welcome.
Meow.
Meow. |
I'm in desperate need for a dance class. Critique me. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I need more personality. Tell me that I've gotta smile more. Everything. I...yeah. Not appropriate.
Writing a paper, cleaning my room... Looking at financial situations. Cool beans. Babysitting and such. "I've got your picture in my pocket, I keep it for the right time." I love my mother, in all of her unsubtle subtleness. "Wouldn't that be just weird if you guys got married? It's not a bad option. I mean, I like him too." -I wonder sometimes, mom.
"Joanna Newsom. Awesome lyricist. Like Bob Dylan...but less pretentious." "Psh...hipsters..." "You know what I'm talking about." -The people at Hartt are so nice. Auditions are funny, but things are always better when there's a black guy in the corner getting into what your singing. Or when the accompanist is attractive. Or when they ask me if I know who Miles Davis is. ...what kind of people audition for this again? "Have you ever tried improvising before?" "...well yeah..." Silly things. I felt pretty good about it. We'll see what happens and such. Mrowww...and then a three hour nap? Not too shabby. I have the week off from work and a concert and Jazz All-State and...and... Yeah. It should be good. After that World Lit paper and Physics lab and Calc test and report cards with final class ranks. Eep. Important week.
So excited. I think it's funny when I'm at work and I smell nice smells and ask "what is that?" And it's my hair. Because it's not the shampoo I usually use. Sigh. I need to find a way to fall asleep.
Why am I so exhausted? Everything. Just. Hurts. I would love a delay tomorrow. <3 And some coffee. And a nap. And a sleepy hangout and make small talk, but nothing that actually requires effort, day. That'd be nice. Shakespeare. Bed. School. And some ibuprofen. Mm...yes. I'd like that. But sleep. Sleep comes first.
Oh, hey there Wednesday. Wednesday. Come home, sleep for two hours, drag self to dance, get empowered and shit, come home, go to the music school, have a lesson, get another confidence boost. Come home, talk about how wonderful of a school Brandeis is. Get that floaty, "I'm in love feeling" for a little bit. Yes. Get ready for bed to read Act 4 of Antony and Cleopatra. Be excited to have a bunch of free mods and not a ton of homework. And have really stupid thoughts in my brain that make me smirk like an idiot. Like when I hold a cigarette and just laugh...because of all the silly things people have said to me. Just hush. Layering clothing. Self hug. Subtle rocking. A bit of the insanity breaking from a long does of reality. "The happy phantom has no right to bitch."
"Let's hope it's better than Liv's, her birthday sucked." <3 my parents. Happy 3rd day of a sore throat. I don't know what to do about it... Maybe I'm just over-tired. I think maybe it has to do with a worry/emotional-draining combo. I've had four cups of tea today. I just hurt. Marf. Right now, I'm just a little scared. Vulnerable might be a more accurate word.
Like having a really good dance class, and waking up feeling it...I don't know. It just makes me happy that I can get into it, even if it's really stupid. I love dancing. Today is Antony and Cleopatra, online gym, laundry, and cleaning the room. Potentially work. But I'll figure that out later. And I get to sleep in tomorrow, I don't have to drive to school, it's alright. Everything's good. My grades are decent, I got into a college. Yeah. Everything's fine. "When you've never been moved it's really hard to move on." I'm on too big of a Maroon 5 kick. This is creepy. Adam Levine's voice is just so wonderful.
Nap Physics Eat Physics Sleep Physics Just Physics! Then it's done! Woo! Hoping I had a high enough B+ last quarter. I mean...we had enough random group projects to make up for tech week. And a decent term paper. And...yeah. Mm...grades. I should calm down. Naptime.
Mm...Sinatra...why did you have to be such a jerk? I almost thought you were being sincere for a second. Oops. That's okay. I'm down with it. Mm.
And then some piano, hopefully. I hate myself, sometimes. It's almost Friday, did you know? I'm kind of excited.
You're older. More mature. Smarter. You have to be the bigger person. "I'd be...disappointed." What do you do when you're disappointed...but can't seem to bring yourself to do anything about it? I have the answer. Apparently it's eat a lot of raisins and pretend. And do Calculus. Calculus makes sense. There's not a whole lot of questioning associated with it. I do more math when I'm emotionally frustrated because it kind of...re-calibrates my brain. Yeah. The derivative of x^2 is still 2x and V=4/3pir^3 turns into dV/dt=3pir^2dr/dt in a related rates problem. If there's a hole in the parabola at x=2, there's still that limit of two, it just never gets there, but |x|/x only will have valid limits when coming from the right of the left. The first derivative test shows increasing and decreasing slopes, so if you have critical numbers you can find local maxes or mins. The second derivative test does this two, but also shows concavity and is easier to work with if your original function is a polynomial. When deriving the product or quotient rules, you have to add a "ghost" f(x)g(x)-f(x)g(x) to get things to cancel correctly. The derivative of tanx=sec^2x. When you set the 2nd derivative equal to zero, you get potential inflection points. The first derivative of the position function is the velocity one, and the second represents acceleration. (a^3-b^3)=(a-b)(a^2+2ab+b^2). Probably. ...I don't know where it came from. I'm just going to sleep. Maybe there will be a delay. Maybe fall will come and everything will get better. ...wait a second. ...night.
It's almost over! <3 Thank goodness. Most certainly need to get past this semester. AP Chem-Tuesday morning...need like a D to maintain my grade. AP English Lit and Comp-A tad intimidated, but I think that I could probably bring my grade up. AP Calc-I just would really like a B...stupid math. Jazz Band-I just need to show up. Physics-Mm...kinematics AND dynamics? My favorite. Centripetal force and stuff. Fnet=ma It shouldn't be a bad week. Tomorrow will be room cleaning and reviewing, starting with Chemistry then moving on to math and world lit. Physics can probably wait until Wednesday/Thursday after midterms. And, again, this week shouldn't be half bad. ...Oh, I have an audition in two weeks? Mad awks...
"We're doing Valentine's Day early." ...ridiculous. Adorable. But ridiculous. Excited for sleeping in. And Brown. And work. And physics? And concert. And sleeping in. And coffee. And sleeping in. But mostly sleeping in. "I simply turn all to jelly when you touch me."
Which is wonderful. Next task: Physics homework. And Calculus review sheets. And after those, I should be ready for those exams, then just need to get ready for world lit. I think I'm starting to get this nice and peaceful feeling about the semester being over. And excited for Sunday's concert, for once. And just...ready to finish things. So I can get to February. And then March. And then April. And figure out where I'm going in May. And then have a dance party. Awesome.
We better be able to sleep in a bit tomorrow. Mrow. Dying. "Do you have homework?" Plenty. Physics things. Chemistry studying/midterm. Math review. Plenty of homework, indeed. February break is coming soon, though. ...like a month and a half.
Oops. I still think that if I was told that I had to prepare all of this crap that I would have done it. Because that's just what I do. Too much. I can tell my mom's tired too...sometimes she says things that are...odd. "Just trying to keep you out of UNH" this makes me think that you don't think I can do better than UNH :( meh. "No one asked you to go?" Ouch. Mom. Really? "That could be you..." Oh, don't tempt me more. I do it enough myself. But, yes, that's my first choice. And if I thought it was possible I'd entertain the thought more. "Hummingbird. What's the word? Are you still your mother's child? Or have you found yourself a flower?" I'm screwed, basically. I think I just do it torture myself But, oh my, this is nice.
This shouldn't be how I feel right now. But, oh, I think it is. I am tired and hungry and totally useless. Thank you , Motion City Soundtrack, for describing my day. Tired being awake and working 6-9:30. Hungry for not eating 5-9:30. Useless for hitting a car in a parking lot. I'd say I need therapy. But I don't. I just need some sleep and food...maybe just a bunch of tightly wrapped blankets. And a pillow, probably. Maybe 2012 will get better. It can only go up from here, right?
Because I'm sure that everyone knows just how to run a country. And I'm sure everyone knows that their opinions are always right and everyone elses are wrong. Which is weird, because if I write an English paper about abortion, whether for or against, my teacher isn't allowed to grade me on my opinion. Does that still make it wrong? Facebook is funny. Obama comes to visit, and we all sit and stare in wonder...starstruck, I guess. And everyone's all "life experience #Obama4lyfe" more or less. And then someone utters the thought that he could be... ...dare I say it... ...full of air? It was a speech to regain voter interest. See how useful green technology is right now? See how many of the firms have gone under? See how incandescent light bulbs are going to cease to exist...one of the few things that Americans actually manufacture in the states. ...but I'm not going to bring that up. Because I can't.
I want to cry. I'm so excited. Like...I'm excited for the rest of the course now? I'm so..relieved. Maybe I can read this...and get through it... And then get some rest? That would be nice.
But nothing quite as awful and depressing as this one. Happy New Year. Here's to hoping there's some sort of light at the end of this her tunnel. It's probably dim. I don't see it yet. "Are things going to get better?" "Yes. It might take a little while...like...six months." -Thanks mom. Be fearful of mediocrity. Be very fearful, indeed. Shower? Shower. I figure getting to 10 pages, or, rather, writing 5, should be worth a shower. Oh just kidding. I'll pass until the water isn't frozen...
As of 12:03am. I just want to sleep and wallow in sorrow. Why are people just so disappointing? I hate when people let me down. It fxcking pisses me off. I'm praying that someday... Maybe. It might stop.
I'm way too stressed. .............. ... ..... .. .......... ... . .. I'm sorry. I kind of just want to record tonight. But I also want to do my paper. ...but I really want to record. And finish my online gym class. And read my new book. And read Don Quixote. ...priorities? "Sanity" speaking, I should just read or sleep. But all that other stuff needs to get done. And will, probably within the week. I want a day off. Dear God, Please knock Sterling over the head with a few million pillows and get him to upload my recommendation. This is just pathetic. Love, Olivia. |
