welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
Just hush. The end.
At least it is with limited resources. But it's alrightt. I'm excited. "...maybe there's too much rice." -Probs. Can't sleep. Weird. And when I do sleep, I've had the strangest dreams. Like...everything was exactly as it seemed. Actually it wasn't. But I do like the Postal Service. <3 Regardless, they've felt a lot more real than usual. They're uncomfortable, and difficult to come out of. I kind of like it though. I really like dreams, or at least their concept. Your inner self just puts all these "what ifs" before your face and it's just...curious. I just wonder sometimes how the thoughts get there to begin with. The human mind is an amazing thing
Partially the weather. Partially bad form. Partially illness a week ago. Other things. I want to fix that. So I guess that means taking a break from singing. Fix some posture. Go on a run? I guess. I'll fix it. I'll make it better. I just don't know how yet. But hey, it was on the to do list for the summer, so it'll get done. I just want it to be better. More controlled. Stronger. That kind of thing. New books in the mail. I'm excited. :) Two whole months to work on stuff. To write stuff. To sing better. To get happier. ...happy would be nice. :)
Which is...strange. We haven't been out of school that long, but I know that the rest of the summer is just going to fly. Depressing. Like other things. His test results come back tomorrow. Hopefully that'll clear things up. "No. I wouldn't go on meds for it. That's ridiculous." -Well please do something, sir. You're bringing me down.
Since...September 2008? Yeah. ...Gross. Show last night was lovely. 'nuff said.
I mean. Probably not. But I certainly feel used. Quite used. :/ Someday. Someday, maybe. Of course, it's probably not the case. But hey. I don't have a good reason not to feel that way.
Nice to meet you. I don't even want to put my glasses on. That's how bad it is. Clearly worth it. But still...it hurts a lot. Need. Coffee. Feed. Addiction. Starbucks fixes everything, doesn't it? Yeah, I guess it does. Weird day, wasn't it? Oh well. Tea Party tomorrow. Old Gray show Friday. Just a lot of good things, I think. I'll take it. I got a Tumblr today. I know I know...I'm disappointed too.
I get confused sometimes by people. And when that happens, I just decide to listen to local natives and mumford and sons and fleet foxes. That's better. <3
But that is basically what I've been doing. Mm, yeeeah. Lots of things today. Music things and such. I've only been doing things for 12 hours and I'm thoroughly exhausted. I wrote a sad song. :( Sad face.....................^ Marf. Someday. I don't really like lyrics. They bring back too many memories, and then morph them. I think it's hard to write about good times when they ended badly, or times that I originally though of one way, that were simply misinterpreted. I'm just silly sometimes I guess. Things pass by because I don't look very close. And I'm a little too scared to look close, honestly. Maybe it's a self-esteem issue...like the glasses. I'm not sure. Maybe one day it'll make sense. Until then, I'll be too terrified that people can see through my words. Cool beans.
There are a lot of things I want to do and a lot of things i need to do. I've never had so many things to do. Which I suppose is, in part, good. It means I'm not sitting at home getting depressed. I get unnecessary anxiety over that usually. I'm really glad it's not the case thus far. Jobs jobs jobs blah blah blah. Please don't contact us about applications. It slows down the process. I only did two applications online...and they were the same. Equal oppurtunity is good and I get that...they just shouldn't have so many multiple choice questions. I get kind of bored filling them out. Sometimes, I wonder. Actually, I wonder a lot. I wish I would stop.
Breakfast and rain dancing and singing and applications and...hmm. I don't know. It was just pretty good. I just like those types of days I guess. Tomorrow is application returns, Zanois practice and...musicing? Quite possibly. Got all the All-State stuff. Which is cool. I'd really like to do it this year a lot. I feel like it'd be fun. Also, a voice coach? Maybe, maybe not? I'm sure it would be helpful. I'm sure it would be super helpful. Once I get a job, I'll try it out.
Because this be home by 5:30 thing is AWFUL. Luckily, this is probably the last couple days of this... Then I can actually do things. That would be even better than not being home. Do this. Think about this. Stop being so stressed. Do college stuff. Do job stuff. Go out with friends. Stay home more. Go out. Be home early. I. Want. To. Leave. I think I like that lake because it just seems so secluded and quiet and in the middle of nowhere. That might be because it is exactly all of those things. But it's different from others like it. It doesn't seem like a nature preserve or someone's private pond thing...it's just there. And there are fish that like to kiss my pasty-white legs. And I'm okay with it, because I know they'll come back when I decide to. They'll wait for me. :)
I'd like more of those, please. Even if I did get awkwardly sunburnt halfway up my arms and legs and a little on my chest. It looks so dumb. But I just had a really nice time for the first time in a long time. Time time time time. Time is funny. You want to push it away most of the time to get to something better, but then you just end up losing a lot of time waiting. Maybe we should have less waiting and more doing. That would be nice. Kind of like today. I'm sunburnt and sore and smell like pond. And I like it. I think I'll go to bed at a reasonable hour. "apparently I can't write in anything but ballad meter, but at least I can write in something."
It pisses me off, actually. I'm really sorry that I don't know my schedule more than a week in advanced most days. I'm also sorry that I can't seem to figure out what I'm doing fast enough for you. Please. Stop. Abusing me. There are other reasons why I left for two months. Marf. Finals week. Passed in by Bio paper. Took my Chem final. Reading Hemingway because I want to. And writing music because I want to. And having tea parties because I want to. And finding a job somewhere because I want to. Yeah. I need a break. After finals I got cupcakes. Then I came home and took a three hour nap. ...why am I so sick? I'm not really sure. Making cupcakes and little sandwiches for a tea party tomorrow, naturally. I'm. So. Excited. I'm so dumb. I'm okay with it, I guess. Sometimes, I wonder what people think about. And then I get confused.
Next project, clearly. Today has been strange. Passed in my paper, felt kind of sickly overall. Cried a lot. More so when I got home. "You still smell like Olivia." Alright, so I'm not the only one that remembers smells. That makes me feel better. Thank you. Chemistry studying and feel better tea and...just good things. This will be a good break coming up. I need the sleep so badly right now.
54 pages later. But I can sleep tonight. T.S. Elliot and a bit of relaxing for the next few hours. What's relaxing? I don't really know. Weird. I'm sleepy. I should catch up on sleep this week. Like on Wednesday. And Thursday. And Friday. And hey, there's summer? Thank. Sweet. Baby. Jesus.
I think I'm a little broken. I get boring pretty easily. I think I'm a little broken. I can't seem to find anything that fits quite right. I think I'm a little broken. I feel like I'm empty. I think I'm a little broken. I'm too scared to ask. I think I'm a little broken. I think I'm missing pieces. I think I'm a little broken. I think someone broke me. I wrote a half song. Again. That brings the total number of half songs to like...five. Wonderful summer projects, here I come. Today is a Chinese Essay. A History Essay editing. And a nap and recover for next week. Maybe I should clean my room. I like tea parties. :) Early at church tomorrow for the first time in months. Ehh. And then killing trees with a printer. And relaxing. And relishing in the fact that the year is basically over. Ahh. So. Awesome. Maybe this summer I'll be all fixed again.
Hmm. Naturally, stuck in my head all day. This is a touch up weekend. Touch up the History paper. Touch up the Bio assignment, which doesn't need to be done until Tuesday. And then pass out. And bask in not having to do anything for someone else for a little bit. Music and mini trips and jobs and...just a lot of good things. I don't know, I just need a break. A long one. I think it'll be a good one.
Katy won't stop crying. I'm complaining. School's not over. I'm complaining. I'm just fried. On all levels. Physically fried, mentally fried, emotionally fried. It's lame. Grr. On the bright side, it is almost over. ACTs on Saturday with finishing touches on papers and such and then... ...summer again? One of the last ones. Mm. I'm looking forward to going on adventures. Should be nice. Alright. Tonight consists of tea and a British Author's book. There are worse things that could happen.
She's got a crush on the guy at the liquor store cause Mr. Charming don't come home anymore and she forgets why she came here. Mm, I don't even know. I guess we need to upgrade our phones. Damn. I don't want one. :( Well...I don't want a data plan. Dumb phones. Mine still works fine. I'll use it to the death! Rawr. Going in late to school tomorrow, I figure. Not too shabby. I'll go in for mod B, sign into mod A then and such. Should be an easy day. No Bio, food in chem, barely math, no jazz band, just...nothing. I'm okay with it.
"I would have cut it myself if I knew men could climb hair..." I like this a lot. Marf. Four days of school left, basically. ACTs on Saturday. So, no sleep this weekend. But that's alright. I'll devote Saturday to wandering around Concord, since I have to be there at the crack of dawn anyway. Wonderful. Two finals. Perhaps sometime to sleep in. Yeah. The summer can come anytime now. Then I can learn standards and get decent at instruments and write things and...and... Yeah. I'd just like the break too. :) "Well, obviously you'll be reviewing math over the summer..." -Dad...no.
The concept of standing in the same spot for 6 hours just seems gross. Sorry to disappoint, dad. Not everything is the same as when you were growing up. I just would like to stop the never-ending cycle of guilt trips. So may guilt trips about things that don't matter at all. Guilt trips. I wish I could get rid of those. "You've been avoiding us like the plague." -I'm sorry that I came home tired and depressed and wanted to leave because I was getting guilt trips. I'm sorry that you always ask if I'm going to do things and then get confused when I actually do them. You know...it's really hard to act excited. It's also hard to act social when you don't want to be. It's also hard to sit there and get beat up. But it happens. It happens a lot. Which is fine. I'm numb to it by now. I always feel odd picking up an electric guitar. It's not like I'm not allowed to play it cause I'm female or anything...I just feel odd trying to practice it and get decent, because there's not really a point of me doing more than I have. I guess I'm just jealous. I don't like being jealous.
Tomorrow won't be bad, I don't think. Not too much school stuff, phone calls, outing, babysitting. Hmm. Maybe, maybe not. I'm not one to get mad at people if they treat me badly. Usually I just assume that they don't realize what they're doing or that I need to be more aware. I think I'm usually aware, but one can never be so sure. I usually gravitate towards people with really good character. It's seemed to work out well, because every time someone with good character hurts me, they're apologized. Right away? No, and why should they? If they knew what they were doing right away they probably wouldn't have done it. But the fact that even a few month later someone will sit done and tell me that they're sorry, well...it means a lot. I don't really need much to stay content. Sure, there are things that I want, like letters and hand written notes, but apologies make me feel like I'm not doing everything wrong, because sometimes I feel like a screw up when people are bad to me. But I know I can't be that bad, at least. So thank you to people that apologize, because it helps build up the self-esteem a little bit. APs. SATs. SAT IIs...next? ACTs. Then I'm done? Maybe? Doubtful. This summer is going to be really good. Because I can drive to faraway places and stay for a few nights. I think that would be very very fun. I'd like it. A lot. Good things good things. Just finish up strong, and go be stupid this summer. I'm going to be dumb. So dumb. And it's going to be a lot of fun. It just has to be. And it will. It really will. I want to be home for sleeping purposes and running around the region the rest of the time. It could happen. I think it could happen.
Success. Considering the possibilities with dad. Maybe the headaches are just stress. Maybe they're not. There's not really a way to know. Genetics are funny that way. It's Spring. And school is almost over. And I'm supposed to be really happy. And I am happy, for the most part. But still a little...bored. Oh gosh. The college conversation. The, this time next year, I probably won't see anyone conversation. That one's just complicated. Might be getting a job in the near future, which is nice. This summer vacation will be devoted to fun things. Because first semester of Senior year will suck. And the second semester will just be plain painful. But maybe it'll worth it. Maybe it'll be worth it. I can't really see how it would be yet... but maybe. Maybe maybe maybe... Something's coming I don't know what it is but it is gonna be great. |
