welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
December was rough. I don't remember November. And things started sucking in October. And September was awkward enough, transitioning from August. Which meant August was weird. But it had a lot of college visits. Then again, so did July. June was strange. Maybe we should have cancelled. May was exciting; SATs, AP Tests, Tech week, and a bazillion jazz concerts. April was kinda cool. March was lame. February was a little boring. January was just long. I got a D on that Pre-Calc final. Still got out of the semester with a B. But I mean...good things happened. I had friends go to college, which told me that I could probably make it through one more year of high school. I applied to college. I got a job. ...stuff like that. "Are you all set?" But for some reason, at this moment in time, a feel a huge weight on my chest. I'm sure that 2012 is going to be great, but everything for the first few months is hanging on a thread, making sure everything is balanced. And calm. And well executed. Sending off a few things to college in the midst of jazz concerts and projects and...yeah. "Find everything you were looking for today?" I guess I'd also like to have some fun this year. My goals have all been college related for awhile. "I can take the 15% off at the end for that." Maybe the weather will be nicer next year. Maybe college in autumn will be nice. Maybe I'll be able to meet some new people, and get away from some I already know. Maybe I'll finish my online gym class. Maybe my patience level will be restored. Maybe I can pretend to be unnoticed. Maybe I'll figure out that's impossible to just be invisible. Maybe I can still slip out of rooms quietly enough to go to sleep. Maybe I'll get some rest. Maybe I'll do a couple of auditions and then apologize for not wishing to attend. Maybe I'll start looking at medical schools. Maybe...maybe I'll calm down, haha. Yes. That would be nice. "Could I grab your phone number?" And this year was particularly strange. I actually kept all of the friends that I started out with. Which I appreciate. I don't like when people leave. I read an article the other day about people "falling off the radar" with relationships...just not addressing problems and leaving without notice. I think it's sad. I hope that doesn't happen this year. "Would you like to enter your email address today for coupons or reward's points?" I'm trying to decide if I'm excited for next year or not. And I'm honestly not sure. I mean, I'm excited for college, but something else is bound to happen, right? "You're total is $2.99, go ahead and slide your card." But what would it be? I don't know if I want anything exciting to happen. I just kind of want...a peace of sorts. Like that feeling right before you go to sleep. "If you could just sign the keypad." Peace is the goal. "I'll just put your receipt in a bag. Have a nice evening."
Mrow. I feel horrible. Like...physically, I guess. I mostly just feel like a horrible person. And I should probably not go on Facebook for awhile. But I always get weird feelings around the holidays. I should probably get focused. And maybe spend some much missed time playing piano for the sake of playing, rather than for school. And maybe spend some much missed time singing for the sake of singing, rather than for school. And maybe not have school be my entire life. When's February break? That sounds nicer than this one.
It's a place. And I'm consistently hungry. Which is strange. But it's fine, you know?
Just slow enough to make you uncomfortable." -I just like that, haha Barnes and Noble and lunch and work. Just another day on South Willow St. A long one, too. Though I am super pumped that I got in a 12 hour week. And that I get paid tomorrow. And that...um...I'm not sure. This time next week, I won't have a paper to write. And...midterms will be coming up. Last midterms in high school. #thanksweetbabyjesus "And when I can't feel with my sun hands, I promise not to lose her again."
Today. I'll get halfway through, right? Sure. haha, okay...I'll get 4 pages in total. But I'll get 4 hours in at work...and a nice little breakfast...and a nap. Successful day, regardless of how drawn out this paper will be. Very, very, excited. <3
Today I got...almost three. Which is awful. But it's fineeee! Just a long, drawn out bout of painful stuff. So...If I continue at this rate of 2.5pg/day...and I need 12 pages. I'll be done in...well, it'll take me 4.8 days total. And I just went through one. So...just 3.8 days left. Oh man. I suck. But it's fine! Mrow. Just listening to jazz, ya know?
Well...at least 7 pages worth of a research paper. Hopefully more. Coffee and sandwiches and crying for a change in scenery. It has to happen. So, why not today? Mehh... Labels: #papers
(Except that I'm not.) It won't be that bad. I've managed my time! (Except that I haven't.) I have tons of sources. It's fine. (Except that I don't have tons of sources.) I'm going on an adventure after, so it'll be worth it! (Except that I'm not going on an adventure after.) I have a very positive outlook on tomorrow! (Except that I don't.) ...why haven't my SAT scores sent to schools yet? ...why haven't my teachers submitted recommendations yet? ...why am I so concerned about things I can't control? On the brightside, my grandfather and I are going to be destroying Silas Marner on Friday. So. Pumped. <3 I'm pretty convinced that it might end up being the highlight of break.
It's the music. I just blasted Hot Fuss. I don't care what anyone else thinks, that album has beautiful memories. I didn't think I meant it 100% when I said it kind of gave me hope...but I does. And The Killers shouldn't give you hope, probably. But Everything's Magic by Angels and Airwaves has the same result. Loud, powerful...independent maybe? I'm not sure. But I know for a fact that I've been in a haze because I haven't had functioning headphones until today. Music's a weird drug, you know? It really is. My heart's beating kind of quickly and I'm not really any closer to figuring out what I should do, but I'm excited again. I'm excited, so it doesn't matter what I do. Mr. Brightside shouldn't have this influence on people...but I will never dislike it. Long car rides and missing exits and being content with where you are, because your heart beats slower and you can just stare out at the trees for a couple of hours, fully aware that you'll have to leave, but content with the present. Hope is a beautiful thing, isn't it? I should try to keep it around.
I say dumb things sometimes. But I totally mean it. It's like when your parents buy you nice chocolate, because you're a real person now and can appreciate it. It's kinda cool, ya know? I can't wait for college. But I suppose I'll enjoy this time too.
"Maybe you should just drink a lot less coffee and never ever watch the ten o'clock news Maybe you should kiss someone nice, or lick a rock, or both." People are just people. And they shouldn't make you nervous. While Regina gets it, I have yet to understand quite yet. Why have my ACT scores been received before my SAT scores when I sent my SATs two days earlier? I wonder sometimes. Day trip to Connecticut at some point. Research paper. Work. Happy Holidays. <3 I love letters.
Friday is always so long. And mall people are silly. And Christmas is just one of those fun things. Maybe this week will be okay. I'm so excited to sleep in. :)
6 hours of work. Dying, but being kept past the holidays is awesome. It'd be better is my pay was right at some point... It'll all work out in due time, right? I'm just really sick of having to go in and fix it...and then having it not get fixed. Someday. Someday, indeed. Working until 12:30am, though? Marf. So. Tired. Oh hey, I submitted 12 college apps and SAT score reports. Letters of rec go out Tuesday. DVDs are being made. Music supplements are being finished. It's almost over. And Oedipus the King research paper? Sweet...sometime...
Two. More. Essays. Both easy ones. Why Engineering for Brown and Why science for Skidmore. And then I have to polish my experience list. And I can apply to all of my schools. #freakingexcited
Research paper has officially been started. Research is happening. Thesis should be chosen tomorrow. Very happy about maybe not having to do all of it over vacation. Friday is college day. And work. But mostly college. The actual sending of applications and finishing essays and short answers. Not to mention, sleeping in a bit. That's going to be the greatest feeling once it's completely out of my hands. And Thursday is just kind of...there. I don't know what I want out of Thursday yet.
I'm probably the only person in the world that likes working, But that doesn't change the fact that it's taking away from my sleep. And the fact that ACTs rob me of sleep too. And that this is a full week. And that I really could use a break very, very soon. Mental health day Friday maybe? With some work in the evening? I'll take it.
I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep in once. I don't want to take the ACTs again. I don't want to wake up on Sunday. I don't want to write a research paper. I'd like to finish applying to college. I'd like to be not stressed. I'd like to be not sick. But I'm too selfish for that. I think maybe if I can find reason enough to cry, I'll feel better. Because that'll be some sort of...emotional release. I just want a break. I feel like George Baily, only less important. I'd like a vacation. I'd like a nap. I'd like to not be so whiny all the time, too. ...remember when November was a month this year? Because I don't.
And then, you decide that giving up is just easier. Because is it. College things... ...Later... Test tomorrow... I think I'm sick now. Which is cool. It's great. <3
Strange Times, indeed. Lady sings the blues so well...as if she means it.
This physics lab is lame. Poetry is easy. I have a couple free mods this week. I have to babysit children tonight. I get to sleep in a bit tomorrow. Things are going to start slowing down a bit. And I'm. So. Excited. I still want to go exploring. I'm hoping that, in the midst of research papers and college I can make that happen. I might have to wait until February. But I think I'm okay with that.
I'm just so exhausted. Just one more concert. One more trip to church. One more call to work. And, finally, everything will be done. And then Monday will come? Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Trying to not stress about everything. |
