not your fault." -But it is, in a way. I feel horrible because I'm beating myself up. I should quit doing that. And I can't find a critical piece for my World Lit application. :/ I always opt for the creative option. And I can write poetry. But I can't seem to write a decent paper. That might be a lie...I've only gotten one back. But the one I got back was horrible. Not something I could ever pass in again. But I can't find any of my other papers. I think they're all on that black flash drive I lost forever ago. Tonight: Bio Lab English test overview Project or letter A Farewell to Arms or Cleaning Is A Farewell to Arms good? I've heard it's pretty good. It's Hemingway. It should be alright. Writing when you're drunk...raw words. Raw feelings, and such. Mm. Good things happened this week too. I'm just exceptionally frustrated with myself at the moment. It's fine. Really.
"You say you love me but you lie." -Cry Me a River. gaskdjfsdflkj Fabulous. I got flowers yesterday. (HAPPY?! :P.) (Love youuuu) Getting genuine compliments from Sterling feels so awesome. He's one of three or four people that I truly adore and favor comments from. It just makes me so ridiculously happy. Screw NHS reception after induction. It was worth missing if not just for that. Also, induction was boring. So. Cute. <3
I think I'm going to suck it up and take world lit...after I cry for an hour or so about it. Senior year. 7.5 credits. This will never be worth it, will it? Mm, probably not. Just watch. I'll be forced to get married. Have children on accident. And they'll be less motivated than I am. I'd prefer for that not to happen. I'm bad enoughh. I'm still not satisfied. Not at all. I don't think I'm going to be. But ya know, I guess that's alright for now.
This is how I want to feel this week. Yay! Maybe a trip to TN wouldn't be such an awful idea. Maybe...maybe not... I have to take an English test tomorrow. I was never prepared for it to begin with. I don't think I'm prepared now either. I don't understand how I still have an A in that silly class. I'll bs my way through that, like everything else. Reverb+Falsetto=happiness+floating That's all the math I'm doing tonight Okay, maybe I do know enough. Criticizing myself, then sleep.
Today consists of: Dentist Online classes Oral history project Eating. Music would be nice too...but that might be pushed to tomorrow. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. The dentist will hate me. It only took two hours to get through a half hour of interview. Blehh. Half way there. I had a dream last night. It was a really horrible one. But that's okay. Poetry is really frustrating when it just lays everything out in front of you. I can't write about deep things without getting super depressed and frustrated. I want to write about puddle jumping, not love.
<3 <3 Good things happen with coffee and conversation after school. :) Sometimes, I just get really happy over that. Okay, that's a lie. Always I get really happy over that. Just doing a million online assignments, crashing, waking up, coffee, outlining, and U.S. History for the rest of my life. <3 And by that, I mean Friday night into Saturday night. Hopefully I can finish things... I don't like assuming what other people are thinking or doing. Not at all. But I can't help but be a bit worried. I don't know. Tea and coffee, please.
To get you home before your curfew and into your bed. It wasn't all that bad of a day. It was just blurry. More coffee and ibuprofen would have been nice. SAT and Chinese and English and Bio. And then open G and candles. And then passing out. Yes. Yes, I think I can pass out quite efficiently. "Doesn't it bother you?" It only bothers me that I would have given up too much for it not to happen I guess? It bothers me that I was considering things so seriously. But I'm glad I didn't. I like coffee and guitars and the concept of super bands and my slow, but sure, progression on this Chopin piece. When's break? Just kidding. I'm going to play the "I wasn't here yesterday" card. And do everything due yesterday during my free mods. And by that, I mean during Chemistry. Marf. :D
Just today. I have no idea what's wrong with me exactly, though. Weird stuff. I felt like I was incredibly rude and insensitive to people. I didn't mean it. :( It's not even hormones, in that sense. It's...I don't know. It's not right.
And then BAM. Headache. "Druggie. You're only supposed to take two. You just took five." I took three. Calm down. It's not that big of a deal. "If you have a headache, the best way to get rid of it is by having sex." ...thank you? I slowly feel my health failing. Here are my options: Go to sleep Do history ...We're going with number one. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! Bright sides: -Free mod tomorrow what?! -Barely at mod A tomorrow, good things. -Missing most of school on Thursday -My bed is SUPER comfy. Mm. -Tea isn't making me feel any more queezy. -I no longer need to be concerned about the guilt associated with falling asleep at 9. Good things indeed. I just like it. A lot. Headache suddenly got better after this. Mm, so wonderful. <3
I agree so much, dear. That's exactly where I'm at right now with the same sort of scenario. Beautiful. Today was...bleak feeling. I felt completely alone and just enclosed in a box. A box that might have been opened a couple times, but promptly shut after a brief observation of the contents. It was weird. I didn't like it. :( I want to see him live so bad. <3 Think that you're breath taking and wonderful. And I always will. So, mm, sorry. I would come home and want to listen to Prince. I would also jump in the puddles before school starts. It's happens, alright? Yeah. "I just want your extra time and your...kiss." Pretty funky shit, haha.
Seven-ish, with coffee. "Why don't we just go to second service? Sleep in." Alright, I'll take that. A bunch of random facebook notifications that made me laugh. The sound of rain on the roof. And one of the first times I've actually put down my bed in awhile. I was thinking and writing and thinking and listening. Sometimes that's just necessary. To listen to nothing, just so that you can figure out where your state of mind actually is, uninfluenced by the words of others. Hmm. I don't know. I'd do it again. Going to start A Farewell to Arms today. Excited? Not particularly. Interested? Sure. It's Hemingway. Coffee and conversation. Rain and near death. It happens. Dancing at discos, eating cheese on toast Yeah, you make me merry, make me very very happy But you obviously, You didn't want to stick around.
But I did think it was an amusing topic. Mocking the unrealistic views a majority of women have of men. And visa versa. Can I just have Brad Doggett? And he can sing to me all the time? Gahhh. <333 Mm...happy things. And no headaches. And happy things. And iPods. And happy things. And piano. And happy things.
Yes. Very much so. Bio test that I basically understood. And a lot of time sitting around not doing graded work. Yeah. That's nice. I'm a little sleepy. I'm a lot sleepy. And I've had far too many headaches. I just want them to go away. I don't understand why they've been so persistent. They make me sad, regardless. I want them to go away. Such a good week for music. Always wonderful. I need to clean my room. And cut my hair. And do some homework. All things that will probably get half done...
Pain medication. Why can't I get through a day this week without it? I fell asleep while babysitting...good job, Olivia. "Olivia, I just tucked you in and kissed you!" -sometimes, the kid isn't that bad. "The strike of 20,000" Just...no. Failed that one. Moving on. I was surprised that we were arguing about the same thing. I thought he would take the side of me staying. "Plenty of people don't go and turn out more than okay, usually better, honestly" Oh wow. That's...that's kind of reassuring, actually. The day was decent overall. Slow, kinda, but decent. Still very over tired. Very over tired. But it's been worth it most nights. Tea and candles and pain medication and the occasional guitar or phone call. Yeah. I'll take it. Life could be a hell of a lot worse. Okay, It's Alright With Me<3
I think I was a bit sleep deprived today though. I couldn't stop laughing. It was baddd. But this day was really pretty good. Probably because my mind wasn't really on earth... Mehh. What was going to happen? I already couldn't sleep...so staying up to do half a project wasn't hard. Yeah. That's it. Rationalizing the lack of sleep. Mm...meow. SAT Prep is...quite boring. Mm, vocabulary lists. Just did 10 words while streaming music. Wooo! 40 to go...aww, I'll do it lataa. Boston College is looking more and more attractive everyday. Gahh. Hey, the weeks halfway done. Then the weekend! Oh yay! Maybe I'll actually be productive for once! ...who am I kidding? jmiwalrxszzsujrfzhgxhruirfijrsfhu,rfhyfzR z,zauza ...hungryhungryhungry... ...stillhungry. stillhungrystillhungry. ..thirstythirstythirsty. Dang Nematodes... Alright. Now I'm just irritated. I don't like Wednesday nights.
I'll pick people that most closely resemble yahoos, to make it easy. And...hopefully everything won't take that long. Good God. I still feel kinda gross. :/. And I can't seem to fall asleep until midnight. And I kind of wish that wouldn't happen. And I could really use...hmm. I'm not so sure. Wow, I have a lot of talented friends. That's so fantastic and wonderful and happy making. I think that's what I needed today. Happy making things. I got like...15 tracks worth. Happy things. |
